Tonya Kappes > Tonya's Quotes

“Darla never kept any keepsakes. She said that the memories I needed to keep were the ones in my head.”
― Tonya Kappes, A Charming Cure

“A man without conscience is but a poor creature...”
― James Fenimore Cooper, Pathfinder; or, the inland sea

“There are too many books I haven’t read, too many places I haven’t seen, too many memories I haven’t kept long enough.”
― Irwin Shaw

“Jephus Hardy?"
Stunned. My jaw dropped when I saw Cephus Hardy walk up to me in the magazine aisle of Artie's Meat and Deli. I was admiring the cover of Cock and Feathers, where my last client at Eternal Slumber Funeral Home, Chicken Teater, graced the cover with his prize Orloff Hen, Lady Cluckington.”
― Tonya Kappes, A Ghostly Demise

“I'll be glad when this election is over!" Mary Anna yelled out the window of her car. She pulled the silver convertible classic Mercedes into the driveway of Eternal Slumber. "I was mobbed by O'Dell's sister and my momma this morning before I even had my boobs tucked in.”
― Tonya Kappes, A Ghostly Demise

“There were two things Southerners hated to see knocking on their door. Jehovah Witnesses, because the majority of us were Baptist, and the undertaker. It was understandable that when Terk Rhinehammer opened the door, his face turned white as all the blood was drained from it after he looked past me and saw my hearse.
"What's wrong?" He used his hands to pat down his chest. "I'm not dead, am I?”
― Tonya Kappes, A Ghostly Demise

“Teddy did a muscle pose with his arms before he did the whole bouncing pectoral move with his boobs. "I'm a wrestling champ. International."
It was hard for me not to stare at each boob taking its turn bouncing up and down.
"Oh." My brows lifted along with my mouth. "Impressive.”
― Tonya Kappes, A Ghostly Demise

“How do you know about Leotta?"
It wasn't like I could tell him that Cephus Hardy was dead and right there about to give him the smackdown, nor could I tell him that I had seen his old Buick parked in front of Higher Ground when I acted like I had no idea he had a car and offered him a ride.
"Isn't she still married to Cephus Hardy?" My eyes zeroed in on his facial expression.
Cephus jumped around me and grabbed Terk by the neck. "Yeah, you sonofabitch!"
"Stop!" I yelled, but it was too late.”
― Tonya Kappes, A Ghostly Demise

“I won't tell if you don't." I winked.
Granny laughed.
In the South, a wink speaks louder than words.”
― Tonya Kappes, A Ghostly Demise

“Southern Hospitality with a Smidgen of Homicide

It creams my corn to think I've been accused of murder. ​​​​​​

I'm a handyman in the Daniel Boone National Park. My main employer is Mae West at the Happy Trails Campground.
When I got a phone call to take down some trees on this guy's property for a side hustle, I jumped at the change. That's one of the biggest money making jobs around these parts.
Unfortunately I got hauled off to jail after I was accused of being part of an illegal logging crew. Simple enough, I gave Sheriff Hank Sharp the name of the man who hired me, only he was found murdered by one of my tools.
Not only am I accused of illegal logging, now I'm the number one suspect in this man's murder.
It just creams my corn to be accused of murder.
There's only one person I trust to get me out of this mess and that's Maybelline West.
I'm sure she, along with her nosy friends, the Laundry Club Ladies, will snoop around to help clear my name.”
― Tonya Kappes