Dating: Questions and Misconceptions

[Christi]

Hey there! This is a group geared towards Christian teens, and if there's one thing we all have issues with, it's dating. So I (and T.C. if she wants to) will be posting here to answer some common questions and misconceptions about dating to give our input. :3 You can also message us if you have any questions of your own, which we will answer anonymously.

[T.C.]

I'm in!

[Christi]

Yay!

[Olive]

I'm down

[[deleted user]]

cant wait

[T.C.]

So who wants to start it off? Who has a question about dating or wants to talk about what they think is right or wrong?

[Olive]

I'll give it a go! Okay. What if you really really liked someone and you started going out, but now you don't? How do you tell them?

[T.C.]

I was always pretty bad at that. I hate hurting people's feelings. One thing I learned is you have to be honest, and you have to address it directly. Stop and think about why. Be as specific as you can be, with yourself first. Then, let him know, in person if possible. Let him know it is hard for you because you think he is a good guy (if you believe it is true!), but certain things just aren't working for you.

Staying friends is an option, but don't expect that to fly for him. He might want space. And staying friends could lead to getting back together, which might not be a good thing.

On another note, keep that mental list of what didn't work for you. Then, the next time you are interested in a guy, bring that list back out. Sometimes, we tend to go for the same kind of guy, and we shouldn't (A "bad boy", for example because it's exciting.) But we need to stop and remember the experience and use our brain to explain to our heart that we don't want to go through that again! Use as much time as you can to think about a relationship before you get into one.

So there's my advice. I am sure it sounds trite, but I have experience to back it up.

[Olive]

Ugh! I really don't want to hurt him. Ill wait until I know for sure

[Cody]

Are you two actually together right now?

[Olive]

... As in is he here? No :P are we together? Yes. Well at least he is under the assumption that I still feel that way about him.

[Cody]

And where is he?

[Olive]

? What do you mean?

[Cody]

Does he live close to you?

[Olive]

Pfff no! He lives across le highway!

[Olive]

I see him at school

[Cody]

Have you thought about why you don't feel that way about him?

[Olive]

Well, my mom kinda pushed him on me whenever she became besties with his mom and heard he had a thing for me. I think I did grow fond of him, but I don't think I ever really felt that way about him. I think im trying to make myself feel something I don't. He's not doing anything wrong, it's just... He's almost my exact opposite.

[Olive]

He's so peaceful, and mannered, and quiet. He's not argument , he never gets mad, he's the perfect son, and I'm not saying all of this because I think he's too good for me, we just don't... Click.

[Cody]

Oh parents can get in the way sometimes haha sit down and have a nice polite talk with him letting him no you don't want to hurt by trying to be something you can't be.

[Olive]

I think the feelings mutual, but I don't want to confront him just to have him tell me he truly does have feelings for me. But I can tell there's just nothing there.

[Cody]

Then idk

[Olive]

Uurrggg. I'm gonna see how the neat future goes. All good things go to those who wait i guess.

[T.C.]

Gosh, yeah, I can totally understand how hard it can be, but at least the feelings are mutual. (Your gut instincts are probably right.) The hard part seems to be that your moms put this together. (Surprising! I would think a lot of parents would want to keep their teenage daughters from dating too early.)

Maybe ask him his thoughts? Ask if he thinks things are working. Inevitibly, he will ask, "Why, do you?" Then you can just be honest.

Here's my "I can relate story." In college, my best guy friend confessed how much he liked me. We were the opposite of what you say, though. We were so very much alike, you would think we'd have been perfect for each other. I hated telling him. I didn't even know what to tell him. I wound up telling him he was too short for me! How awful is that? The truth is that God had someone else for me. I often replay in my head how I should have said it.

[T.C.]

And for the record, I don't think waiting is a bad idea. It will give you time to get your thoughts straight. But if you start to see signs that he is getting more into you and the relationship, you would be best to speed up your thinking. Keep us posted.

[T.C.]

Cody- thanks for joining in. We can use a guy's perspective here.

[Olive]

Thanks you guys :)

[Cody]

Oh and don't forget to pray.

[Olive]

:)

[Cody]

:)

[T.C.]

I don't doubt she is. :)

[Cody]

Sometimes we get caught up in what we are trying to do and forget to talk to God

[T.C.]

True.

[Cody]

I do agree with you on asking him to see what he has to say.

[Rachelle£]

Hey guys. I'm having trouble with a friend who has EXTREME boy problems. She always goes for guys that cheat on her and she keeps coming back to them. How can I help her? (btw its not me!)

[Christi]

My suggestion to her is that she should get to know the guy first. Building up a friendship with him before dating will allow her to see what that guy is really like and then she can make a decision from there. Another idea is that she can make a checklist of qualities she's looking for, such as "Is he honest?" and "Is he patient?" If he doesn't meet the criteria, then he's not the right one.

[Rachelle£]

Ok, thanks! I'll try and get her to do that.

[T.C.]

From what I understand, some girls/women are like that - always going for the "wrong" kind of guy. It may have to do with how she's been treated in the past. She may be easily buying into lies or flattery guys tell her just because she so desperately wants it to be true.

Personally I think the best thing you can do is help to build up her confidence. Remind her how much she is worth and that it is okay to wait for a guy who is going to treat her better. If she is a Christian, remind her that Jesus loved her enough to die for her. While that's a mighty high standard to live up to, it shows how treasured she is. She needs to finds someone who feels like that about her.

Keep at it, be a good friend. Someone in my family has married "the wrong kind of man" twice," and now she is on and off with a non-recovering alcoholic. If your friend can break through this now, it could save her a lot of pain later!

[Rachelle£]

Thank you sooooo much!

[Audrey]

Hey, friends! Here's what's up:
So I liked this guy A LOT. Though he probably hated me, I had seen a few times when he actually spoke about me in a good way. Basically, it went on like that for a few months, I like him and he is just weird.
Well, swimming is over and that's the only place I see him. He is going to Greece for the summer and now he'll be doing school sports so he'll never come to the team again! I was like: NOOOOOO! Plus, this guy has a girlfriend...
His good friend texted me a few days ago and just laid out the truth: "Move on, chill, he won't come back, you'll find someone else, and you're probably really mad."
Well, I wasn't "mad", I was a bit "sad", a little "disappointed", and even slightly "depressed". With every explaining, helping, encouraging, and disappointing text, I was thinking No! My heart will NOT go on! How do I just stop?
He said to stop thinking about him. Then, I was like you're kidding, right?
I seriously gave this guy the title "Dr. Adam Psychologist for sad teens". He wasn't ever mean about it, he was being a good friend.
My question is... How am I supposed to go on without being depressed, and quiet, and extremely sad... how do I pick up where I left off?
Thanks and sorry for the extremely LONG post.

[T.C.]

Here's my thought. You like him, so I don't think there's any rule that says you HAVE TO stop thinking about him. But here's what will happen. You won't be seeing him as much, so you won't spend a lot of time getting ready for and thinking about how swim practice will go. You will probably think about him a little less than before. At some point someone else will probably take off your thoughts. ;)

In the meantime, you will be sad, and you will be depressed. It is just what happens. Let yourself have that, and don't let people tell you that you are being silly. It's real. Everyone goes through it. But it will end, most likely happily.

Those are my thoughts. I hope it helps!

[Audrey]

I mean last night, this girl kept on trying to ask me over and over "Sooooo. Do you still like him?"
And the guy that texted me would not even let her finish the question. (Good.) But seriously, I think I'm on the mend! (Also good.)
Actually I probably won't be seeing him at all! But yeah, I still think about him lesser and lesser everyday... weird.
I'm kinda weird at dating... I have a list of traits that a guy must have if I were to date him. That way, I don't get the 17 year old guy who flirts with me and what not. (I'm 12... ew.)
Thank you for your help!

[T.C.]

Glad to help. You've got a long way ahead of you, so keep that list tight and specific. I don't want you to get hurt by the wrong guy! (The right guy won't hurt.) ;)

We're here if you need to talk things out more.

[Audrey]

Thanks! You girls rock!
And yeah... the right won't hurt... like the 17 year old guy who threw jellybeans at my head hard for a half an hour... ugh.

[T.C.]

*sigh* Boys can be so immature. Even the old ones!

[Christi]

Can't live with them, can't live without them.

[Christi]

And my gosh, two boys followed me and threw crabapples at me once. Seriously, what the heck?

[T.C.]

Christi wrote: "Can't live with them, can't live without them."

Ha ha, true, though it will come to a point when it is nice to live with them... or at least the one you're married to!

[Audrey]

Crabapples hurt more than stale jellybeans! Ouch!
And haha... (can't live with them. Can't live without them.)

[[deleted user]]

Ummm, I'm 13, and I want to start dating. I've heard about courting and all of that, and I AM looking for that good strong relationship. I've prayed about it, and I think that God gave me his answer in who he wants me with. But my friend REALLY REALLY likes him, and I'm not sure if I heard God wrong, or if that really was God, or how to bring it up to my friend, or anything. I just want to make god happy. What do I do???