Susan > Susan's Quotes

“Recovering from family scapegoating requires recognizing that being the ‘identified patient’ is symptomatic of generations of systemic dysfunction within one’s family, fueled by unrecognized anxiety and even trauma. In a certain sense, members of a dysfunctional family are participating in a ‘consensual trance‘, i.e., a ‘survival trance’ supported by false narratives, toxic shame, anxiety, and egoic defense mechanisms, such as denial and projection.”
― Rebecca C. Mandeville, Rejected, Shamed, and Blamed: Understanding Family Scapegoating Abuse

“A family scapegoat is burdened with criticism, toxic shame, and blame for something they have not done. The wrongdoings of others are projected onto them. You were a convenient receptacle for your insecure family members who were incapable or unwilling to take responsibility for their own actions, words, and behaviors.”
― Dana Arcuri, Certified Trauma Recovery Coach, Soul Rescue: How to Break Free From Narcissistic Abuse & Heal Trauma

“As painful as it is to be scapegoated by your family, you might be surprised to learn that there are positive, empowering aspects associated with the ‘scapegoat’ role, as described in the original biblical
story of the ‘scapegoat ritual of atonement.’ It may be that certain qualities you possess, such as intuition, empathy, and compassion, led to your becoming the target of family scapegoating abuse, as
paradoxical and confusing as this may initially seem.”
― Rebecca C. Mandeville, Rejected, Shamed, and Blamed: Help and Hope for Adults in the Family Scapegoat Role

“Adult survivors of family scapegoating abuse have historically been diagnosed with one or more mental health conditions that ignore the trauma symptoms they are regularly experiencing. Rarely will their most distressing symptoms be recognized as Complex post-traumatic stress disorder (C-PTSD) secondary to growing up in an unstable, non-nurturing, dangerous, rejecting, or abusive family environment.”
― Rebecca C. Mandeville, Rejected, Shamed, and Blamed: Help and Hope for Adults in the Family Scapegoat Role

“While disagreements and interpersonal conflicts are common in even the healthiest of family systems, family scapegoating goes far beyond this, making recovering from its impact and effects difficult. For example, more than half of those who responded to an FSA survey I conducted have been described as
“mentally ill”; “emotionally sick,” or “a liar” by a parent or other relative when there was absolutely no truth to this whatsoever. Naturally, being spoken about in this way can be confusing, angering, and even traumatizing to the target of such hostile
and defamatory statements.”
― Rebecca C. Mandeville, Rejected, Shamed, and Blamed: Help and Hope for Adults in the Family Scapegoat Role

“Imagination is absolutely critical to the quality of our lives. Our imagination enables us to leave our routine everyday existence by fantasizing about travel, food, sex, falling in love, or having the last word—all the things that make life interesting. Imagination gives us the opportunity to envision new possibilities—it is an essential launchpad for making our hopes come true. It fires our creativity, relieves our boredom, alleviates our pain, enhances our pleasure, and enriches our most intimate relationships.”
― Bessel A. van der Kolk, The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma

“One thing is certain: Yelling at someone who is already out of control can only lead to further dysregulation. Just as your dog cowers if you shout and wags his tail when you speak in a high singsong, we humans respond to harsh voices with fear, anger, or shutdown and to playful tones by opening up and relaxing. We simply cannot help but respond to these indicators of safety or danger.”
― Bessel A. van der Kolk, The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma

“In addition to beginning and maintaining relationships, many women have let established relationships slip away. Small occasions and important events with other people are missed: there are an increasing number of missed thank-you notes, missed birthdays, or invitations that are not reciprocated. The connections just aren’t kept up, and eventually they’re gone. They then anticipate scolding, rejection, or negative reactions when they think about trying to reconnect or rectify a situation, so they tend to avoid them altogether. While this may be true for everyone to some extent, women with AD/HD with particular histories or wounds are especially sensitive to and avoidant of this kind of potentially critical feedback further increasing the negative cycle.”
― Sari Solden, MS, Women With Attention Deficit Disorder: Embrace Your Differences and Transform Your Life

“The reason that common AD/HD strategies alone don’t always work is because they usually focus on merely controlling the negative and difficult part of the AD/HD. You want to focus on supporting the new growth, not just taking care of the difficulties. As you grow and become more and more successful, you’ll constantly think of new ways to form cushions of support and structure underneath you. The emphasis should be on nourishing your successes, not just managing your deficits.”
― Sari Solden, MS, Women With Attention Deficit Disorder: Embrace Your Differences and Transform Your Life

“If you go to an event, give yourself permission to leave early when you’re worn down, knowing that you want to go and connect to people, but that you want to leave before you stop enjoying the situation. Set it up and think it through in advance so you don’t feel anxious. Plan for your AD/HD.”
― Sari Solden, MS, Women With Attention Deficit Disorder: Embrace Your Differences and Transform Your Life

“This feeling of not having control, even when one has a strong motivation or desire, is a strong contributor to depressed feelings.”
― Sari Solden, MS, Women With Attention Deficit Disorder: Embrace Your Differences and Transform Your Life

“When the snow lifted and I was able to get my medication, I felt like the tin man in the Wizard of Oz in need of oil to begin moving again. Then as I began to write, my mind was much more fluid. I had the cognitive fuel to function. My brain was the same brain it was the day before, I had the same interest, motivation, ideas, and abilities, but without the medication, I just didn’t have the fuel to access those parts of me and use them. Even a luxury car like a Rolls Royce isn’t going anywhere without fuel. In the same way, medication for individuals with AD/HD is often the fuel that allows the brain to function smoothly and work to its potential.”
― Sari Solden, Women With Attention Deficit Disorder: Embrace Your Differences and Transform Your Life

“Women with AD/HD often move away from relationships in the initial stages of forming friendships because of their difficulty in making small talk or difficulty with finding the words that they want to say when they want to say them. Sometimes it is as difficult to find the words in your messy mind as it is to find a paper on your messy desk. Kate Kelly and Peggy Ramundo (1995, pg. 66) call this a “reaction time irregularity” They go on to point out that a person with this difficulty might look rude or disinterested when they actually may be having “trouble retrieving things from memory in a demand situation”.”
― Sari Solden, MS, Women With Attention Deficit Disorder: Embrace Your Differences and Transform Your Life

“Relationships simply bring too many things to do and to consider, adding to stress and feelings of being overwhelmed. Women feel, at some level, that developing more relationships or even a few relationships to a deeper point will put them over the top.”
― Sari Solden, MS, Women With Attention Deficit Disorder: Embrace Your Differences and Transform Your Life

“After a woman understands that she does have something called AD/HD and has had it for a long time, she begins to look back and see how deeply it has affected every area of her life. At this point she will often move into the next stage—anger. She often feels anger at lost opportunities, looking back at the paths that she didn’t take. She focuses on the point at which things started to go off course and begins to feel anger at a system that let her down as a child.”
― Sari Solden, MS, Women With Attention Deficit Disorder: Embrace Your Differences and Transform Your Life

“The irony is that the more they achieve and the better they do, the less people are inclined to believe them, and the more they feel forced to then stay in the closet.”
― Sari Solden, Women With Attention Deficit Disorder: Embrace Your Differences and Transform Your Life

“Women with AD/HD want to connect but because of their difficulties with executive functioning, they often develop emotional barriers. The combination of cognitive struggles and emotional barriers or the intersection of these makes them avoid relationships even more which decreases the likelihood of starting or maintaining relationships or of reconnecting after a break in the connection. Many fears, negative expectations, and much pain surround these areas. They key for these women to take stock of their barriers and make a plan to slowly start getting back on the road to relationships.”
― Sari Solden, MS, Women With Attention Deficit Disorder: Embrace Your Differences and Transform Your Life

“They don’t know how hard they are working or how much of their energy is going into just surviving. They don’t know that living is not supposed to be that hard. Too often, like the frog, by the time they discover this is not the way it’s supposed to be they’re already depleted, depressed, or overwhelmed.”
― Sari Solden, MS, Women With Attention Deficit Disorder: Embrace Your Differences and Transform Your Life

“Other women, even if they’ve had little support in high school, still manage to go to college. Unfortunately, because they have no idea what is wrong and what accommodations they could get to succeed, they are soon overwhelmed and either drop out or change schools several times. Others continue to self-medicate with drugs or alcohol to counteract their low self-esteem and bring them some form of needed relaxation, as well as a way to feel focused. Other young women might act out sexually with multiple partners or even tolerate destructive relationships in order to have the security of some kind of structure to come up against.”
― Sari Solden, MS, Women With Attention Deficit Disorder: Embrace Your Differences and Transform Your Life