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A Pitch. Thoughts and help with writing the perfect Pitch.
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Magen
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Jan 03, 2013 08:45PM
Ok so I’m starting this thread as I’m having a hard time writing my own Pitch and I’m guessing—well hoping—I’m not the only one. This issue is weighing on me as I am planning to enter a book of mine into Amazons Breakthrough Novel Award 2013 (http://www.amazon.com/Breakthrough-No...) In order to make it through the first set of cuts you must have an amazing Pitch. You would think with being able to write a Novel a Pitch wouldn’t be so hard . . . well it is. So my hope for this thread is that if anyone else is having trouble with a pitch for this purpose or even for a pitch to an agent. We can hopefully post what we have and others can give us some feedback or simply post some thoughts on what makes a good pitch. Thanks!
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I've got some feedback, and keep in mind this is all just my opinion and it isn't worth a nickel. The teaser at the top is too stilted. I see what you're trying to do, but it doesn't seem to have the right rhythm. Also, I'm not sure if you should assume everyone knows what a Fae is. Tell me something else about them, example: "Light and Dark Fae, creatures with incredible magical powers, fight over her future."
Something about the sentence "successful twenty-nine..." feels cumbersome. Maybe if it was worded a little differently and edited up a bit? There are some punctuation errors in the meat of the blurb. For instance, in the sentence "after agreeing to a date with a handsome stranger (comma goes here!), Isabelle learns..." There's a run-on sentence at the end of the paragraph.
And for what it's worth, I don't know who the story is about. The blurb starts out telling me about Isabelle, and I think I'm going to read this story from her POV. Then at the end I'm told to follow Bain through this journey, so now I'm confused.
That said, it sounds like quite a thrilling story. Handsome playboys, magical beings, some guy named Bain...I can dig it. So please don't take my words as a criticism. Whoever is judging this competition may be very strict, and I'm just offering what I think after one quick read.
I'm not insulted at all that's why I put it on here and i agree that it is a little confusing as far as the POV it is narrated third person and the story is about Bain and Izzy and the next book will be about another Immortal Fae brother the series will move through each brother. I read some examples from previous winners and they basically said each main character should have a paragraph dedicated to them so I'm at a loss. I'm going to work on it and post a new Pitch later on probably tomorrow. Thanks for the advice!
I would also mention it's the first In a series and it sounds very much like Kresley Cole's Immortals After Dark series, which appeals to me as I love that series... See if that's something you should mention... Not sure
Thanks for all suggestions! Here's my final pitch :)A perfect night on the town turns out to be her worst nightmare. A date with a handsome man is the catalyst for events that she thought only happened in fairy tales. Thrust into a world of danger, Isabelle has no idea what is in store for her as the Light and Dark Fae fight over her future.
Isabelle Moreno is a young woman working her way through life, finding little time for love and adventure. Until she agrees to a date with a mysterious stranger, only to find out the secrets this man holds are something she could have lived her entire life without knowing. The Dark Fae Luck Eater has found something enticing in Isabelle’s humanity.
Bain is an arrogant playboy and an Immortal Light Fae Warrior. He and his four brothers fight for the safety of the human race while remaining something of myth. After weeks of tracking the Dark Fae Luck Eater, Bain comes across yet another victim, in Isabelle.
Bain has finally found his match in this feisty human as she fights against him and her ever growing attraction to the Immortal who is bound to protect her.
Hey, Magen!! Love it. But two tiny tweaks... I would suggest you change: in the second paragraph, change until to then. And in the paragraph second to last, remove the in and just put her name. Other than that, great!! An yeah, immortals after dark is a great series.
Magen, Your pitch sounds awesome. I was also thinking of entering my novel. Isn't it funny that after writing whole novels you can be brought to your knees by writing a couple of short lines. Yours definitly sounds like a winner. Best of luck!
S.L. wrote: "I would also mention it's the first In a series and it sounds very much like Kresley Cole's Immortals After Dark series, which appeals to me as I love that series... See if that's something you sho..."LOVE that series! I haven't got to read Shadow's Claim yet though :(
About the Pitch, why don't you go to Kresley Cole's website, read the pitches for that series, and just start over? Fresh, blank page.
http://kresleycole.com/books/immortal...
Thank you so much, I know like I said I never would have thought 200 little words would be my Achilles Heel lol best of luck to you. They've changed the contest this year and it sounds like its providing a lot more opportunities!
Ok so I just wanted to say again that I appreciate all the help. I'm loving what I have now, and for those of you are interested, I've already self-published this novel (Amazon allows you to enter previously SELF-PUBLISHED works ) here's the book link to amazon it's only available on the kindle right now ;)http://www.amazon.com/Immortal-Blood-...
