The Buddha and the Borderline: My Recovery from Borderline Personality Disorder through Dialectical Behavior Therapy, Buddhism, and Online Dating

by Kiera Van Gelder

“Rinpoche, is killing yourself the same as murdering someone else?”

He shakes his head. “If you understand that killing in any form results in great suffering, why would you choose to kill yourself? It’s like scratching an itch with a sword. Karmically speaking, there is no relief after death for those who kill, even those who kill themselves. They have to experience the consequences, as with every action, beneficial or harmful.”

In the back of my mind, somewhere to the left of where the little dark one hides, is the firefighter of last resort. She’s got a full bottle of pills hiding in her sock drawer, a package of razor blades in the bathroom, and a suicide plan up her sleeve, like a secret agent carrying a cyanide capsule in case the enemy captures her. I’ve still been holding on to killing myself as a legitimate option. And while it’s unthinkable that I would pour a bottle of pills down someone else’s throat or slice another person’s flesh with a razor blade, the relationship I have with myself allows this option to exist for me. In some ways, coming to terms with myself and working toward recovery has been like saying “I love you” to someone but keeping a loaded gun hidden in your back pocket, just in case that person pisses you off enough.

And while it’s unthinkable that I would pour a bottle of pills down someone else’s throat or slice another person’s flesh with a razor blade, the relationship I have with myself allows this option to exist for me. In some ways, coming to terms with myself and working toward recovery has been like saying “I love you” to someone but keeping a loaded gun hidden in your back pocket, just in case that person pisses you off enough.

Dark but so true...

“Have you ever found that your ignorance was blissful?”

My focus, and where I’m headed, is answering the question of how we finally transcend the illness and yet keep traveling along with our borderline nature—our intense, wildly loving, painfully clinging, impulsive selves.

A lot of people aren’t able to get all of this in one place and will have to build up their village person by person, here and there.

You can do a lot of other things—say prayers of aspiration, read books, be mindful of all that happens, do deep breathing exercises, clear your chakras, feed the hungry, receive teachings—and yet all the effort in the world to generate an awakened mind is futile without that mirror: the person who can see the Buddha within you.

I understand that my absence and the guilt around it are my own, yet I still find myself projecting it onto the others.

Buddhism—that no matter how much suffering you endure, it ultimately can be transformed into a greater good.

We have to create communities and a language that can accommodate the borderline nature and experience.

The path to discovering Buddha-nature is found within suffering and our relationship to it, not by escaping it. And BPD has become my teacher. I no longer want to deny it or disassociate myself from it. Neither do I identify myself with it. My work now is to allow the bright seed within me to crack its sheath and grow, no longer ashamed and hiding. Turning toward you, Buddhas-to-be, I will try to mirror your true nature and share your pain.