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Always Tumbling Head Over Heels for Him
So... I feel like talking! Just a bunch of words that I'll look back on and probably won't make sense because my life is spiraling to hell while they all laugh. Most people I know: Want me dead.The rest don't care one way or another. As long as I shut up and I'm not part of their lives they don't care. It's kind of funny how it works. When I'm loud they tell me to shut up and when I'm quiet they ask what's wrong. They check wrists, but not thighs. They check smiles, but not eyes. They don't really care. No one does.
Except... Him. He's the only reason I hang on. Two years till things are "perfect." Maybe a little longer.. But still.
I know they won't really be perfect. There will be bad times. There always are. I would freak if there weren't. That's weird and abnormal and I don't like it.
He says he worries, but I just feel guilty about relapsing. I'm cutting again and addicted to the pills. He says he's not mad. He says we'll get through it.. but I know he feels he's not good enough.. But he is. He really is. I'm just not.
I keep acting like everything's fine.. but I'm consumed by guilt. I know he blames himself and the worst part is the guilt makes me want to do it again. I want to fix things by making them worse. I'm being self-destructive and he knows it. I'm scared to hurt him. Terrified to lose him.
The razors...THose little blades make me happy. In a form... I know they don't want me to. The people around me. Whether it's because that means they have to look at me or I become a burden I'll not know. I just know I disappoint them and I'm sorry. I'm sorry to everyone! All of the people who are bothered by my cuts! Because I'm a screw-up! OI ruin everything! And so... I'm. Sorry.
I had stopped for so long. I guess I was pretty proud. Too bad. It's too bad that I'm weak and it was so easy to throw me back. It was so easy to pick up the blade and drag it deep into my skin. And now I've relapsed. So.. too bad. I'm gonna draw blood. I just want to know someone cares. I just don't think they do.
The people can call me crazy. No one gets it. The triggers. The way my body needs it. Mum thinks I'm insane. They try to fix me. Like a broken piece of machinery. That's all they know how to handle. So I'm no longer human. I'm the messed up little tinker doll.
Except... Him. He's the only reason I hang on. Two years till things are "perfect." Maybe a little longer.. But still.
I know they won't really be perfect. There will be bad times. There always are. I would freak if there weren't. That's weird and abnormal and I don't like it.
He says he worries, but I just feel guilty about relapsing. I'm cutting again and addicted to the pills. He says he's not mad. He says we'll get through it.. but I know he feels he's not good enough.. But he is. He really is. I'm just not.
I keep acting like everything's fine.. but I'm consumed by guilt. I know he blames himself and the worst part is the guilt makes me want to do it again. I want to fix things by making them worse. I'm being self-destructive and he knows it. I'm scared to hurt him. Terrified to lose him.
The razors...THose little blades make me happy. In a form... I know they don't want me to. The people around me. Whether it's because that means they have to look at me or I become a burden I'll not know. I just know I disappoint them and I'm sorry. I'm sorry to everyone! All of the people who are bothered by my cuts! Because I'm a screw-up! OI ruin everything! And so... I'm. Sorry.
I had stopped for so long. I guess I was pretty proud. Too bad. It's too bad that I'm weak and it was so easy to throw me back. It was so easy to pick up the blade and drag it deep into my skin. And now I've relapsed. So.. too bad. I'm gonna draw blood. I just want to know someone cares. I just don't think they do.
The people can call me crazy. No one gets it. The triggers. The way my body needs it. Mum thinks I'm insane. They try to fix me. Like a broken piece of machinery. That's all they know how to handle. So I'm no longer human. I'm the messed up little tinker doll.
I'm in love with a messed up little tinker doll? Not a chance, love. You are human. And I do care. Forget about the family, the scars, and the pills, for just a moment. I love you. Always remember that. You won't hurt me. Promise. And I'll never leave. You won't lose me. Rawr.
We need to call in the morning. Even for just a little.... I'm so sorry I fell asleep... I barely gpt any the night before.... That's no excuse... I'm sorry I wasn't there... I could've tried and helped...
There's the awesome guy I mentioned ;) Thank you, babe. I know I scared you. Sorry... And I love you. And just... I never want to lose you. Rawr.
*holds super tight* as long as I don't lose you. Rawr. Then you'll never lose me.
*smiles and kisses your cheek* Then there's nothing to worry about.
Whys that?
Rain and mud,
Find your blades,
And draw some blood.
Pain inside,
Now made true,
There's nothing now,
Anyone can do.
Find your blades,
And draw some blood.
Pain inside,
Now made true,
There's nothing now,
Anyone can do.
1)Are you really ready for 111 questions?
Nope.
2) Was your last real relationship a mistake?
Last real relationship? The one I'm currently in I wouldn't say was a mistake at all. The one prior to this? Hell yeah it was a mistake.
4) Who did you last say “I love you” to?
My boyfriend, Shiv.
5) Do you regret it?
Not at all!
6) Have you ever been depressed?
*scoffs* Have you ever heard of a stupid question? Yes. Impossibly so.
7)Are you a boy or girl?
I am a girl.
9) What is your relationship status?
I have a super amazing boyfriend.
10) How do you want to die?
Dangerous question. Best left unanswered.
11) What did you last eat?
My sister's wedding cake from her failed marriage XD
12) Played any sports?
Basketball and soccer. Does dance count?
13) Do you bite your nails?
Rarely to never...
Nope.
2) Was your last real relationship a mistake?
Last real relationship? The one I'm currently in I wouldn't say was a mistake at all. The one prior to this? Hell yeah it was a mistake.
4) Who did you last say “I love you” to?
My boyfriend, Shiv.
5) Do you regret it?
Not at all!
6) Have you ever been depressed?
*scoffs* Have you ever heard of a stupid question? Yes. Impossibly so.
7)Are you a boy or girl?
I am a girl.
9) What is your relationship status?
I have a super amazing boyfriend.
10) How do you want to die?
Dangerous question. Best left unanswered.
11) What did you last eat?
My sister's wedding cake from her failed marriage XD
12) Played any sports?
Basketball and soccer. Does dance count?
13) Do you bite your nails?
Rarely to never...
ฬђคtєשєг{ђἔẏ ἷҭṩ ḋἔłἷłᾄђ} wrote: "Rain and mud,Find your blades,
And draw some blood.
Pain inside,
Now made true,
There's nothing now,
Anyone can do."
Did you, love?
No. I don't have anything to. And it's too probable to get caught now. Plus you kinda unknowingly talked me out of it.
Still... And yay...
Take take this gun,
End my mental fight,
Hide it from me,
Then lock us both up tight.
Me in rubber,
The weapon behind glass,
Everyone asks,
Which breath will be last.
But I'm not leaving,
Please don't fret,
You took my gun,
You don't regret.
Now take my blades,
All my drugs too,
I want an escape,
I'll find it through you.
They tell me to die,
You disagree,
You're the only reason,
There's still a me.
End my mental fight,
Hide it from me,
Then lock us both up tight.
Me in rubber,
The weapon behind glass,
Everyone asks,
Which breath will be last.
But I'm not leaving,
Please don't fret,
You took my gun,
You don't regret.
Now take my blades,
All my drugs too,
I want an escape,
I'll find it through you.
They tell me to die,
You disagree,
You're the only reason,
There's still a me.
Yay....
Good night, to my beautiful wife. That rhymes... Sorta... No it doesn't. XD
14) When was your last physical fight?
Haha. Depends on your definition of a physical fight. Got punched in the stomach at school, like... a month ago. Wait.... but I punched a guy in the nose a week ago...
15) Do you have an attitude?
Well duh! Everyone has an attitude about each thing? A better question is do I have a bad attitude in life? Yeeeessssss. I do.
16) Do you like someone?
Yup. I like a lot of people. They are likeable people. I dislike more people than I like.
17) What is your real name?
Kassi Jo *insert last name here*
19) Are you gonna get high later?
Eh... Probably not. Though I shoot up on heroine, like, hourly ;)
20) Do you hate anyone at the moment?
It takes a lot to develop my hatred. I can reach a high point of dislike, but yes, I do hate a select person...
21) Do you miss someone?
One fella, desperately. My uncle and my dad.. A few others.. So yeah.
22) Twirl or cut your spaghetti?
Cut.
23) Do you tan a lot?
I don't want to get old and look like an wrinkled leather couch!
24) Have any pets?
An evil little beast dog.
Haha. Depends on your definition of a physical fight. Got punched in the stomach at school, like... a month ago. Wait.... but I punched a guy in the nose a week ago...
15) Do you have an attitude?
Well duh! Everyone has an attitude about each thing? A better question is do I have a bad attitude in life? Yeeeessssss. I do.
16) Do you like someone?
Yup. I like a lot of people. They are likeable people. I dislike more people than I like.
17) What is your real name?
Kassi Jo *insert last name here*
19) Are you gonna get high later?
Eh... Probably not. Though I shoot up on heroine, like, hourly ;)
20) Do you hate anyone at the moment?
It takes a lot to develop my hatred. I can reach a high point of dislike, but yes, I do hate a select person...
21) Do you miss someone?
One fella, desperately. My uncle and my dad.. A few others.. So yeah.
22) Twirl or cut your spaghetti?
Cut.
23) Do you tan a lot?
I don't want to get old and look like an wrinkled leather couch!
24) Have any pets?
An evil little beast dog.
25) How exactly are you feeling?
With way too many emotions to describe? I just feel like I am a cup, filled to the brim, and I could overflow or fall over at any moment.
26) Ever eaten food in a car while someone or yourself is driving?
Yes. Both of the above.
27) Ever made out in the bathroom?
Totally. I do it all the time. (She says with extreme sarcasm)
28) Would you take any of your exes back?
FUCK NO!
29) Are you scared of spiders?
Meh. Not really. I'm used to them.
30) Would you go back in time if you were given the chance?
No. What happened has happened. It's shaped who I am and continues to do so. I wouldn't want to mess things up.
31) Do you regret anything from your past?
Tons of things.
32) What are your plans for this weekend?
Absolutely nothing.
33) Do you want to have kids?
Yes, I really would like that opportunity.
34) Did you ever kiss someone whose name starts with an M?
Does it have to be first name? Or in person? XD I've kissed someone whose last name starts with M through many means of communication, but not in person as I haven't been given that option quite yet.
35) Do you type fast?
I would say so...
With way too many emotions to describe? I just feel like I am a cup, filled to the brim, and I could overflow or fall over at any moment.
26) Ever eaten food in a car while someone or yourself is driving?
Yes. Both of the above.
27) Ever made out in the bathroom?
Totally. I do it all the time. (She says with extreme sarcasm)
28) Would you take any of your exes back?
FUCK NO!
29) Are you scared of spiders?
Meh. Not really. I'm used to them.
30) Would you go back in time if you were given the chance?
No. What happened has happened. It's shaped who I am and continues to do so. I wouldn't want to mess things up.
31) Do you regret anything from your past?
Tons of things.
32) What are your plans for this weekend?
Absolutely nothing.
33) Do you want to have kids?
Yes, I really would like that opportunity.
34) Did you ever kiss someone whose name starts with an M?
Does it have to be first name? Or in person? XD I've kissed someone whose last name starts with M through many means of communication, but not in person as I haven't been given that option quite yet.
35) Do you type fast?
I would say so...
36) Do you have piercings? How many?
Yep, I have them in both ears.
37) Want any more?
I want to get another in one of my ears.
38) Can you spell well?
Yep! W-E-L-L!!! Yay!!!
39) Do you miss anyone from your past?
Yeah, a very select few people.
40) What are you craving right now?
Him. Always him... And chocolate.. That sounds good too...
41) Ever been to a bonfire party?
Yes! They are so cool! I love the smell and stuffs.
43) Have you ever been on a horse?
Yes, and I'd like to try it again.
44) Kissed someone in a pick up truck?
CAN I??? Well... A specific someone...
45) Have you ever broken someone’s heart?
Well he SAYS I did. I don't think so. I can't break someone's heart :P
46) Have you ever been cheated on?
Eyup!!!!
Yep, I have them in both ears.
37) Want any more?
I want to get another in one of my ears.
38) Can you spell well?
Yep! W-E-L-L!!! Yay!!!
39) Do you miss anyone from your past?
Yeah, a very select few people.
40) What are you craving right now?
Him. Always him... And chocolate.. That sounds good too...
41) Ever been to a bonfire party?
Yes! They are so cool! I love the smell and stuffs.
43) Have you ever been on a horse?
Yes, and I'd like to try it again.
44) Kissed someone in a pick up truck?
CAN I??? Well... A specific someone...
45) Have you ever broken someone’s heart?
Well he SAYS I did. I don't think so. I can't break someone's heart :P
46) Have you ever been cheated on?
Eyup!!!!
47) Have you made a boyfriend/girlfriend cry?
Yeah. On more than one occasion...
49) Would you live with someone without marrying them?
Yes, I would. I actually have plans on it. As long as nothing bad occurs....
50) What should you be doing?
Packing to move.
51) What’s irritating you right now?
My futhermucking brother. He's so annoying!!
52) Have you ever liked someone so much that it hurts?
Like Love... His name is Shiv...
53) Does somebody love you?
His name is Shiv. He does love me...
54) What is your favorite colour?
Orange is a great colour!!
55) Have you ever changed clothes in a vehicle?
Yes! SO many times!!
57) Do you have trust issues?
Severe trust issues...
60. Do you have a good relationship with your parents?
Not. At. All...
Yeah. On more than one occasion...
49) Would you live with someone without marrying them?
Yes, I would. I actually have plans on it. As long as nothing bad occurs....
50) What should you be doing?
Packing to move.
51) What’s irritating you right now?
My futhermucking brother. He's so annoying!!
52) Have you ever liked someone so much that it hurts?
53) Does somebody love you?
His name is Shiv. He does love me...
54) What is your favorite colour?
Orange is a great colour!!
55) Have you ever changed clothes in a vehicle?
Yes! SO many times!!
57) Do you have trust issues?
Severe trust issues...
60. Do you have a good relationship with your parents?
Not. At. All...
And I la la la la love you! And still never gonna have a one night stand... XD
Good! Those are for prostitutes like Trey ;)
... XDI'll have a gazillion nights one though... With only one person... After marriage... And not all the time... XD
I should really stop putting 'after marriage' in every fuve minutes... XD
Haha!!! This conversation should be more private, babe! LOL
.... Right... XD
You have a dumb boyfriend. XD
*put your finger in my mouth and nods*
*laughs at my finger in your mouth* Haha. Wow...
*doesn't let go, licking it.*
62) Do you believe your most recent ex thinks about you?
Yeah, probably. Shiv, do you think Ryan thinks about me?
63) Who was the last person you cried in front of?
I think... I don't usually cry in front of people. So... myself.
64) Do you give out second chances too easily?
Nope. I forgive and walk away. So I don't give the second chance.
65) Is it easier to forgive or forget?
Forgive. I don't forget.
66) Is this year the best year of your life?
Yes. By far. Since... 3/22.
67) What was your child hood nickname?
Jojo
68) Have you ever walked outside completely naked?
Uh... *crickets chirping*
70) Do you believe everything happens for a reason?
Yes, for sure...
71) What is the last thing you did before you went to bed last night?
Cried and read...
Yeah, probably. Shiv, do you think Ryan thinks about me?
63) Who was the last person you cried in front of?
I think... I don't usually cry in front of people. So... myself.
64) Do you give out second chances too easily?
Nope. I forgive and walk away. So I don't give the second chance.
65) Is it easier to forgive or forget?
Forgive. I don't forget.
66) Is this year the best year of your life?
Yes. By far. Since... 3/22.
67) What was your child hood nickname?
Jojo
68) Have you ever walked outside completely naked?
Uh... *crickets chirping*
70) Do you believe everything happens for a reason?
Yes, for sure...
71) What is the last thing you did before you went to bed last night?
Cried and read...
.... I have so many problems... I keep forgetting... Sorry... XDDDD
I'm Whatever. Sometimes known as Kassi... Or Kass... Or Kassi Jo... Or a lot of other things. I'm not very exciting. I have a super amazing boyfriend who is crazy enough to stay with me. I met him on this site... Goodreads. I love him so much... We've been together since March 22, 2015.. but it feels way longer than that. If you're reading this, darling... rawr...
I have way too many emotions to control or understand. I kinda feel a thousand all at once. I can never choose between killing myself or killing everyone around me. Sometimes I'd like both. Someimes I just wan to sleep until my problems disappear. Other times and laugh too much and smile too wide. My masks. Rarely are they genuine... (view spoiler)[Except for when he's the one bringing them to my mouth (hide spoiler)]
If you want to know anything just ask. And... enjoy, I guess.