Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help You Find—and Keep—Love

by Amir Levine

Adult attachment theory teaches us that Karen’s basic assumption, that she can and should control her emotional needs and soothe herself in the face of stress, is simply wrong. She assumed the problem was that she is too needy. Research findings support the exact opposite. Getting attached means that our brain becomes wired to seek the support of our partner by ensuring the partner’s psychological and physical proximity. If our partner fails to reassure us, we are programmed to continue our attempts to achieve closeness until the partner does.

Attachment principles teach us that most people are only as needy as their unmet needs. When their emotional needs are met, and the earlier the better, they usually turn their attention outward. This is sometimes referred to in attachment literature as the “dependency paradox”: The more effectively dependent people are on one another, the more independent and daring they become.

Among adults, the prevailing notion is still that too much dependence in a relationship is a bad thing.

Numerous studies show that once we become attached to someone, the two of us form one physiological unit. Our partner regulates our blood pressure, our heart rate, our breathing, and the levels of hormones in our blood. We are no longer separate entities. The emphasis on differentiation that is held by most of today’s popular psychology approaches to adult relationships does not hold water from a biological perspective. Dependency is a fact; it is not a choice or a preference.

The study demonstrates that when two people form an intimate relationship, they regulate each other’s psychological and emotional well-being. Their physical proximity and availability influence the stress response. How can we be expected to maintain a high level of differentiation between ourselves and our partners if our basic biology is influenced by them to such an extent?

once we choose someone special, powerful and often uncontrollable forces come into play. New patterns of behavior kick in regardless of how independent we are and despite our conscious wills. Once we choose a partner, there is no question about whether dependency exists or not. It always does.

If you want to take the road to independence and happiness, find the right person to depend on and travel down it with that person.

This is an important lesson for someone with an anxious attachment style: If you just wait a little longer before reacting and jumping to conclusions, you will have an uncanny ability to decipher the world around you and use it to your advantage.

Quick to forgive—They assume their partners’ intentions are good and are therefore likely to forgive them when they do something hurtful.

You too can provide a secure base by adopting the following secure behaviors: Be available: Respond sensitively to their distress, allow them to be dependent on you when they feel the need, check in with them from time to time, and provide comfort when things go wrong. Don’t interfere: Provide behind-the-scenes support for their endeavors. Help in a way that leaves them with the initiative and the feeling of power. Allow them to do their own thing without trying to take over the situation, micromanage, or undermine their confidence and abilities. Encourage: Provide encouragement and be accepting of their learning and personal growth goals. Boost their self-esteem.

Frequently avoidants feel independent and powerful only to the extent that their partner feels needy and incapable. This is one of the main reasons avoidants hardly ever date one another. They can’t feel strong and independent in relation to someone who shares the same sentiment as they do.

Suzanne Phillips, coauthor of the book Healing Together, describes our connection with our pets as a source of inspiration for our romantic relationships. In her writing, she points out that we tend to perceive our pets as selfless and loving despite their many misdemeanors: They wake us up at night, destroy our valuables, and demand our undivided attention, yet we tend to overlook these behaviors and feel positively toward them. In fact, our connection with our pets is an excellent example of a secure presence in our lives. We can tap into our attitudes toward our pets as a secure resource within us—we don’t assume our pets are doing things purposely to hurt us, we don’t hold grudges even when they eat something they shouldn’t or make a mess, we still greet them warmly when we come home (even after a rough day at the office), and we stick by them no matter what.

it’s been found that the anxious partner uses sex to achieve a sense of affirmation and as a barometer of attractiveness in the eyes of their mate.

The more Marsha tried to get close, the more he tried to push her away. This is often what life can be like in the inner circle if you have an anxious attachment style and you are with someone avoidant.

Anxious people may take a very long time to get over a bad attachment, and they don’t get to decide how long it will take. Only when every single cell in their body is completely convinced that there is no chance that their partner will change or that they will ever reunite will they be able to deactivate and let go.

Obviously you’re better off not reestablishing contact with your ex, but if you end up doing so, don’t beat yourself up. It is very important that you be compassionate with yourself. The worse you feel about yourself, the more you’ll want to go back to the false safety of the bad relationship you were in. Your attachment system gets activated more when you feel bad about yourself and an activated attachment system means wanting to renew contact even more.

People’s response to effective communication is always very telling.

Effective communication works on the understanding that we all have very specific needs in relationships, many of which are determined by your attachment style. They aren’t good or bad, they simply are what they are. If you’re anxious, you have a strong need for closeness and have to be reassured at all times that your partner loves and respects you.

Effective communication is the quickest, most direct way to determine whether your prospective partner will be able to meet your needs. Your date’s response to effective communication can reveal more in five minutes than you could learn in months of dating without this kind of discourse. If the other person shows a sincere wish to understand your needs and put your well-being first, your future together has promise. If they brush your concerns aside as insignificant, or makes you feel inadequate, foolish, or self-indulgent, you can conclude that this person doesn’t sincerely have your best interests in mind and you are probably incompatible.

Another advantage of effective communication is that it provides a role model for your partner. You set the tone for the relationship as one in which you can both be honest and in which each has the sacred responsibility to look out for the other’s well-being. Once your partner sees that you can be so open, they will follow suit.

With effective communication, you might not be able to solve a problem or resolve your differences in one shot. But you can judge immediately how important your well-being is to your partner:

When you start to feel something is bothering you in your relationship, you tend to quickly get flooded with negative emotions and think in extremes. Unlike your secure counterpart, you don’t expect your partner to respond positively but anticipate the opposite. You perceive the relationship as something fragile and unstable that can collapse at any moment. These thoughts and assumptions make it hard for you to express your needs effectively. When you finally talk to your partner, you often do it in a way that is explosive, accusatory, critical, or threatening. Rather than giving you the reassurance you’re seeking, your partner may withdraw.

Therefore, despite your understandable fear of getting hurt, we advise you to avoid protest behavior by taking a leap of faith and adopting effective communication. We can honestly say that everyone we’ve known who has used effective communication has been grateful for it in the long run. Often, effective communication brings about huge relief by showing you just how strongly your partner feels about you—and by strengthening the bond between you two. And even though in some instances the response may not be what you hoped for and you’ll be convinced that you’ve ruined everything—if only you had said or done something else, he would surely have come around—we’ve never heard anyone say in retrospect that they regretted raising an important issue in a dating or relationship setting. In fact, they overwhelmingly express gratitude that effective communication got them that one step closer to their long-term

What if Monique had responded differently and Greg’s request had been rebuffed? As always with effective communication, you win either way. Even if Monique had ignored his request and quickly changed the subject, he would have learned something very telling. A red flag based on reality—and not on Greg’s anxious assumptions—would have been raised about Monique’s ability to respond to his needs and sensitivities. We’re not suggesting that Greg should leave Monique immediately if she reacted in this way, but it would expose a smoking gun. Two or three such evading tactics would probably inspire Greg to look for love elsewhere.

But at least until you feel completely comfortable using effective communication, we suggest following this basic rule of thumb: If you are anxious—turn to effective communication when you feel you are starting to resort to protest behavior. When something your partner has said or done (or refrained from saying or doing) has activated your attachment system to the point where you feel you’re on the verge of acting out—by not answering their calls, threatening to leave, or engaging in any other form of protest behavior—stop yourself. Then figure out what your real needs are and use effective communication instead. But only after you’ve thoroughly calmed down (which for someone anxious can sometimes take a day or two).

Be assertive and nonapologetic. Your relationship needs are valid—period. Though people with different attachment styles may not see your concerns as legitimate, they’re essential for your happiness, and expressing them authentically is crucial to effective communication. This point is especially important if you have an anxious attachment style, because our culture encourages you to believe that many of your needs are illegitimate. But whether they are legitimate or not for someone else is beside the point. They are essential for your happiness, and that is what’s important.

It’s important to remember that even with effective communication, some problems won’t be solved immediately. What’s vital is your partner’s response—whether they are concerned about your well-being, has your best interests in mind, and is willing to work on things.

Ignoring your partner’s needs will have a direct impact on your own emotions, satisfaction level, and even physical health. We often view conflict as a zero-sum game: either you get your way or I get mine. But attachment theory shows us that our happiness is actually dependent on our mate’s and vice versa. The two are inextricable.

When it comes to conflict, it’s not always about who did what to whom, or how to compromise, or even how to express yourself more effectively. Sometimes, understanding the basic biology of attachment helps you prevent conflict before it even happens. Oxytocin, a hormone and neuropeptide that has gotten a lot of press coverage in recent years, plays a major role in attachment processes and serves several purposes: It causes women to go into labor, strengthens attachment, and serves as a social cohesion hormone by increasing trust and cooperation. We get a boost of oxytocin in our brain during orgasm and even when we cuddle—which is why it’s been tagged the “cuddle hormone.” How is oxytocin related to conflict reduction? Sometimes we spend less quality time with our partner—especially when other demands on us are pressing. However, neuroscience findings suggest that we should change our priorities. By forgoing closeness with our partners, we are also missing our oxytocin boost—making us less agreeable to the world around us and more vulnerable to conflict. The next time you decide to skip the Sunday morning cuddle in bed for a chance to catch up on your work—think again. This small act might be enough to immunize your relationship against conflict for the next few days.

Jackie, on the other hand, doesn’t talk anymore about meeting his kids because she’s anxious and worries that by making demands she may put the relationship in jeopardy. She fears that Paul may decide she’s “just not worth the effort.”

Try to keep a number of truths in mind when you are in the midst of a fight: A single fight is not a relationship breaker. Express your fears! Don’t let them dictate your actions. If you’re afraid that they want to reject you, say so. Don’t assume you are to blame for your partner’s bad mood. It is most likely not because of you. Trust that your partner will be caring and responsive and go ahead and express your needs. Don’t expect your partner to know what you’re thinking. If you haven’t told them what’s on your mind, they don’t know! Don’t assume that you understand what your partner means. When in doubt, ask.

A general word of advice: It’s always more effective to assume the best in conflict situations. In fact, expecting the worst—which is typical of people with insecure attachment styles—often acts as a self-fulfilling prophecy. If you assume your partner will act hurtfully or reject you, you automatically respond defensively—thus starting a vicious cycle of negativity.

instead of openly talking about her concerns, she backs down. She fears that because she spoke her mind, the relationship may end, so she tries to undo the damage by apologizing for raising the subject in the first place. By doing so Daria is agreeing to a new unspoken pact in the relationship: that her feelings and concerns are not that important.

At first he has “no idea” what she’s talking about, and later he minimizes the importance of her argument by saying that it’s just a natural part of being male. This is ineffective communication at its worst. Nothing gets resolved. She’ll continue to feel upset by his behavior and he’ll feel justified and self-righteous about continuing it.

The first misconception is that everyone has the same capacity for intimacy. We’ve been raised to believe that every person can fall deeply in love (this part might well be true) and that when this happens, they will be transformed into a different person (this part is not!). Regardless of what they were like before, when people find “the one,” they supposedly become adoring, faithful, supportive partners—free of qualms about the relationship. It’s tempting to forget that, in fact, people have very different capacities for intimacy. And when one person’s need for closeness is met with another person’s need for independence and distance, a lot of unhappiness ensues.

we alone are responsible for our emotional needs; they are not our partner’s responsibility.

In a true partnership, both partners view it as their responsibility to ensure the other’s emotional well-being.

Don’t Lose Sight of These Facts: Your attachment needs are legitimate. You shouldn’t feel bad for depending on the person you are closest to—it is part of your genetic makeup. A relationship, from an attachment perspective, should make you feel more self-confident and give you peace of mind. If it doesn’t, this is a wake-up call! And above all, remain true to your authentic self—playing games will only distance you from your ultimate goal of finding true happiness, be it with your current partner or with someone else.