Week 267 (June 28-July 4). Stories. Topic: Paradigm Shift

[Angie]

Ica: What a stunning debut in WSS! I am very impressed with your skill in building the setting and keeping your reader guessing. Your characterization is delicate and also practical. Raul, Gina, and Joseph's development was just enough to make the following events believable, but wasn't excessive. Welcome to the group :) I will certainly be looking forward to your future entries.

[Edward]

Angie wrote: "Edward: That was such a sweet story! I loved the way you developed Greg and Summer's characters; my heart really went out for both of them. That ending was certainly a surprise that tied everythin..."

Thanks Angie. :)

[Garrison]

Angie wrote: "Garrison: Your piece this week has such great imagery in some parts and I love the angle you approached the prompt from. The only thing I would have to say is that Marcia and Edwin were a bit flat compared to some of the other characters you've introduced us to. But still an enjoyable story :)"

Short stories should always be enjoyable, so I'm happy you liked it despite the minor flaws. :)

[Garrison]

Angie, whether it’s being done by government officials or a civilian criminal, false imprisonment can feel like the world’s biggest injustice and you’ve revealed every heartbreaking detail of such in your story. I know your story is set in a sci-fi world, but it’s just as poignant in the modern world. Maybe the innocent prisoners don’t have Remorse running through their veins, but they do have Super Max prisons and solitary confinement cells with “no human contact” orders. These things are terrifying to someone who is on the edge of losing his or her mind. I really cheered for Ian when he was being released from his coffin, but then the unthinkable happened and he’s right back to square one of his depressing existence. Though you’ve broken your readers’ hearts, it’s still a well-written story with a lot to say. Thank you so much for your entry this week!

Deepak, aside from the minor errors in your story, this is actually a well-written excerpt from your book, which I hope gets published someday. I don’t know if you’ve mentioned anything about it earlier in your novel, but I’d like to know more about the relationship between Charlie and his aunt. When people rescue each other from insane criminals, an aunt and nephew relationship isn’t normally what we think of, so maybe some details into how they got along in the past would be nice. Also, if you’re going to have two different people speak to each other, have them talk in separate paragraphs instead of the same one. The flaws in your story this week are minor at best and are easier to fix than you think. Come to think of it, when it comes to short stories, the editing process isn’t really that bad to begin with. It goes by just like that! Good story this week, my friend!

Arun, within the tiny space of 1,300 words, you’ve constructed three different tales which I’m eager to see intertwine someday. Perhaps these people can meet by accident and the controlled chaos can ensue from there. Or maybe they know each other and we can still have controlled chaos. The potential of what this short story can be reminds me of the work of Carl Hiaasen. In the most recent novel I’ve read from him, titled “Stormy Weather”, there’s a hurricane in southern Florida and different people want to exploit it in some way for their own personal gain. There are many characters and when they meet each other by chance, that’s when the real party begins. Your story could have that kind of chaotic power if you choose to expand upon it. Think about what you’ve got here for a minute.

[Angie]

Thanks Garrison ^_^ I always look forward to your detailed and sweet feedback each week.

This story ended differently than I originally planned. It was supposed to be a story about a father being released from prison, and searching the universe for his son after learning of his wife's death. But it sort of took on a life of its own. I'm glad it still turned out acceptable for at least one person. :)

[Garrison]

It exceeded expectations, Angie. :)

[Mark]

Reflections at the Recycle Yard
by Mark Reeves
320 words

Gojira is Godzilla. Gojira was a Japanese word cross between whale and gorilla, but we all know him as Godzilla. And the horrible things he has done to Japan as seen through countless crummy movies, which I love. It is a funny relationship Japan has with Godzilla, sometimes he seems to help and they cheer him on, he has allies, like Mothra who fight together against a common foe. I say he is Godzilla, but I think it has no gender in Japanese versions. I like Godzilla.

The phrase, paradigm shift, is no longer appropriate. It will be now known as, Fundamental Change:

Solutions Provider – The AskTheManager replacement phrase leaders should use: Vendor.

Bring Your “A” Game – The AskTheManager replacement phrase leaders should use: Arrive Prepared.

Take it to the Next Level – The AskTheManager replacement phrase leaders should use: Improve.

Maybe paradigm shifts happen quickly, and together. As if birds in large flocks knowing when to turn. Human life will be increasingly difficult to measure with lost limbs and missing genitalia. How much human will determine a human, a percentage?

A new paradigm will evolve, one of acceptance with change. No more fears of a monster, or an exact clone of Albert Einstein, as Godzilla sleeps or goes away. The first human union with a robot is right around the corner and the result will be a beautiful bionic baby! These are the days of wonder. All life will be sacred.

When the storm came thru East Texas last week it blew out our power wire. The electric company left the old wire. Tomorrow me and my teenage son will coil the thick wire and build a fire along the ring to remove the insulation. We can take it up to the recycle place and get good money. We will probably use the money to buy fireworks, fried chicken, and beer, or ice cream, or both. With any money left over maybe we will stream an old Godzilla movie, to really see how far we have come. And honor the memory of sleepy Godzilla, OK, maybe we can get Terminator 2 out of the Redbox up at Walgreens, really, can go either way on this one.

Happy Birthday America! (Dang Redbox was closed!!!!!)

[Mark]

Arun wrote: "Look who's talking : An Anthology"

I enjoy reading your work!

[Edward]

Mark wrote: "Reflections at the Recycle Yard
by Mark Reeves
320 words

Gojira is Godzilla. Gojira was a Japanese word cross between whale and gorilla, but we all know him as Godzilla. And the horrible things he..."

One man's trash is another man's treasure - that's what I got from this little tale. :D

[Arun]

Garrison wrote: "Arun, within the tiny space of 1,300 words, you’ve constructed three different tales which I’m eager to see intertwine someday. Perhaps these people can meet by accident and the controlled chaos can ensue from there. Or maybe they know each other and we can still have controlled chaos. The potential of what this short story can be reminds me of the work of Carl Hiaasen. In the most recent novel I’ve read from him, titled “Stormy Weather”, there’s a hurricane in southern Florida and different people want to exploit it in some way for their own personal gain. There are many characters and when they meet each other by chance, that’s when the real party begins. Your story could have that kind of chaotic power if you choose to expand upon it. Think about what you’ve got here for a minute."

Hmm, interesting. Although, I can think of some ways to do that, currently all my ideas are stereotypical tropes. I will have to see if I can think of some interesting way of combining these tales. Thanks for the suggestion!

Mark wrote: "I enjoy reading your work!"

Thank you so much! I am quite overjoyed on reading this statement :-)

[Garrison]

That's why I'm here, Arun: to give you thoughtful suggestions and to boost your spirits in the process. :)

[Marie]

Angie wrote: "Marie: That must certainly have been a surprise for the president, and definitely an interesting take on the prompt. I've always wondered if the presidents feel compelled to ask if aliens are real..."

It would definitely change the way you look at the world you live in if you realized that we are not, in fact, alone in the universe. Especially if the aliens come looking for a fight!

[Deepak]

Sorry about the late feedback.

Garrison: I haven’t played D&D but I am quite familiar with the setting. Marcia actually reminds me of one of the characters from Skyrim, for her over the top preaching. It was an enjoyable read!

Marie: Vampires that actually can scare are the best sort of vampires. Is this story in the same universe as “Dawn’s First Light”? Because if I remember right, the vampire in that story had an empathic connection (if I can call it that) with his friend. I loved the story and I do hope you get published. I can’t wait to read the full thing!

Edward: I loved the subtle use of the topic (This made me feel a bit bad because I had the character in my story actually quote it). I loved the story; it made me feel good but it did make me feel a bit sad that people nowadays tend not to look beyond first impressions and looks. As you said, love is blind.

Ica: You created quite the scary atmosphere and it had me feeling spooked out. Although I have to say, I thought Sandy was a girl. It was an awesome read and I do want to know what happens afterwards!

Angie: While I’m not a Whovian (I know, I know, I should start watching), I’m a fan of John Barrowman though and so I had a minor fanboy moment when I saw the name Harkness. It is scary to think that there are people who have been through something like this or something even worse when they are completely innocent. Have you read “I have no mouth and I must scream”? I must admit I haven’t but it is one of the codifiers for the trope that you used (where you are in isolation for so long that you start to lose yourself). It was a superb read!

Arun: A creepy story that gave me the shivers, a commentary about how “strong” we feel towards issues, and one being a social commentary on how people are biased towards other cultures (and how we think the world works). An interesting take on the prompt. Awesomeness!

[Garrison]

Deepak wrote: "Garrison: I haven’t played D&D but I am quite familiar with the setting. Marcia actually reminds me of one of the characters from Skyrim, for her over the top preaching. It was an enjoyable read!"

When it comes to high-octane fantasy and mystical forces, you and I speak the same language, Deepak. Thanks for the feedback! And I agree with your assessment of Marcia being an overbearing preacher. That's exactly what I was aiming for. :)

[Arun]

Deepak wrote: "Arun: A creepy story that gave me the shivers, a commentary about how “strong” we feel towards issues, and one being a social commentary on how people are biased towards other cultures (and how we think the world works). An interesting take on the prompt. Awesomeness!"

Thank you! :-)

[Zach]

Sneaking this in just under the wire, was on vacation but came back with a story! Feedback to come as soon as I have a chance to catch up.

Title: The Dragon
Word Count: 1134

I remember it was September. I could see through the window that we were approaching my stop. I read two more sentences, slipped a bookmark between the open pages, and packed the book into my satchel. With all the confidence of a regular commuter, I tugged on the yellow cord, stood up in the aisle, and moved towards the door.

As I stepped onto the curb, I took a deep breath. The smell of autumn washed over me. It was back-to-school and hayrides, it was new shoes and old friends. I started up the sidewalk with slow steps and raised eyes. The maple leaves were beginning to yellow, and the sun struck them at such an angle that they glowed. I glowed in response, beaming and carefree. Every year I fell for the colors, the crisp, the cozy. Someone had a fire going, and it made me all warm.

Halfway up the block I noticed a boy. He sat cross-legged on the edge of the sidewalk, his hands resting on his lap. Dark hair hung in his eyes but didn’t seem to get in the way; he stared at the house in front of him. It was a single story rambler with cheap vinyl siding and a half porch. A few dying flowers decorated the dirt patch beneath the windows, though they were mostly hidden by the grass and nettles.

Hearing my steps, the boy turned. For a few seconds he watched my progress. I gave him a quick nod and stopped to look at the house.

“Be careful,” the boy said, “there’s a dragon in there.”

I looked at his serious face and chuckled. “A dragon?” I said. “I didn’t know there were any left.”

The boy didn’t smile. He went back to his study of the house and started picking at pieces of grass. “Do you know about dragons?” he asked.

Had I been in a different mood I would’ve excused myself and continued on my way. But I was giddy with the season and willing to play along. I tried to recollect the stories and pictures, the dragons I grew up with.

“Let’s see now,” I began. “The first thing I know is that dragons fly. And when they aren’t flying, they sit on their piles of gold. They think gold thoughts and dream gold dreams. The have great fiery breath and tough scaly skin. You can’t get through it until you find the weakness. They always have a weakness.”

I was having fun now. “If I remember correctly, sometimes a dragon will capture a princess. And then a knight will come to her rescue, and if he can make it past the claws and the teeth and the fire, he can slay the dragon. Or he might end up a burnt pile of bones and metal.”

I grinned and waited for a response. The boy nodded but said nothing. He rested his chin in his hands and continued to watch the house.

A light came on in one of the front rooms, and I could see it was the kitchen. A man walked past the window to the refrigerator. He was a big man, over six feet tall. His belly hung over his belt, stretching the fabric of his shirt. He was well dressed but unkempt; even from the street I noticed the wrinkles in his clothes. A few days of stubble grew from his drooping cheeks and oversized neck.

He leaned heavily on the fridge with one hand and used the other to swing open the door. I could hear a rattle of glass through the open window. Barely looking, he grabbed a bottle and turned around, kicking the door shut. Another rattle. With a meaty hand he twisted the cap and threw it towards the sink. He lumbered from the room without turning off the light.

The boy was lying in the the tall grass, and I realized he had been this way since the man appeared. He was looking up at the sky. His arms stretched straight down the sides of his body, and I relived the awkwardness of youth. I was suddenly aware of my arms and legs and did not know what to do with them.

“Every Monday he gets on a plane,” the boy said quietly. “He goes all over by plane, across the whole country. He goes to New York and San Francisco and Denver and Washington and everywhere in between. He finds people who are struggling, and he buys them up. All day long he lies and he tells stories and makes people see things that aren’t really there. When he speaks, people are afraid. He growls and warns and speaks in riddles, but he is smart and cunning and they thank him. When he leaves, they all thank him.

He comes back on Friday, and he doesn’t leave the house. He sits all day in front of the computer and looks at numbers. The numbers hardly change, but he watches them carefully. Sometimes he growls, and then he grabs a drink and a cigarette and finds someone to to yell at. He spits and shouts and breathes out smoke and fumes. Then he watches the numbers and drinks and drinks.

There is a woman in the house, his wife. She was beautiful once. He doesn’t like having her around, and he doesn’t like when she leaves. He won’t let her buy new clothes. He wouldn’t buy himself new clothes if they didn’t impress and distract and disguise him so well. Sometimes he grabs her and yells and breathes out smoke and fumes.

He does nothing all weekend. He doesn’t mow or clean, he doesn’t build or travel. He comes in from flying and stares at his numbers. He does nothing and he feels nothing. He is thick and strong and feels nothing, except for one soft spot. All day he growls and he yells and he smokes, but he has one soft spot.”

The boy stopped talking and sat up. He looked up at me as he brushed the grass from his arms. “Be careful,” he said, and he walked up the sidewalk to the house.
Dark clouds covered the sun and I felt a chill. I watched the boy as he opened the door. I turned, and I ran. I wish I could say I was running for help, but I was running away. I was running away and I was scared and I didn’t know what was real.

I stopped when I heard a great roar. I turned around and saw an orange glow filling the sky in the direction from which I had come. I do not know if I saw this or dreamt this, but I remember it was September and there were flames in the sky.

[Garrison]

Zach, your story leaves me with quite a few questions, but that’s not a bad thing since ambiguity can actually be helpful to a narrative (like it was in yours). I wonder how this dragon man entered the boy’s life so easily if he was that frightening. I wonder what exactly those numbers on his computer screen represent. I wonder what this dragon man actually does for a living (from what I could glean, he’s either a storyteller or an extortionist). You don’t necessarily have to answer all of these questions for me, but if you decide to expand the story, you could answer them in the prose. Or maybe ambiguity really is the best friend of a writer and you cherish such friendship. Think about what I’ve said and know you’ve written a good one this week!

[Edward]

Zach wrote: "Sneaking this in just under the wire, was on vacation but came back with a story! Feedback to come as soon as I have a chance to catch up.

Title: The Dragon
Word Count: 1134

I remember it was Sep..."

Very clever story - I wish we knew if the man was really a dragon. Perhaps the little boy simply set fire to his house... only Zach knows for sure!

[Angie]

Deepak: I really loved the interplay between Charlie and Dilip, and felt that their characters complemented each other nicely. But I can't help but wonder why the Atlanteans went to the trouble of terraforming Mars if they were only sending the scum of the earth there? It seems like a waste of resources to me.

[Angie]

Arun: What stuck out the most about your entry this week is that your paradigm change was focused on your readers rather than your characters, and I thought that it was artfully done. The contrast between actions and professed beliefs was just right. Well done!

[Angie]

Mark: I enjoyed the tone of your story, with that meandering introspection. I had a bit of trouble following along, but that might just be because it's right before dinner and thinking about food...

[Angie]

Deepak wrote: "While I’m not a Whovian (I know, I know, I should start watching), I’m a fan of John Barrowman though and so I had a minor fanboy moment when I saw the name Harkness. It is scary to think that there are people who have been through something like this or something even worse when they are completely innocent. Have you read “I have no mouth and I must scream”? I must admit I haven’t but it is one of the codifiers for the trope that you used (where you are in isolation for so long that you start to lose yourself). It was a superb read!"

I don't begrudge you your fanboy moment at all :) I wrote the story and I still fangirled over the name. I'm on the last season of Torchwood on Netflix right now (it's probably a bad thing because I only started watching last week), which is why I ended up using so many of the Torchwood names this week. I've never read "I have no mouth and I must scream", but I might look it up now. Thank you for your thoughtful feedback :)

[Angie]

Zach: That was very well set-up! The ambiguity and the change of tone was incredibly effective. This might just be because I live in Phoenix, but I was entranced by your descriptions of autumn. Here in the desert, we don't have a real fall season. It doesn't really get cold enough for the leaves to change colors until around January and the weather starts heating up again after February. I could almost feel like I was standing with your narrator! Great job :)

[Arun]

Angie wrote: "Arun: What stuck out the most about your entry this week is that your paradigm change was focused on your readers rather than your characters, and I thought that it was artfully done. The contrast between actions and professed beliefs was just right. Well done!"

Thank you! :-)