♥Calling All Fangirls♥ discussion
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The Tough Stuff
I've gone 23 days without cutting, 23 days of horror. 3/4 of the days I've wondered whether i really want to still be alive. Some days I feel fine, others I want to kill myself. Like this week, I've been feeling absoluteley fine, and its perfect but weird you know? like I'm so NOT used to feeling happy and its weird. but it feels good. but every time I look at my wrist and see my scars fading... i just want to end all of it, cut again, because the sight of my own pain was enough to make me want to do it... it felt like i'd punished myself... and i deserve punishment, as a person I suck. I'm a failure at everything. Family, friends, life...everything. I just hate it all so much sometimes. But then there are days where i'm like really happy for some reason, but then something bad happens and all the terrible self destructive feelings start rushing back... and they're uncontrollable, ... but I Haven't felt that way in at least a week, but I'm paranoid its gonna come back.......
Sorry for the rant.
Sorry for the rant.
I know exactly what you mean girl. But this is the thing : life isn't easy, it's hard and most times it sucks. But you know what saying I find gets me through the day? The only way you can be a failure is by giving up. So never give up. Be strong and be a warrior of life. You already are a strong person by not cutting and talking to others about it. You haven't ended your life even when you were at your lowest point. That is strength in every sense of the word. You're already a strong and gifted person. You just need to remind yourself that you're here for a reason, and maybe your reason is to save someone that is going through the same thing you are. You have a purpose. So please, next time you think negative thoughts think of your family's love, your friends like me on here that support you. There's support no matter where you go.
Annabel ♥ wrote: "I've gone 23 days without cutting, 23 days of horror. 3/4 of the days I've wondered whether i really want to still be alive. Some days I feel fine, others I want to kill myself. Like this week, I'v..."I have no experience with depression as I have never suffered from it, but I just wanted you to know, Annie, that I think you are a GREAT person! I only know you online, but I seriously can't imagine the blogosphere without you. Your conversations with me always make me smile and the same goes for your comments :)
I know that going through depression is hard, even though I have never felt it. But just know that there are people--in real life and online-- that really treasure your presence.
Sorry if this comment doesn't help at all... But really, you only deserve happiness <3
I totally agree with that. I don't really struggle with anything besides my OCD. I have a form where if I don't have a task to do with my hands, I get aggravated and spacey. I need constant stimulation, or I fall asleep. So I crave adrenaline rushes, and tend to do stupid things. I'm almost the opposite of depressed, I'm emotionally detached. When something bad happens, I just pick up and move on I guess :/ it makes people think I'm an insensitive jerk. So even though I'm on the other end of the spectrum, I feel ya :)
I'm going to write this just to help out those who are here listening/reading and those who have struggled/still struggle. I hope this isn't too much all at once... Lol, well here goes :)
So about depression and cutting, I completely understand, you guys. I started shortly after I turned 15 and I stopped fairly recently ago... I'm 16 now... it's been a couple of months I think since I stopped... I stopped counting because the numbers were making me mad. Take that into consideration by the way - if you find yourself mad at yourself for not having a larger number of days you've stopped for, maybe think about not counting anymore. I found that I was just disappointing myself all the time. I'd make it like, 50 days, and then it would be too much and then I'd be worse off than I was before I tried to stop because I'd be mad at myself for starting again on top of everything. Does that make sense? I think so...
Anyways, so yeah, I've cut before. Burned a few times too. I have a ton of scars and my deal was that I cut really deep, so they're really, really noticeable. I struggled with anorexia and bulimia at times. Also, I've tried to kill myself 7 times.
So here's the point of this rant: don't do it. Just don't. I know, I know, it doesn't seem that easy. But I'll start at the beginning: if you find yourself toying with the idea, thinking that maybe it'll help you cope, maybe it'll make you feel better for that split second, stop. Please. PLEASE! Right now. My absolute BIGGEST regret in life is that I walked through a year and a half of my life in a walking coma, wrapped up in anger and hatred and so much crap that I couldn't get free. And one of the things that held me chained for so long was that first day I took a knife and hurt myself. So don't. Seriously, do EVERYTHING and ANYTHING (within reason, of course) that you can to avoid starting. It's a killer addiction and I found that it started other addictions for me. Like I struggled with anorexia for a while, and then bulimia, and the thing is, like with any addiction, the more you do it, the harder it is to get free. To stop. So if you haven't started yet, don't. Message me if you need someone to talk to! Always here for you gals!
Now, for those who are currently struggling with cutting/burning/suicidal thoughts/eating disorders/any addiction, here's what I'll say: There is no statement that I can ever say that will help you stop. There's no magical words. Much to my dismay. I would give my life for those words if they existed, and no, not because I was suicidal, but because so many people are hurting out there and I just wish I could help someone, anyone, everyone.
So here's what I WILL say: stopping is the best thing you can do for yourself. And yeah, I know, self-hatred is so involved that half the time you might not consider yourself worth saving, might not consider yourself to be worth it. But YOU ARE. I swear up and down that you are. I believe in God, and yeah, not everyone on here will, and I'm not preaching at you or anything, but you are here for a reason. A purpose. And you are so loved. Yes, you. Each and every one of you who reads this and those who don't. You're loved. You are important. You are special. You are worth it.
It'll be hard. Actually, that could be a lie. Some people find it really easy to stop. For me, I had my good days and my bad days. But here's the point: it's worth it. It's worth the fight. It's worth every minute of battle that it takes. Because in the end, you'll be free. Finally. You'll have freedom. You won't have to worry about how many days till you do it again, you won't have to wear long sleeves to cover the marks. You won't have to lie up and down to every single person you've ever loved because you don't want them to know. You will be FREE!
Listen. There will be days when you'll want to throw the towel in and give up. On those days, it's the small decisions that matter. For me, music affects me a lot. Like, a lot. I never realized until I would listen to something sad and bam! So be careful. Know what your "weaknesses" are, because then you can use them to be your strengths... I'm not even sure if I'm making sense anymore. I hope this doesn't sound like some cheesy motivational speech. I always hated those.
I guess I'll just end by saying I'm living proof that you can overcome. You are all overcomers, and you can make it. There is HOPE. And if you ever need anything at all, you can always contact me and I'll trey to be encouraging in a very non-cheesy way :) Love you gals, I hope that you can find hope in my story. :D
So about depression and cutting, I completely understand, you guys. I started shortly after I turned 15 and I stopped fairly recently ago... I'm 16 now... it's been a couple of months I think since I stopped... I stopped counting because the numbers were making me mad. Take that into consideration by the way - if you find yourself mad at yourself for not having a larger number of days you've stopped for, maybe think about not counting anymore. I found that I was just disappointing myself all the time. I'd make it like, 50 days, and then it would be too much and then I'd be worse off than I was before I tried to stop because I'd be mad at myself for starting again on top of everything. Does that make sense? I think so...
Anyways, so yeah, I've cut before. Burned a few times too. I have a ton of scars and my deal was that I cut really deep, so they're really, really noticeable. I struggled with anorexia and bulimia at times. Also, I've tried to kill myself 7 times.
So here's the point of this rant: don't do it. Just don't. I know, I know, it doesn't seem that easy. But I'll start at the beginning: if you find yourself toying with the idea, thinking that maybe it'll help you cope, maybe it'll make you feel better for that split second, stop. Please. PLEASE! Right now. My absolute BIGGEST regret in life is that I walked through a year and a half of my life in a walking coma, wrapped up in anger and hatred and so much crap that I couldn't get free. And one of the things that held me chained for so long was that first day I took a knife and hurt myself. So don't. Seriously, do EVERYTHING and ANYTHING (within reason, of course) that you can to avoid starting. It's a killer addiction and I found that it started other addictions for me. Like I struggled with anorexia for a while, and then bulimia, and the thing is, like with any addiction, the more you do it, the harder it is to get free. To stop. So if you haven't started yet, don't. Message me if you need someone to talk to! Always here for you gals!
Now, for those who are currently struggling with cutting/burning/suicidal thoughts/eating disorders/any addiction, here's what I'll say: There is no statement that I can ever say that will help you stop. There's no magical words. Much to my dismay. I would give my life for those words if they existed, and no, not because I was suicidal, but because so many people are hurting out there and I just wish I could help someone, anyone, everyone.
So here's what I WILL say: stopping is the best thing you can do for yourself. And yeah, I know, self-hatred is so involved that half the time you might not consider yourself worth saving, might not consider yourself to be worth it. But YOU ARE. I swear up and down that you are. I believe in God, and yeah, not everyone on here will, and I'm not preaching at you or anything, but you are here for a reason. A purpose. And you are so loved. Yes, you. Each and every one of you who reads this and those who don't. You're loved. You are important. You are special. You are worth it.
It'll be hard. Actually, that could be a lie. Some people find it really easy to stop. For me, I had my good days and my bad days. But here's the point: it's worth it. It's worth the fight. It's worth every minute of battle that it takes. Because in the end, you'll be free. Finally. You'll have freedom. You won't have to worry about how many days till you do it again, you won't have to wear long sleeves to cover the marks. You won't have to lie up and down to every single person you've ever loved because you don't want them to know. You will be FREE!
Listen. There will be days when you'll want to throw the towel in and give up. On those days, it's the small decisions that matter. For me, music affects me a lot. Like, a lot. I never realized until I would listen to something sad and bam! So be careful. Know what your "weaknesses" are, because then you can use them to be your strengths... I'm not even sure if I'm making sense anymore. I hope this doesn't sound like some cheesy motivational speech. I always hated those.
I guess I'll just end by saying I'm living proof that you can overcome. You are all overcomers, and you can make it. There is HOPE. And if you ever need anything at all, you can always contact me and I'll trey to be encouraging in a very non-cheesy way :) Love you gals, I hope that you can find hope in my story. :D
I heard this phrase and thought it summed everything up perfectly : Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. Just remember that.
Mm, very true. Lol, I love how you put in so much better than I do in two lines! You have the gift of summarization - my teachers would love you ;)
Yeah, when I write it comes out like an old stuffy English teacher even though I'm seventeen lol. I can't take credit for the quote but thanks for the compliment :)
You guys totally rock :) I would have never lasted as long as you if I had started to cut. I'd love to be like y'all
Lia wrote: "I'm going to write this just to help out those who are here listening/reading and those who have struggled/still struggle. I hope this isn't too much all at once... Lol, well here goes :)So about..."
Well said <3
Livi wrote: "You guys totally rock :) I would have never lasted as long as you if I had started to cut. I'd love to be like y'all"
Aw, shucks, you're too kind ;) But don't worry about trying to be like anyone else - be happy with who you are :) ... oh gosh, I just sounded so cliched. You know what I meant... :P
Aw, shucks, you're too kind ;) But don't worry about trying to be like anyone else - be happy with who you are :) ... oh gosh, I just sounded so cliched. You know what I meant... :P
It's kind of hard not to be on this topic lolz.
Thanks everyone <3 I love ya'll
Dauntless wrote: "It's kind of hard not to be on this topic lolz."
Lol, so true ;) And we love you too, Annabel <3
Lol, so true ;) And we love you too, Annabel <3
This group wouldn't rock half as good if you weren't on here girl! And I'm not just saying that :)
Wow, have you told her that that's not very funny? Because starting out little like that usually leads to bigger and bigger cuts.
Man that's a hard situation. I was thinking you should show her pics of what cutting leads to, but now I'm thinking if she saw pics she'd probably try what she saw. Do her parents know she's into cutting?
Boy I don't know what to tell ya. Maybe you should ask her what makes her want to do it. And if she says she just felt like it, then she might have a disorder of some sort. I'm not an expert, I'm just seeing similar signs of stuff I've seen before.
Haven't cut in 33 days, haven't wanted to cut in 7.
YAY! *hugs Anne* Keep it up! It'll get easier, I promise.
Hey that's awesome progress! Seriously I'm not just saying that. It's truly impressive.
Teen Suicide is growing and bullying needs to stop.
Hey guys. I wanted to ask how you've been Annabel. Have you had a good week? I'm here if you need to talk or rant if something is bothering you. Same goes for you too Damieka. Or anyone on here that needs someone to just listen. Know that your beautiful and loved no matter what :)
Annabel ♥ wrote: "I've gone 23 days without cutting, 23 days of horror. 3/4 of the days I've wondered whether i really want to still be alive. Some days I feel fine, others I want to kill myself. Like this week, I'v..."That's how I feel too! It's so weird and I really hate it but.. I don't know, its just all so confusing.
Dauntless wrote: "Hey guys. I wanted to ask how you've been Annabel. Have you had a good week? I'm here if you need to talk or rant if something is bothering you. Same goes for you too Damieka. Or anyone on here tha..."
Thank you so much for asking :) I'm actually not doing so well. I cut yesterday to the point where I was convinced I needed to see a doctor, and my wrist still hurts and is bleeding. I don't know whats wrong with me... I have anxiety and I think I might have depression even though my parents say i'm fine. The truth is my siblings left a couple days ago, (they're all older than I am) and I won't see them for a while. that leaves me alone with my parents for a long time,and I don't get along very well with my parents. So I have been feeling really awful and I just can't get over my siblings leaving.
Thank you so much for asking :) I'm actually not doing so well. I cut yesterday to the point where I was convinced I needed to see a doctor, and my wrist still hurts and is bleeding. I don't know whats wrong with me... I have anxiety and I think I might have depression even though my parents say i'm fine. The truth is my siblings left a couple days ago, (they're all older than I am) and I won't see them for a while. that leaves me alone with my parents for a long time,and I don't get along very well with my parents. So I have been feeling really awful and I just can't get over my siblings leaving.
I totally get where you're coming from. My sister graduated from high school this year so she won't be around as much. Which sucks because I have a year of high school left. She's like a buffer between me and my mom. And she's about the only one that supports me in whatever I do. So I completely understand what you mean. If you'd let me, I'd love to be the person you can talk to when your siblings aren't there. Because I know how hard it can be just waking up in the morning and moving forward. I know everybody says they know where you're coming from. I'll be honest, I've never cut myself or know how it feels to have that urge so I can't say I know how it feels. But I have been through pain and know that no one deserves it. No matter what form it may be in. So please, any time day or night I'll be here :D
Thank you :) that means a lot to me.
Lia wrote: "I'm going to write this just to help out those who are here listening/reading and those who have struggled/still struggle. I hope this isn't too much all at once... Lol, well here goes :)So about..."
There is no better way to say it than that, thanks Lia.
I know I haven't posted at all on this (I just found this thread today) and I want to say it fucking broke my heart to read that so many people out there are suffering this badly. It seriously makes me want to cry just to think of how badly all of you have been feeling. I know I've been through some crappy days, but you guys have been through some deep shit. And props to you for not giving in. I know it's hard some days and you just want to give up, but all of you posting on here, congratulations you didn't give up! And I hope you never do. I just want to say that even though it may seem like your ENTIRE world is crashing down and there's nothing left to do, but trust me, it always gets better. No matter what happened to you in the past, it always gets better. Maybe not today, or tomorrow, but someday after all the crap you go through is over, it will all be worth it that you didn't give up that one night when that boy/girl broke up with you, or that day when mean girl said some crap to you and bullied you, or whatever reason you have that made you want to give up, in the end there is something 100x better than what you just went through. I know it, so just hang in there, the storm will pass.
I have never cut, but there were countless days when I thought about it. I had a few friends that I knew did cut, and I talked to them about it and there were so many days when I would stay up until 2 in the morning still talking to this person and trying to get them to stop and see that they are better than the razor because all of you are better than that razor. There was a day when I had to go in my friend's backpack and throw a razor off a bus (yeah, that happened) and I encouraged them and talked them into stopping. And they told me- just like many of you have posted- about how hard it is to stop. But the reward of stopping is much greater than the pain that you went through. One of my closest friends had been bullied a lot at school and called me in tears saying that she wanted to die. I talked to her for hours, trying to calm her down. She had been so close to doing it, and thank God she called me before she did. I was about ready to run all the way to her house to calm her down. And I would do that for anyone that felt that that was their only way out because it's not fair that someone feels so horrible that they feel that they have to take their own life. So please, if anyone ever EVER feels that horribly come talk to me or any of the other amazing people on here willing to talk to you.
And if you're having a horrible day when you think nothing's going your way and the world is against you because all you focus on is the bad things, try to see the good things that happened. Instead of focusing on that mean girl/boy or that bad grade you got; focus on that nice guy who opened the door for you, or that guy/girl that smiled at you today. Enjoy those little things and nothing can ruin your day!
So now I want to talk about some of the tough stuff I've been through (sorry if this ends up really long) but I feel like I need to let it out but I'm afraid to talk to my friends, even the one mentioned above because at the moment we aren't that close and it breaks my heart :( So anyway as many have mentioned before they have eating disorders and I'm not sure I have one too. Any time I look at the scale and it says anything over 100 I kind of loose it.I freak out and start doing a ton of sit ups and push ups and doing anything to get it back to 100 or less. All my friends complain that they're 'heavy' and none of them are 'heavy' at all! And they always say I'm so skinny but I don't see myself that as skinny... And I used to have anxiety- like many others have mentioned also. In 2nd grade I had to see a therapist because I wouldn't leave the house to spend the night at people's houses, I stopped eating entirely and I couldn't sleep at night because I was too paranoid. That summer I had to eat a bag of some food a day to keep myself in a healthy weight. It scared my parents to death that year. And I also had really bad anxiety when we had to go on road trips or any car trip at all. Weeks before we left I would freak out and cry and work myself into suck a frenzy sometimes I would end up throwing up from nerves. I've had kind of a rough time but I'm coping with it now that I'm a little older an I found my outlet. I started to play the guitar and anytime I felt really stressed or anxious I would grab the guitar and play; it's really amazing how music can do that. And on days where I didn't have my guitar around I would listen to music instead of playing it and it helped immensely. Or I would write something when that happened. Every time I had a bad day I would come home and work on whatever I was writing at the time. Just to demonstrate how crappy things got: every time I got close to cutting I would write and I now have 162 pages and counting, see? But I never cut because i had my outlet so, as many others said, find what makes you happy and run with that, it will make a difference I promise you.
So in the end all of you out there thinking of suicide, cutting, or any sort of self harm DON'T it gets better. And anyone with anxiety or eating disorders I've been there and it's scary, but it'll be okay as long as you don't let it rule your life: i learned that the hard way. Hang in there everyone :) and I'll see you on the brighter side of things!
Gabby wrote: "Lia wrote: "I'm going to write this just to help out those who are here listening/reading and those who have struggled/still struggle. I hope this isn't too much all at once... Lol, well here goes ..."
This advice is awesome. Thank you. :)
I have started to obsess over my weight, I'm 5 feet 4 inches tall and I weigh 90 lbs, I can't stop weighing myself, I always want to weigh less and I just can't help it and its so terrible.
This advice is awesome. Thank you. :)
I have started to obsess over my weight, I'm 5 feet 4 inches tall and I weigh 90 lbs, I can't stop weighing myself, I always want to weigh less and I just can't help it and its so terrible.
Okay Annabel I'm about to make you feel WAY better about yourself. I am 5'0 tall and weigh 139 pounds. I have a type of hereditary diabetes so it's almost impossible for me to lose weight. It's taken me since I was ten to accept myself, but I've finally gotten there. You are ABSOLUTELY POSITIVELY IN EVERY WAY SPECIAL AND PERFECT!!! It doesn't matter what the number is on your shorts or if you can see your ribs. What matters is that you're happy and can accept that you are the way you are for a reason. It doesn't hurt to have ice cream or a candy bar every once in a while girl ;) Enjoy life and don't let looks destroy it.
Thanks. :) I'm trying. I sometimes hate myself so much I can't see past it, though. But thanks :)
I used to obsess over my weight...everyone kept calling me skinny. And I felt really back, but since a couple years I didn't care about my weight. I told myself that lots of people wanted my type of body and it makes me feel proud that I have it, you know? I'm also 5'4 but I'm like 95-100 pounds give or take? But I'm going to be a sophmore next year; so yeah...But I'm a bit scared that my chest hasn't developed much, because lots of girls has already developed theirs. So I'm a bit...weary on that, but it shouldn't matter because I cover myself; I'm a Muslim. But still...and guess what? I don't know what an an A-B-or-C-cup bra looks like (I'm maybe less than an A, but idk again). And it's because I think a girl like me should know. So, umm..yeah. I just that innocent when it comes to gender-topics. :(
well don't worry. Everyone's unique and your body is what it is. As much as that sounds like the things that you were expecting to say, it really is true. Just be thankful that you are able to run and stuff without having too much weight to carry around. ;) don't worry about your chest, I've found that it doesn't help anyone, and then we get smaller dress sizes! all my friends are shorter than me and have bigger umm, 'chests' than me, but it's just the type of body you have. Be proud! I'm 16 too.
Ahah, I'm 15 :) but yeah, thx. But I at least need to be aware of what those 3-bra sizes are. I'm a huge fan on manga, and many guys are always talking about those "cups"...and I hate when I read something, but I don't understand it.
Oh wow, many guys are obsessed with C-cups...but thx for the advice! I always wear my bra(sports one) every time, even when I sleep. So idk if that's holding my growth.And another thing; does it make me weird if I'm not all that into The Infernal Devices series? It's making me feel insecure.
No definitely not. Everyone has their own preference in books. Maybe that's just not yours.
I get that, but endless ratings are 5-stars; and it's just strange. I never seen a series that's been so hyped up, and honestly, I can't see why it is so.
Personally I'm a big fan of all Cassandra Clare books. But I think it's kind of a hard series to really understand unless you've read some of her other stuff. And I've found books too that had awesome reviews but fell flat for me. So it's not just you.
don't feel bad, rate them however you feel. Goodreads, is first and formost, al about the reader. So you rate it whatever you want to honey!
Athena Ivashkova ~♥~ wrote: "I used to obsess over my weight...everyone kept calling me skinny. And I felt really back, but since a couple years I didn't care about my weight. I told myself that lots of people wanted my type o..."
My chest isn't much developed either, although I'm 2 years younger than you are. It seems like every girl at school is either a lot bigger or a lot smaller than me, people tell me I'm tiny and skinny etc., but I switch back and forth between thinking I'm too small, or thinking I'm too big. If I wanted to I could wear a sports bra all the time instead of a cup one, but I'm more comfortable in cups anyway even if I'm like a triple A. :P
My chest isn't much developed either, although I'm 2 years younger than you are. It seems like every girl at school is either a lot bigger or a lot smaller than me, people tell me I'm tiny and skinny etc., but I switch back and forth between thinking I'm too small, or thinking I'm too big. If I wanted to I could wear a sports bra all the time instead of a cup one, but I'm more comfortable in cups anyway even if I'm like a triple A. :P
I'm the only girl in my family, sometimes that can be difficult, I mean besides my mum because my brothers all want to play together and it can get lonely.But I'm not allowed to see my friends all the time either because there's so much stuff to do when there are 6 people living inthe same house.
So, sometimes I can feel lonely or need to just talk, sometimes online chatting just doesn't cut it. But I do the best I can.
I know this sounds either really sad or pathetic. Maybe both. But I don't have any close friends outside of Goodreads. And I agree. It can be kind of lonely like there's no one to talk to. But hey, it's better to have friends on here than none or few at all right?
yeah, that's true. Becuase there aren't that many people who actually read that I know. And reading and writing is like, my life, so it's nice to have people on here who actually understand what I'm talking about. :)
Exactly. It's nice to have something in common right from the get go.
I hope your ok!