Need help with query letter

[Library Lady 📚]

I think the line about it proving fatal sounds a bit too much, but overall, it's not bad. I'd also cut the bio paragraph, since that doesn't matter unless you've been published. That's for your author bio on Amazon, Goodreads, etc, but an agent probably doesn't need all that until she signs you and wants to send it to a publisher.

[October]

I promise I’m not yelling by using caps lock. It was the easiest way to differentiate my comments from your text. Your query is pretty good. I found your plot to be enticing. I had just a few suggestions. Below you’ll find my comments intertwined with your text:

Dear [Agent's name],

I read on the Publisher's Marketplace website [or wherever I learned of them] that you’re seeking fantasy novels,—I NEVER SAW THE POINT OF MENTIONING THINGS LIKE THIS. THE AGENT KNOWS WHAT THEY ARE SEEKING; YOU DON’T HAVE TO REMIND THEM. PLUS YOU’RE WASTING WORDS—so I’m pleased to introduce my 109,700 word adult fantasy novel, The Pendragon's Son—THE PENDRAGON'S SON—TITLE IS ALWAYS IN UPPERCASE—. Prince Vaeldhei, the son of King Arthur and apprentice to Merlin, battles to change the tragic prophecy ruling the life of his misguided half-brother, Mordred.

Vaeldhei wants nothing more than the approval of his father, King Arthur, and a place in Camelot, which becomes impossible with his half-brother Mordred’s arrival.—THE SENTENCE BEFORE THIS MADE IT SEEM LIKE VAELDHEI WANTED TO HELP MORDRED, BUT, NOW, THIS SENTENCE SEEMS LIKE HE DOESN’T LIKE HIM. I’M CONFUSED—The prophecy surrounding this unwelcome—IF YOU DON’T DEFINE WHO HE IS UNWELCOMED FROM I’M LEFT TO BELIEVE IT’S BY VAELDHEI—son of King Arthur and the dreaded sorceress Morgan LeFay is known—THAT SENTENCE DIDN’T FLOW. TOO MANY WORDS—throughout the land—the boy is destined to ignite a war that causes the destruction of Camelot. No one dares to question the finality of his fate, except for Vaeldhei.

“THE BOY THAT WAS DESTINED TO IGNITE A WAR…” WAS A JUICY SENTENCE. POSSIBLY, YOU COULD BEGIN YOUR QUERY WITH THIS SENTENCE.

Realizing that there must be a catalyst to spark change, he thrusts himself into the fierce battle against Morgan LeFay, determined to protect his home and keep Mordred from his dark path. However, provoking fate may prove fatal for the naive prince.k—THIS PARAGRAPH WAS LOVELY. I REALLY GOT A SENSE OF THE PLOT, AND I LIKE IT :)

[Insert my credentials]. My story will not only appeal to fans of Arthurian tales such as Marion Zimmer Bradley's Mists of Avalon, but also to fans of George R.R. Martin's epic Game of Thrones series. —I, PERSONALLY, HATE COMPARATIVES. THEY’RE BORING. THEY WASTE WORDS. AND SOMETIMES, MOST OF THE TIME, IT’S HARD TO PICTURE THE COMPARED NOVELS MESHING TOGETHER.

I have a minor in Literature, as well as a Bachelor's degree in Psychology, and three Associate's degrees. I am a perpetual student; I am always craving knowledge and always eager to learn and improve. Currently, I am a [insert occupation], and I live with my husband, my books, and my reptiles.

“ALWAYS CRAVING KNOWLEDGE AND ALWAYS EAGER TO LEARN AND IMPROVE” AGENTS ARE NOT LOOKING FOR SOMEONE TO BABYSIT OR TEACH. THAT SENTENCE COMES OFF DESPERATE, EVEN THOUGH, TRUE BE TOLD, WE WRITERS ARE PUT IN A DESPERATE SITUATION WITH QUERYING. HOWEVER YOU DO NOT WANT TO SOUND LIKE AN AMATEUR. IN THE END, AGENTS ARE, BASICALLY, LOOKING FOR A BUSINESS PARTNER.

I'd be happy to send you my complete manuscript for your review. —MY MANUSCRIPT IS AVAILABLE, IN PART OR FULL, UPON YOUR REQUEST— Thank you for your time and consideration. I look forward to hearing from you.

Sincerely,

Kelly [insert address, phone and email here]