Query Letter Help!!!!

[H.R.]

Questions: Is it too short? I don't want to give too much away, but I also don't want to give too little lol.

I don't have any qualifications so I avoided the Bio paragraph. Do you think this will impact my query much?

My novel is actually written in past tense, but for some reason my query sounded better in present....is that normal? lol

Edit away.......


Dear ((agent)),

A week after shifter Catrina Macintyre’s 17th birthday, she listens from the basement of her childhood home as her parents are tortured and murdered above her.

Clinging to the last words of her deceased mother, she lives in solitude as a lone wolf in the wilderness of Alaska for six years. A wolf sanctuary in Canada fails to integrate her into their local pack and call in Killian Stone, the Alpha of a pack in California who uses his own wolf sanctuary as a front to help lone-shifters. The minute he lays eyes on the unique white wolf with the passionate eyes, he knows he has to bring her home.

Killian understands that it is impossible to do everything in life alone. A terrified Cat doesn’t want to trust the man trying to help her, despite his charming and confident demeanor, and refuses to shift back to human. Then he shows her an opportunity she didn’t have before: the possibility to train as a fighter.

But Cat realizes that learning to fight isn’t the biggest obstacle to her goal. A larger story plays in the background beyond Cat and the pack, and when it threatens the very people she has come to love, she has to face it; even if it means her own destruction.

LOST IN VENGEANCE is a 92,300 word paranormal romance. It is my first novel.

Thank you for your time.

[Library Lady 📚]

If you don't have a bio, leave it off. It should be fine. Also, queries should be in present tense.

On to specifics:

It's pretty solid, imo, until the last paragraph. That one totally lost me. It seemed learning to fight was her goal in the sentence before this. Speaking of, I'm not exactly sure what her goal is to begin with. The rest of the paragraph is very vague and a bit generic. I'd either leave it off or make it more specific.

Hope that helps!

[H.R.]

Lena wrote: "If you don't have a bio, leave it off. It should be fine. Also, queries should be in present tense.

On to specifics:

It's pretty solid, imo, until the last paragraph. That one totally lost me. It..."

I'm not going to lie...I had a really hard time with the last paragraph. It was hard enough trying to make a one page synopsis...and then this? ouch.

Basically this is what I want to portray but I'm scared it'll give away too much: Her goal is to hunt down the person who killed her parents. But she thinks if she chooses to stay with the pack permanently, they'll hold her back. When they offer to help her, she makes the decision to stay. They uncover a bunch of stuff (the larger story) that puts them into danger. Like I said, I don't want to give away too much, but I want it to be intriguing lol

[Library Lady 📚]

I'd put in the revenge goal first thing. Like, after the first sentence. Otherwise, it seems like a lot of backstory leading up to the last paragraph, where the action really starts, but it's too vague to tell! Lol...

If you start off with the parents dying, and then her goal for revenge, the rest makes more sense. There's a lot of resources out there that give a query "formula." The basics: introduce character, goal, what she stands to lose, her obstacle.

Hope that helps!

[H.R.]

It does! Thank you so much! I'm so nervous about the whole thing.

[H.R.]

Ok. I deleted the last two paragraphs and wrote something new. Here's the new one:

A week after shifter Catrina Macintyre’s 17th birthday, she listens from the basement of her childhood home as her parents are tortured and murdered above her. With the sound of their screams still ringing in her ears, she swears an oath to avenge their deaths.

Clinging to the last words of her deceased mother, she lives in solitude as a lone wolf in the wilderness of Alaska for six years. A wolf sanctuary in Canada fails to integrate her into their local pack and call in Killian Stone, the Alpha of a pack in California who uses his own wolf sanctuary as a front to help lone-shifters. The minute he lays eyes on the unique white wolf with the passionate eyes, he knows he has to bring her home.

Hope is a dangerous thing while on the path of vengeance. Cat fights the attraction between her and Killian, as well as the friendships blooming among the pack. When she makes the decision to stay, Cat finds that the person she was hunting is now hunting her.

[Kelsey]

I think right now your biggest issue is the change on perspectives. The second paragraph starts from Catrina's point of view, then oddly gets a sentence (the last one) in Killian's.

You need to change that up so its all from Cat's perspective.

also, I would consider either not using the line: Hope is a dangerous thing while on the path of vengeance-- this is one of those movie trailer lines that doesn't really mean anything at all while trying to say too much.

Your last paragraph still needs a little work -- you made Cat's choice clear in that she had to stay with the pack or not, but what's the risk there? I wouldn't tell us she decides to stay, just say, Cat wants to stay, but when she finds out the person she was hunting is now hunting her, her new found relationships are in danger? (I am making assumptions here that that is the risk of her staying?)

The thing is, with a query you want to make sure to present the "catch". With the ending you have now, in my eyes I see, ok, so she stays and the pack helps her kill the person hunting her and life is good, I see the path to a happy simple resolution. That doesn't make for a good book? (even if that is what happens, there's obviously a lot of build up where Cat doesn't know what to do-- that's the story) You want to present the, "see, there might not be a happy resolution, this is a hard choice for her, that's why you read the book" to the agent.

You have to show what her choice is (stay with pack, don't stay) and why the choice is a hard one to make. Whats the consequences she's facing on either side that makes the choice the main conflict of the book.

Does that make any sense <_<.

[H.R.]

It does make sense. Grr writing these really drives me crazy. Harder than writing the whole darn book lol

[Kelsey]

So hard. And you have to do it in like two sentences. It's the worst. It really really is.

[H.R.]

Ok. I tried to just scratch the whole thing and start over. Maybe this format works a little better?

I am seeking representation for my 92,300 word paranormal romance, LOST IN VENGEANCE. Because of your interest in paranormal fiction and (personalized bit), I believe this book is right up your alley.

Shifter Catrina Macintyre spends six years as a lone-wolf in the wilderness of Alaska, with an oath of revenge weighing down on her. She can still hear the sound of her parents’ screams echoing in her mind as they are tortured in her childhood home. Yet when she finds herself in California, under the leadership of an Alpha and the distrusting looks of his pack, she begins to think there may be more worth living for.

Killian Stone runs Wolf Creek, a sanctuary for wolves in California—and a front for his pack to live there. When he meets the stubborn she-wolf with the haunted eyes, he can’t help but think he has the opportunity to save her. Their attraction is undeniable, but Killian struggles to break through the walls guarding her heart.

She needs to fight her demons, he needs her to stay—what they don’t realize is that there’s someone hunting Cat down. The same person she has been seeking all along.

Thank you for your time.

[Kelsey]

Better, watch the clunkyness of the second sentence in the first paragraph, her mind, and the childhood home details might not be needed.

In the killian paragraph, you should probably say Cat is the she-wolf.

In the last paragraph, you still need to at least give a few more words on the why-- i'm okay with the she needs to fight her demons part, but why does he need her to stay?

Try to just shorten the language too, Example:

Your sentence: What they don't realize is that there's someone hunting cat down.

A better sentence: But they don't realize someone is hunting Cat down (less words)

Or even:What they don't realize is someone is hunting cat down.

[H.R.]

>.> Kelsey....you are amazing. Just sayin'


I am seeking representation for my 92,300 word paranormal romance, LOST IN VENGEANCE. Because of your interest in paranormal fiction, I believe this book is right up your alley.

Shifter Catrina Macintyre spends six years as a lone-wolf in the wilderness of Alaska, with an oath of revenge weighing down on her. Her ears still ring with the tortured screams of her parents. When she finds herself in California under the leadership of an Alpha and the distrusting eyes of his pack, she begins to think there may be more worth living for.

Killian Stone runs Wolf Creek, a sanctuary for wolves in California—and a front for his pack to live there. When he meets Cat, a stubborn she-wolf with haunted eyes, he can’t help but think he has the opportunity to save her. Their attraction is undeniable, but Killian struggles to break through the walls guarding her heart.

Catrina thinks the pack will hold her back. She needs to fight her demons to feel relief. He wants her protected by his side. Their choices could break everything the other has lived for: her vengeance, his safe haven. What they don’t realize is someone is hunting Cat down. The same person she has been seeking all along.

[H.R.]

Ok. I'm feeling much better about this one. It really shows Killian's motives as well as Cat's.

I am seeking representation for my 92,300 word paranormal romance, LOST IN VENGEANCE. Because of your interest in paranormal fiction, I believe this book is right up your alley.

Alone. The one place no shifter wants to find themselves. Yet Catrina Macintyre spends six years as a lone-wolf in the wilderness of Alaska, fueled by her need for vengeance. The night her parents were tortured and murdered while she hid haunts her memories. When Killian Stone drags her to California, she has one goal: learn to fight and get the hell out of dodge. Yet he challenges her mindset, pushing her to believe there may be more to life than revenge.

Killian is on a mission: to give lone-wolves a place to live with a pack so they don’t get taken over by their animal. His innate sense of responsibility and protectiveness has him pulling Cat out of a Canadian wolf sanctuary and bringing her to his home in Wolf Creek. She’s stubborn, haunted, and has the potential to be a fierce warrior. But something makes him want to keep her close, away from the danger she is so intent to seek out.

As Cat struggles with her fierce need to hunt, she is bombarded with the friendships of the pack and her undeniable attraction toward Killian. Her decision to leave or stay could break everything she has lived for. But what Cat doesn’t realize is someone is hunting her down. The same person she has been searching for all along.

Thanks for you time.

[Kelsey]

Actually this one is worse

The one before this one though- in my opinion was almost there


Change the spends to spent in that first paragraph work on the part after the emdash in the second about front for his pack- it sounds weird to me

And the last sentence needs to be more pointed about making the connection to the initial conflict at the start . We need to know that that someone is the person she swore to kill or whatever .

The first version is better because it hits all the right points, gives us details that are unique and show ur unique style. The second is full of cliche sayings like get out of dodge and is trying so hard it sounds extremely forced.

It's also too specific u are playing a balance here of details but not too many details.

I really think you have something with that first version tho and were getting close to something.

Post on forums like agent query connect on the query feedback forum and read some others. You have to give feedback to get it but you'll learn more and get more opinions. Also try the query tracker forums. They have a board just for feedback on Querys too.

Sorry google them. I'd provide links normally but on phone traveling and that feels beyond my ability .

[Kelsey]

Sorry also for weird grammar I am only so smart phone savvy

[H.R.]

Thanks Kelsey! I didn't know those existed. I'll definitely give them a look-see :-p

[H.R.]

Ok, I've got 2 more possible queries. Short and sweet, or long and lengthy. I've read differing opinions on how a query should be...so what do you guys think?

Query #1:
I am seeking representation for my XXXXX word paranormal romance, LOST IN VENGEANCE. Because of your interest in paranormal fiction, I believe this book is right up your alley.
“Once they’re gone, change to your wolf and don’t come here ever again. I don’t want you to change back until you find safety, do you understand?”

Shifter Catrina Macintyre has had one thing on her mind since she was seventeen—revenge for the murder of her parents. Six years as a lone-wolf in Alaska, clinging to the last words of her mother, has left her closed off and untrusting; that is, until Alpha Killian Stone rescues her from imprisonment at a wolf sanctuary because she’s deliberately starving herself.

Killian promises to train her to fight at his home in California, giving her the strength to hunt down the murderer. She shifts to human, giving him a trust she thought she’d never find in herself to give. Protective, loyal and just a little on the silly side, Killian pushes at Cat’s cautious heart and tempts her to want what she denies herself: a pack. As she battles the attraction between her and Killian and the friendships she never expected, Cat doesn’t realize another shifter is hunting her; the one she has been seeking all along.

Cat learns her world is a little more complicated than she thought. Warlocks, ancient myths, and family ties are brought to light; and threaten the very pack she has been determined to push away.

Thank you for your time.


Query #2:

I am seeking representation for my XXXXX word paranormal romance, LOST IN VENGEANCE. Because of your interest in paranormal fiction, I believe this book is right up your alley.

After hearing her parents tortured and murdered, and spending six years as a lone-wolf in the wilderness of Alaska, shifter Catrina Macintyre has become cautious and fierce. Her desire to get revenge fuels her every action; and when Killian Stone, the Alpha of a small pack in California, rescues her from an unfortunate circumstance, she knows she’s found her opportunity. Killian has a home for lone-wolves and trains them to fight, which can finally give her the strength to hunt the murderer down. Yet Killian is intent on keeping her safe by his side, with a pack she is determined to push away. She wants nothing to get in the way of her path to vengeance, not even a smoking hot Alpha with a tendency to sing country music over his frying pan.

I am a University student, moving towards a Bachelor’s in English. I am also a member of Romance Writers of America and run a book review blog.

[Brittany]

I liked elements from both 1 and 2
from 1, i liked that you added a quote from the mother. It clarifies her actions. I think the last sentence adds too many more questions and becomes confusing. I was very grounded with the shifter storyline, then you add other mythical creatures and im like "what???"


I think 2 is a little more clear but then its loses the stakes that 1 explains. 2 doesnt explain at all whats on the line for her. besides her being cautious, it doesnt tell me what is on the line for her

[Gillian]

Personally, I think #2 is better in every way, but this is not my genre.

[Library Lady &#x1f4da;]

The second one is MUCH better. If you're not already familiar, I'd also recommend AbsoluteWrite's forums, where a lot of knowledgeable and published authors can give you advice.