Emotional Intelligence
discussion
So far
date
newest »
newest »
I have just been reading the chapter The Family Crucible. How to raise a bully and ABUSE: the extinction of empathy.Finally, having come out of a toxic relationship that I was stuck in for five years.
I can recognise when someone else is in one too. Whether it is physical, verbal abuse or mental abuse you can always see who the dominant partner is. If the husband is the perpetrator the female always wears it. He will have anger problems stemming from childhood. It is a learned behaviour he would have learnt or seen in his upbringing. Recognisable instantly. If the couple have children it is noticeable in the children’s behaviour.
If the husband is henpecked, then it is the anger problem or learned behaviour of the wife, she will always be picking a fight.
She will have an issue stemming from whatever issues in her past. She will be either constantly putting him down, until she gets her own way (very manipulating) unrealistic expectations or even high expectations and very demanding. She will even try to sabotage the relationship, looking for a needle in a haystack, or making a mountain out of a molehill to end the relationship so she can move on to greener pastures or pursue a relationship with whoever she thinks is better. The husband will do everything in his power to make it work. He will not initiate a divorce.
A person doesn’t have to tell me that they’re in an abusive relationship. I will already
know that they are in one. The signs will be obvious. My radar will instantly tell me when I meet their partner. Another tell-tale sign is that those closest to you family and friends will not know. There are ten ways to find out whether someone you know is in a toxic relationship. I remember when I saw this programme on t.v that asked these ten questions I answered yes to 8 of the 10.
When I read these chapters it made me think of how I was in poor health. Another sign that you can tell whether a wife is beaten down stressed out etc. She can’t hide it. She will not have that glow anymore. Coz she will be on constant alert all the time. (Flight or fight response).
Now that I am free from the toxicity that used to be in my life. I am in much better health and learning about what healthy relationships look like and constantly on the path to self improvement. I have a much better flow. (From the book pages 90 and 91
“A composer describes those moments when his work is at its best:
You yourself are in an ecstatic state to such a point that you almost don’t exist. I’ve experienced this time and again. My hand seems devoid of myself, and I have nothing to do with what’s happening. I just sit there watching in a state of awe and wonderment. And it just flows out by itself.
His description is remarkably similar to those of hundreds of diverse men and women – rock climbers, chess champions, surgeons, basketball players, engineers, managers, even filing clerks – when they tell of a time they outdid themselves in some favoured activity. The state they describe is called “flow” by Mihaly Czikszentmihalyi, the University of Chicago psychologist who has collected such accounts of peak performance during two decades of research. Athletes know this state of grace as “the zone”, where excellence becomes effortless, crowd and competitors disappearing into a blissful steady absorption in themoment. Being able to enter flow is emotional intelligence at its best; flow represents perhaps the ultimate in harnessing the emotions in the service of performance and learning. In flow the emotions are not just contained and channelled, but positive, energize, and aligned with the task at hand. To be caught in the ennui (boredom) of depression or the agitation of anxiety is to be barred from flow. Yet flow (or a milder microflow) is an experience lmost everyone enters from time to time, particularly when performing at their peak or stretching beyond their former limits"
Emotional IntelligenceWhen I was reading this book I thought about three main things. The first was that there was so much information in a single page that it was hard to read large amounts of it at a time. The second is the biological aspects of our emotions. And the third was that the information in this book was really just explaining things that people can feel but never really put into coherent thoughts.
That’s what I found the most interesting about this book. Very often when people do something they can’t explain or make a decision their reason is “I just had a feeling.” And this book really gets into how, if people are emotionally intelligent they’d be able to recognize the feeling they had, why they had that feeling, and assess if it is how they want to make their decision.
One part I found particularly interesting was the emotional hijacking. This is because it was brought up throughout the book again and again. I found it interesting how it is possible to rationally explain our irrational behaviors; I also found some humor in it. Besides that, I think that it is good to be knowledgeable about things such as emotional hijacking. Being knowledgeable about that, as well as general emotional intelligence, makes it much more possible to be able to overcome or prevent emotional hijackings. I think that Daniel Goleman did a very good job with explaining this aspect emotional intelligence, thus enabling it to be understood in fairly simple terms.
Another aspect that I found had this same quality was the part(s) about empathy. I found empathy very interesting because that tied into general emotional intelligence in every single way. Whilst emotional hijacking could occur in each aspect of emotional intelligence, empathy was a part of each aspect of emotional intelligence. It was a stepping-stone to greater emotional intelligence. To me it seemed that the author was expressing that without the ability to empathize a person will never be able to fully be emotionally intelligent. I also found it interesting that the ability to empathize increased a person’s emotional intelligence in the aspects of understanding others emotions, and understanding their own emotions. Once a person could, very basically, understand their own emotions, they could, very basically, empathize. Which led to an increased ability in their own emotions, which led to an increased ability to empathize. Each ability increased off the other.
The final part that I found exceptionally interesting was the final part of the novel, Emotional Literacy. I found learning about how it was possible for schools to teach emotional intelligence very useful for bringing together all the information on the aspects of emotional intelligence. I also find it interesting that very few schools have classes to increase a child’s or young adult’s emotional intelligence. However, I think that it is almost a self-fulfilling prophecy. Poorer schools are usually in areas with higher crime rates. They don’t want to the kids to turn to crime but they don’t have the money to teach them the emotional intelligence that would help them get higher jobs or jobs that would enable them to move away from the impoverished area. Therefore they don’t/can’t teach them these skills and therefore the kids end up turning to crime for money or out of lack of emotional intelligence.
The last thing I would like to say about this book was that, even though there was so much information, the author was did a very good job of keeping it in simple terms. Also, it was helpful that he explained both the biological aspect as well as the emotional aspect of emotional intelligence. Overall, he educated people on a complex aspect intelligence in a way that made it interesting, detailed, and understandable.
-Hunter A. Fenn
Emotional Intelligence was jam-packed full of stories, statistics, and supporting evidence for Goleman’s main idea: why emotional intelligence can matter more than IQ in many ways. From a scientific standpoint, this was very positive because it made the book reliable by showing how the author did not just come up with these notions on a whim. From the average reader’s view, I think that sometimes this hindered the book because it was very dense and the detailed information about the mechanics of the brain was very intense at times. Overall though, I think that Goleman successfully presented his ideas in a very supported way and the stories he augmented the data with definitely helped engage the reader. One specific thing I think Goleman did well was emphasize the importance of these findings in today’s day and age. In the preface, he talks about how a massive survey “shows a worldwide trend for the present generation of children to be more troubled emotionally than the last: more lonely and depressed, more angry and unruly, more nervous and prone to worry, more impulsive and aggressive.” (Goleman xiv) Later on in the book, Goleman talks about the most common cause of disability among teenagers is mental illness, and the frequency of depression and eating disorders for girls in particular have increased dramatically in recent years. (Goleman 266) This data alone justifies the entire book in my opinion because it is at this time that the information is needed more than ever. This also brought me to the question of why this generation of children has these issues on such a widespread scale.
I found it interesting that Goleman spent a large portion of his book talking about the fundamental years of childhood and how many of these issues spring from this period. In chapter 10, Managing with Heart, he proposes that “prejudices are a kind of emotional learning that occurs early in life, making these reactions especially hard to eradicate entirely even in people who as adults feel it is wrong to hold them.” (Goleman 179) I found this idea extremely shocking as well as disheartening in some ways because there are many areas in the world where underlying prejudices still exist to a certain degree, and the fact that these are ingrained in a person’s head before they are even aware means that they may be stuck with a lifetime of holding this prejudice in their beliefs. I think there are also prejudices of the not-so-obvious kind, such as prejudices against overweight or ‘ugly’ people and prejudices against poor people, which pose major problems as well.
Goleman talks a bit about a school program that has been started where lessons and Life Skills classes are incorporated into the curriculum to teach kids how to manage their feelings and relationships in a way that promotes emotional intelligence. When I was reading this, my first thought was that I wished every school would do this because it would benefit all kids, not just those with emotional intelligence troubles, as these are skills that need to be developed and worked on over time. The fact that they start these lessons from the youngest grades and continue throughout the elementary, middle, and high school years is incredibly important as well because it means that the kids start with a strong emotional foundation and are able to build on that throughout the most crucial developmental years of their lives. After reading this book, I understand why there are so many adults that have issues emotionally because most people don’t have access to resources such as these and are simply expected to develop emotional skills on their own. The lucky ones have loving and caring families that can support them in this, but the sad reality is that many do not and therefore it’s a vicious cycle: the parents have emotional issues and project those onto their kids, who in turn do not fully develop proper emotional intelligence, and then they grow up to have emotional issues of their own, and so on.
Another point I found very interesting was the link between emotions and health. Before reading this, I’d heard about ideas that happier people just don’t get sick as often and I also knew and experienced first-hand the links between stress and sickness, but I had no idea the extent to which this has been seen. In the last paragraph of Chapter 11, Mind and Medicine, Goleman talks about how medical care generally neglects “how people feel as they battle a chronic or severe disease.” (Goleman 212) This reminded me of a fictional book I just finished reading called If I Stay, by Gayle Forman. The basic plot of the book is that a girl gets into a car crash and is in a coma for several days, during which she has an out-of-body experience where she can see and hear everything that’s going on. She discovers that she has a choice to make, to stay or die, and in the end it is the emotions she experiences when her family and friends come and talk to her while she is in the coma that convince her to stay, even though the rest of her immediate family has died in the car crash. While this is only fiction, I think there is a strong connection with what Goleman says about the importance of being emotionally healthy in order to be physically healthy.
On the whole, I found this book very interesting from an intellectual and emotional standpoint, and I think Goleman makes a very good argument for the importance of emotional intelligence. It is my hope that more schools will realize the importance of these skills and incorporate them into their programs as the New Haven school did. Hopefully then, we can start solving the problem of increasing emotional issues in our youth and adults.
-Hannah Lavender
Emotional Intelligence is a shout out to society against the trend towards a “robotic,” emotionless, intellectually-centered lifestyle. It actually makes me wonder why is it that we are a lot more emotionally unstable now than in other times. Nevertheless, this book seeks to remind us of the importance and innateness of our emotions and how they make us the human beings that we are. It reconciles us with the most terrifying of emotions by allowing us to understand them first. Just like being able to run cannot happen without first having learned to walk, Goleman truly searches to underline the fact that without first controlling one’s emotions one cannot expect intellectual success or success in life itself for that matter. I have to say, initially I found this book difficult to keep up with because of the incredible amounts of neurological information, but with time I found it easier because it all began to make sense as one fact lead to another. Besides, having a lot of scientific support through his quotations of famous psychologists and studies makes the information credible. However, I found that generally all the referenced studies always presented their conclusions as ultimate proofs for what was being discussed, but none of the studies were fully evaluated as to their limitations, ethics, and reliability.
Being interested in pursuing psychology as a career, I found this book incredibly insightful into human behaviour because it really shows how emotional imbalances are at the core of most unhappiness. Simple emotional imbalances can cost a person their relationships, health, and even life. I, myself, have experienced sicknesses due to severe stress, and although I had heard that emotions can alter one’s health, I was finally able to understand why and how to control it. Hijackings are another example of the amount of power emotions can have over our reason and life. Therefore, emotions are not to be ignored and less not be taken seriously because they control more of our lives than most of us think.
I was able to identify through this book many of the emotions I constantly experienced or have seen others go through, but that I was unable to explain for lack of words. In fact, I realized that language is too limited to encompass in words the complexity of emotions, yet this book manages to describe each emotion through explicit analysis. It also breaks through our perceptive blindness of our emotions by analyzing every emotion and breaking all the bias. I find that although the book seeks to urgently warn society on our emotionally-flawed lifestyles, it does not leave the reader feeling hopeless for the future, but rather portrays parenting and child-rearing as the source for a better life. It is sad to think that emotionally imbalanced parents will come to rear emotionally imbalanced children who will pass their emotional attributes to their children. Therefore, education is the saviour to a perpetual cycle of emotional imbalances. Unfortunately, I find that most education now a day revolves merely around competition and the bombardment of information, but not many take time to ensure that the students are emotionally apt to learn. This book has shown that intellectual schooling is in vain when emotions are ignored. That’s why I agree that all schools should also be a guide to emotions, especially in places with most emotional upsets such as public schools that have been the chosen location for many crimes by kids. Education is known to be every person’s foundation for the future. Ultimately through an actual well-rounded education the student will be able to reach flow in whatever they set their mind to from good speeches to a successful career. Only then will society reach its full potential and the world will become a better place.
Therefore, I think this book has seriously marked me by giving me valuable lessons that I could apply in my future. I find that I am no longer blind to the effects of emotion. I understand my emotions and by doing so, I find that I understand myself even better.
- Gabriela Gross
Baker wrote: "I have just been reading the chapter The Family Crucible. How to raise a bully and ABUSE: the extinction of empathy.Finally, having come out of a toxic relationship that I was stuck in for five ye..."
Another great book on bullying is "The Bully, the Bullied, and the Bystander."
Agreed on The Bully, the Bullied, and the Bystander.I wonder if Daniel Goleman is coming forward more about developing an emotional intelligence curriculum for schools in light of the recent school shooting.
The sequel, "Working with Emotional Intelligence," is also a good book, albeit a much slower/more academic type of read than the original is.
As the old saying has it "One Man's Heaven is another Man's Hell" or for some people the only life style they have ever known, the only one they want to know!
What does the latest research show in support of his theses? I remember reading this book front to back in 94 or 95 or so? Anyways, as an educator, has all of this been supported in the last twenty years or so?
I started reading this book several years ago, but for some reason that I can't remember, I stopped. I think I got really busy with kids, work, etc. But it's interesting reading your posts! I also read and used before mentioned book with my kids: Transactional Analysis. I loved it!Transactional Analysis in Psychotherapy
I think this is a good, practical theory for emotional control and well being. However I suspect Mr. Goleman is not saying not much new about the subject. I believe he draws from centuries of philosophy and wisdom through the ages about mental well being from different traditions. Mr Goleman displays a preference for Buddism.
I think the merit of Mr. Goleman is to summarize, translate to modern language and re-package trafitional knowledge about emotional and mental well being. Then sell it in a synthetic and coherent form to the modern masses.
Very good work indeed.
One measure of a good book is how often it comes up in conversation and provides insight. By that measure, Golemans book, Emotional Intelligence, is a gem.At one point in internship as a chaplain, I met a young woman in her thirties who suffered a stroke. Her speech was slurred and her left arm was limp. An aunt paced the room unimpressed as the woman gave passionate testimony on how God had called her into ministry. Soon, her mother arrived and I gave up a chair on the patient's right side to take one on her left. From my new vantage point, I noticed needle marks up and down her left arm. As we moved to prayer, each prayer request was followed by a 15-minute sermon from the mother. At this point, clues as to her drug addiction and stroke became clear, albeit never verbally articulated
Read the rest of my review at: Goleman: Emotional Intelligence Brings Light (http://wp.me/p3Xeut-mf).
Know Thyself:
A belligerent samurai, an old Japanese tale goes, once challenged a Zen master to explain the concept of heaven and hell. The monk replied with scorn, "You're nothing but a lout - I can't waste my time with the likes of you!"
His very honor attacked, the samurai flew into a rage and, pulling his sword from its scabbard, yelled "Icould kill you for your impertinence."
"That," the monk calmly replied, "is hell."
Startled at seeing the truth in what the master pointed out about the fury that had him in its grip, the samurai calmed down, sheathed his sword, and bowed, thanking the monk for the insight.
"And that,"said the monk "is heaven."
The sudden awakening of the samurai to his own agitated state illustrates the crucial difference between being caught up in a feeling and becoming aware that you are being sept away by it. Socrates's injunction "Know thyself" speaks to the keystone of emotional intelligence: awareness of one's own feelings as they occur.
It might seem at first glance that our feelings are obvious, more thoughtful reflection reminds us of times we have been all too oblivious to what we really felt about something, or awoke to these feelings late in the game. Psychologists use the rather ponderous term metacognition to refer to an awareness of thought process, and metamood to mean awareness of one's own emotions. I prefer the term self awareness, in the sense of an ongoing attention to one's internal states. In this self-reflexive awareness mind observes and investigates experience itself, including the emotions.
This quality of awareness is akin to what Freud described as an "evenly hovering attention," and which he commended to those who would do psychoanalysis. Such attention takes in whatever passes through awareness with impartiality, as an interested yet unreactive witness. Some psychoanalysts call it the "observing ego," the capacity of self awareness that allows the analyst to monitor his own reactions to what the patient is saying, and which the process of free association nutures in the patient...
My own thoughts Mental, Spiritual,Physical and Emotional balance helps one towards peace and harmony. These fundamentals also require financial intelligence and the art of setting and achieving goals.