Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help You Find—and Keep—Love

by Amir Levine

adults show patterns of attachment to their romantic partners similar to the patterns of attachment of children with their parents.

Adult attachment designates three main “attachment styles,” or manners in which people perceive and respond to intimacy in romantic relationships, which parallel those found in children: Secure, Anxious, and Avoidant.

Attachment principles teach us that most people are only as needy as their unmet needs. When their emotional needs are met, and the earlier the better, they usually turn their attention outward. This is sometimes referred to in attachment literature as the “dependency paradox”: The more effectively dependent people are on one another, the more independent and daring they become.

Numerous studies show that once we become attached to someone, the two of us form one physiological unit. Our partner regulates our blood pressure, our heart rate, our breathing, and the levels of hormones in our blood. We are no longer separate entities. The emphasis on differentiation that is held by most of today’s popular psychology approaches to adult relationships does not hold water from a biological perspective. Dependency is a fact; it is not a choice or a preference.

The study demonstrates that when two people form an intimate relationship, they regulate each other’s psychological and emotional well-being.

If you want to take the road to independence and happiness, find the right person to depend on and travel down it with that person. Once you understand this, you’ve grasped the essence of attachment theory.

When our partner is unable to meet our basic attachment needs, we experience a chronic sense of disquiet and tension that leaves us more exposed to various ailments. Not only is our emotional well-being sacrificed when we are in a romantic partnership with someone who doesn’t provide a secure base, but so is our physical health.

(For a fully validated adult attachment questionnaire, you can log on to Dr. Chris Fraley’s website at: http://www.web-research-design.net/cgi-bin/crq/crq.pl.)

Conclusion: Avoidants are in the dating pool more frequently and for longer periods of time.

Conclusion: People with a secure attachment style take a very long time to reappear in the dating pool, if at all.

Conclusion: Avoidants don’t date each other; they are more likely to date people with different attachment styles.

We like to call any signal or message that is highly indicative of avoidance a smoking gun: SMOKING GUNS THAT INDICATE YOU’RE DATING SOMEONE AVOIDANT Sends mixed messages—about their feelings toward you or about their commitment to you. Longs for an ideal relationship—but gives subtle hints that it will not be with you. Desperately wants to meet “the one”—but somehow always finds some fault in the other person or in the circumstances that makes commitment impossible. Disregards your emotional well-being—and when confronted, continues to disregard it. Suggests that you are “too needy,” “sensitive,” or “overreacting”—thus invalidating your feelings and making you second-guess yourself. Ignores things you say that inconvenience them—doesn’t respond or changes the topic instead. Addresses your concerns as “in a court of law”—responding to the facts without taking your feelings into account. Your messages don’t get across—despite your best efforts to communicate your needs, they don’t seem to get the message or else ignores it.