Lee Goldberg > Lee's Quotes

“Numbers are a lot like people. They each have a story. They interact with one another. They entertain. They inform. They deceive. They can create happiness or inflict enormous pain. You have to know how to get them to talk.”
― Lee Goldberg, Mr. Monk in Outer Space

“It's a tough job being somebody's personal assistant. You have to anwser their phone, manage their correspondence, run their errands, pay their bills, arrange their schedule, and basically do whatever tasks, menial to major, they are too busy or self absorbed or distracted or pampered or disinterested to do themselves.”
― Lee Goldberg, Mr. Monk Goes to Germany

“Kate prefers a loaded gun next to her bed."

"Is that all?" Jake asked Kate. "Where's your hand grenade?"

"I don't have a hand grenade."

"What happened to the one I gave you for Christmas?"

"I forgot about that," she said. "I guess it's around the apartment somewhere."

"You lost a hand grenade in your apartment?" Nick said. "Next time I visit I'll be more careful.”
― Janet Evanovich, The Job

“That's disappointing," Nick said. "I was hoping to see you in action again. It's kind of sexy in a violent, perverted sort of way."

"Gosh, knowing that makes my day complete."

"I thought you'd want me to be open about my feelings now that we're married.”
― Janet Evanovich, The Job

“I had to stop him from arresting an old lady who let her dog urinate against the fire hydrant that was in front of Burgerville headquarters.
"You'll blow our cover."
"But what if there is a fire?"
"The fire department will come and put it out," I said.
"With what?"
"Water," I said.
"Not from that hydrant," Monk said. "It's inoperable."
"No, it's not," I said. "It can still be used."
"There is urine all over it," Monk said. "no fireman would dare touch it, nor would any other human being."
"Firefighters run into burning buildings," I said."They aren't going to care about some dog pee on a fire hydrant."
"They would if they knew," Monk said. "We should call and warn them. Call Joe right now. He can get the word out faster than we can."
"Every fire hydrant in the city has dog pee on it, Mr. Monk. It's how dogs mark their territory. I can guarantee you that every male dog that has passed that hydrant has pissed on it."
He looked at me, wide eyed, "No."
"It's what dogs do," I said. "The firefighters knows this."
Monk swallowed hard. "And they still use the hydrants?"
"Of course they do."
"They are the bravest men on earth," Monk said solemnly.”
― Lee Goldberg, Mr. Monk in Outer Space

“Happiness is an illusion, Natalie. It doesn't actually exist."

"Of course it does," I said. "It's what you feel when you're not sad."

"That's unconsciousness. And I'm pretty sure that I'm miserable when I am unconscious, too.”
― Lee Goldberg, Mr. Monk on the Couch

“Of course, that rationalization didn't work at all. It would have helped if I'd had some Oreo cookie ice cream to eat at the same time. I've learned that self-delusion is much easier when there's something sweet in your mouth.”
― Lee Goldberg, Mr. Monk on the Couch

“I had to wonder, though, if there's something about a murderer, particularly a confident one, that gives him a certain charisma or charm that I, in particular, am susceptible to.
I mean, there's a reason more women are attracted to Dracula than repelled by him.
I made a resolution to myself. From now on, I'd assume that every man I was attracted to was a murderer until proven otherwise.
Perhaps it wasn't the most promising strategy for starting a relationship, but I might live longer.”
― Lee Goldberg, Mr. Monk on the Couch

“All Julie has to do is explain to her friends that she's using it to individually seal each item that she throws out."
"Then they'd think she was a geek," I said.
"She will thank me later," Monk said.
"Why would she thank you for being considered a geek?"
"Don't you know anything about teenage life?" Monk said. "It's a badge of respect."
"It is?"
"I was one," he said.
"You don't say."
"A very special one. I was crowned King of the Geeks, not once, but every single year of high school," Monk said. "It's a record that remains unbroken in my school to this day."
"Were there a lot of students who wanted to be King of the Geeks?"
"It's like being homecoming king, only better. You don't have to go to any dances," Monk said. "You aren't even invited.”
― Lee Goldberg, Mr. Monk and the Dirty Cop

“They were all puppets, animated by the properties, responsibilities, and relationships they were tied to,”
― Lee Goldberg, The Walk

“You’re owed a refund on your manhood.”
― Lee Goldberg, The Walk

“Julie nearly fainted when I showed up at home that night with the new Lexus. The first thing she wanted to do was drive it. I let her drive all over San Francisco with the windows rolled up, because we didn’t want to lose one precious whiff of that new-car smell.”
― Lee Goldberg, Mr. Monk and the Dirty Cop

“They could be mistaken for a father and daughter who liked to carry Glocks.”
― Lee Goldberg, Lost Hills