Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help You Find—and Keep—Love

by Amir Levine

Attachment principles teach us that most people are only as needy as their unmet needs.

the “dependency paradox”: The more effectively dependent people are on one another, the more independent and daring they become.

What they don’t mention, because they are unaware of attachment science, is that they will make you seem more attractive to a very particular kind of partner—an avoidant one. Why? Because, in essence, what they are advocating is that you ignore your needs and let the other person determine the amount of closeness/distance in the relationship.

By being someone you’re not, you’re allowing another to be with you on their own terms and come and go as they please.

abundance (or “plenty of fish in the sea”) philosophy—understanding that there are many unique and wonderful individuals out there who may be superb partners for you. Try giving several people a chance, without settling on one person very early on, making sure to give a wide berth to those with potential smoking guns.

Your relationship needs are valid—period.

It’s always more effective to assume the best in conflict situations. In fact, expecting the worst—which is typical of people with insecure attachment styles—often acts as a self-fulfilling prophecy.