Authors Post Your First Page Here!

[[deleted user]]

I hope everyone is enjoying the holidays. Wishing you all the best for 2013!

Cheers
Diane

[Jennifer]

This is the first page of my historic novel,"Knight of the Purple Ribbon", set during the founding of New Bern, North Carolina in 1709.

Chapter One


Bern, Switzerland 1709




Christoph stood at the window of his favorite room high atop Worb Castle, in a turret where he used to play as a child. He looked out over the thriving city of Bern, trying to imagine what it must have looked like over 500 years before when his family settled on the banks of the Aare River in 1191 in the new capital of Switzerland. The original buildings were made of wood, but since the great fire in the early 15th century, all the houses were now made of stone, most of them looking remarkably similar to one another in their architecture.
His family had built this town. They had been among Bern’s most prominent citizens for generations; wealthy businessmen, war heroes, landowners, politicians. But what did Christoph have to offer beyond his charm, and fodder for the local gossips?

Knight of the Purple Ribbon: A Novel

[[deleted user]]

Hi jennifer,

Thanks for posting your first page here.

I like the last line, it makes me want to know why Chrisoph is fodder for the local gossips:). I get the impression he may be a rakish sort of charmer.

I think I'd like more detail about Bern - specific to Chrisoph maybe as he is looking out over the city, perhaps he takes in specific buildings that hold memories for him?

Specifics and uniqueness in description is what gives writing its colour - for instance, if Christoph were to pay particular attention to one building, perhaps there is a mark or a scrap where a horse drawn wagon ran into a corner? Or maybe Christoph, the 'bad boy' reminisces about leaning against one of the buildings after a night of drinking with his buddies...anything that gives a clear impression of the place and how people live in it.

I'd like to be able to see the city in my mind more clearly. Of course this is only a first page, and a short one at that. Perhaps you do that later in the book.

You have a line that ends '...most of them looking remarkably similar to one another in their architecture.' But I don't know what they look like. And I'd really like to.

This seems to me a unique setting and time and something I'd like to read more about.:)

Good job - best of luck with it!
Diane

[Jennifer]

Diane wrote: "Hi jennifer,

Thanks for posting your first page here.

I like the last line, it makes me want to know why Chrisoph is fodder for the local gossips:). I get the impression he may be a rakish sort ..."

Thanks for your comments, Diane. If you'd like to read more I've posted the first chapter on my author's page, http://www.goodreads.com/story/show/3...

[[deleted user]]

Hi, Jennifer.

Is there a way to write the scene so that it doesn't feel as if we're being given a lot of information? Can the character be doing something instead of reflecting? Something physical.

Larry

[[deleted user]]

That's a good point as well, Larry.

It's always better to have characters DOING something.

[Donna]

Rustin, I love love love your opening paragraph. Gave me goosebumps! I haven't made it that far down the list yet, but I had to stop and let you know.

[Essjay]

Donna wrote: "First page of Obsidian Souls, urban fantasy.

I’ve always liked plans, and I have one for every major event in my life. Sometimes, even for the inconsequential events as well. I’ve always thought ..."

I really enjoyed your first page, Donna! My favourite line definitely had to be "I hadn't known this one moment would derail my entire life." !
I also liked your reference to life being like dominoes that sometimes tumble down. I think your first page is really encouraging and would like to read more, you've definitely drawn the reader in with your character, and I'm intrigued by her! Congrats! I suppose in order to be effective I should leave constructive criticism...

I think one thing might be that your first paragraph, I love and it totally draws me in, however, I think the following paragraphs are the tiniest bit less effective, so you could maybe tweak them a little?

[Essjay]

First page of my new story which is currently not named! I only wrote it today, in around 15 minutes, so it's obviously rough and not defined enough, but any criticism will be much appreciated!
Thanks!


I awaken from a dense, dreamless sleep; The best kind, I think.

I pray often that each and every night will come and pass without trace of little Henry's screams, the screams that haunt my parent's dreams so. To whom I pray, I am not sure, though, I find myself willing to try anything, just to find release from this nightmare that has become my life.

The straw from the Palliasse I sleep on, whispers as I stir. Two years on and my feet still acknowledge the biting cold that before had been dulled by the warmth of Henry's slight body.

I compel myself to stand, my naked feet raw against the earth of the dirt floor. I take myself into the room opposite where I greet my parents.

"Guten Morgen Mama." She nods, gesturing for me to sit for breakfast. Father ignores me in the way he has come to do often, ever since Henry.

Before I can address him, the town bell chimes clearly. I release the bread roll I had previously grasped, and it drops to the floor, welcomed by a moment of deafening silence. Mama cries out loudly. She always does. Father runs to her, holding her in his broad arms. I want to embrace her, to tell her that everything is going to be all right.
I can't. It would just be adding insult to injury.
The chiming continues relentlessly, unaware of the distress it causes, the destruction it brings to a family.

Two chimes. Three chimes, Four.

In the end, eight chimes have passed. To a stranger, eight monotonous, insignificant chimes.
To a resident of Hamelin, eight tormenting ones.

Eight chimes, marking the disappearance of eight more children.

[Cynthia]

Essjay wrote: "First page of my new story which is currently not named! I only wrote it today, in around 15 minutes, so it's obviously rough and not defined enough, but any criticism will be much appreciated!
Th..."

Wow, I really liked this first page. It drew me in and made me want to know more about Henry and what is happening to the children.

only critisim is that you might want to check some punctuation etc ("Guten Morgen Mama." She nods, gesturing for me to sit for breakfast) if a character speaks you should say who said it. when I first read it I thought you switched from first person to third till I reread it and realized I said the words and mama nodded. Check your comma use as well. This is all minor stuff that is picked up with normal editing. The story itself sounds wonderful.

[Cynthia]

Donna wrote: "First page of Obsidian Souls, urban fantasy.

I’ve always liked plans, and I have one for every major event in my life. Sometimes, even for the inconsequential events as well. I’ve always thought ..."

I really liked the opening page. I am a planner myself and get really upset when things derail my carefully laid organization. So I can identify with the character. My only critism is that I would like to see a litte more description. You probably have that planned for after you enter the bar but I would like to see the main character. It helps me identify with them. Just my thoughts.

[[deleted user]]

Hi everyone. Glad to see people are active here and I hope everyone gets something from posting their first pages here.

Apologies I haven't been here as much as I would have liked. Life truly does get in the way of our best plans and intentions.

And, I don't know about you but it seems to me that all of the internet time checking Goodreads and blogging and FB and Hoot and Twitter and...well...doesn't it start to get in the way of actually WRITING?

Here's to 2013 and many new works!

Cheers
Diane

[Rustin]

Donna wrote: "Rustin, I love love love your opening paragraph. Gave me goosebumps! I haven't made it that far down the list yet, but I had to stop and let you know."

Thanks Donna. I'm glad you liked it.

[Natasha]

Lesbian Crushes at School: A Diary on Growing Up Gay in the Eighties


Tuesday 20th December 1983, Home
As this book is very personal, anyone intruding had better stop now.
I want to get this off my chest. Here goes:
At the beginning of the summer holidays I wrote, as usual, a list of things to do before going back to school, one of which was ‘try a fag.’ GOSH GASP.
One day at the ice rink I noticed a cigarette machine. SHOCK HORROR. Next visit to the ice rink I brought with me two fifty pence pieces. I gave Louise (my sister) the slip and bought a packet, then showed her in the cloakroom. She was quite amazed.
When we got home we went into the woods. I had the first puff.
“Can you see anything, Louise?”
“No. Try harder.”
I’ve bought a fag lighter too and lots of things Mum and Dad don’t know about, like deodorant, body spray, and a razor. And I drink rum and brandy from the larder. What a bad girl I am. I’m glad I got all that off my chest.


Saturday 14th April 1984, Girl Crusaders Camp, Canal cruise
The canal boat is lovely. Louise and I are sharing a cabin. In the evening we had a Bible class. Our cabin is messy already.


Sunday 15th April 1984, Girl Crusaders Camp, Canal cruise
We started out for church at 10am. It was a two hour walk. The service was totally boring. Even the leaders didn’t like it. Then the two mile walk back again.
Eight miles of cruising today and I got to steer. It was wonderful.


Monday 16th April 1984, Girl Crusaders Camp, Canal cruise
Spent most of the afternoon on my bunk bed reading Smash Hits and watching the scenery go by.
Bible study.