Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help You Find—and Keep—Love

by Amir Levine

We like to call any signal or message that is highly indicative of avoidance a smoking gun: SMOKING GUNS THAT INDICATE YOU’RE DATING SOMEONE AVOIDANT Sends mixed messages—about their feelings toward you or about their commitment to you. Longs for an ideal relationship—but gives subtle hints that it will not be with you. Desperately wants to meet “the one”—but somehow always finds some fault in the other person or in the circumstances that makes commitment impossible. Disregards your emotional well-being—and when confronted, continues to disregard it. Suggests that you are “too needy,” “sensitive,” or “overreacting”—thus invalidating your feelings and making you second-guess yourself. Ignores things you say that inconvenience them—doesn’t respond or changes the topic instead. Addresses your concerns as “in a court of law”—responding to the facts without taking your feelings into account. Your messages don’t get across—despite your best efforts to communicate your needs, they don’t seem to get the message or else ignores it.