Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help You Find—and Keep—Love

by Amir Levine

research findings first made by Cindy Hazan and Phillip Shaver indicated that adults show patterns of attachment to their romantic partners similar to the patterns of attachment of children with their parents.

Secure, Anxious, and Avoidant. Basically, secure people feel comfortable with intimacy and are usually warm and loving; anxious people crave intimacy, are often preoccupied with their relationships, and tend to worry about their partner’s ability to love them back; avoidant people equate intimacy with a loss of independence and constantly try to minimize closeness.

This mechanism, called the attachment system, consists of emotions and behaviors that ensure that we remain safe and protected by staying close to our loved ones. The mechanism explains why a child parted from their mother becomes frantic, searches wildly, or cries uncontrollably until they reestablish contact with her. These reactions are coined protest behavior, and we all still exhibit them as grown-ups.

Our variability improves the chances that a segment of the population that is unique in some way might survive when others wouldn’t. Attachment style is no different from any other human characteristic. Although we all have a basic need to form close bonds, the way we create them varies.

Getting attached means that our brain becomes wired to seek the support of our partner by ensuring the partner’s psychological and physical proximity.

Attachment principles teach us that most people are only as needy as their unmet needs. When their emotional needs are met, and the earlier the better, they usually turn their attention outward. This is sometimes referred to in attachment literature as the “dependency paradox”: The more effectively dependent people are on one another, the more independent and daring they become.

Today’s experts offer advice that goes something like this: Your happiness is something that should come from within and should not be dependent on your lover or mate. Your well-being is not their responsibility, and theirs is not yours. Each person needs to look after himself or herself.

The basic premise underlying this point of view is that the ideal relationship is one between two self-sufficient people who unite in a mature, respectful way while maintaining clear boundaries.

The worst possible scenario is that you will end up needing your partner, which is equated with “addiction” to them, and addiction, we all know, is a dangerous prospect.

Does this mean that in order to be happy in a relationship we need to be joined with our partner at the hip or give up other aspects of our life such as our careers or friends? Paradoxically, the opposite is true!

If you want to take the road to independence and happiness, find the right person to depend on and travel down it with that person.

The experiment Sarah and Kimmy participated in is probably the most important study in the field of attachment theory—referred to as the strange situation test (the version described here is an abbreviated version of the test). Mary Ainsworth was fascinated by the way in which children’s exploratory drive—their ability to play and learn—could be aroused or stifled by their mother’s presence or departure.

This presence is known as a secure base.

A secure base is a prerequisite for a child’s ability to explore, develop, and learn.

When our partner is unable to meet our basic attachment needs, we experience a chronic sense of disquiet and tension that leaves us more exposed to various ailments. Not only is our emotional well-being sacrificed when we are in a romantic partnership with someone who doesn’t provide a secure base, but so is our physical health.

The famous seventeenth-century philosopher Baruch Spinoza said: “All happiness or unhappiness solely depends upon the quality of the object to which we are attached by love.”

Activating strategies are any thoughts or feelings that compel you to get close, physically or emotionally, to your partner. Once they respond to you in a way that reestablishes security, you can revert back to your calm, normal self.

Protest behavior is any action that tries to reestablish contact with your partner and get their attention. There are many ways that protest behavior can manifest itself, anything that can jolt the other person into noticing you and responding to you. Protest behavior and activating strategies can cause you to act in ways that are harmful to the relationship.

Paula Pietromonaco, of the University of Massachusetts, and Katherine Carnelley, of the University of Southampton in the UK, found that avoidant individuals actually prefer anxiously attached people. Another study, by Jeffry Simpson of the University of Minnesota, showed that anxious women are more likely to date avoidant men.

The avoidants’ defensive self-perception that they are strong and independent is confirmed, as is the belief that others want to pull them into more closeness than they are comfortable with. The anxious types find that their perception of wanting more intimacy than their partner can provide is confirmed, as is their anticipation of ultimately being let down by significant others. So, in a way, each style is drawn to reenact a familiar script over and over again.

A deactivating strategy is any behavior or thought that is used to squelch intimacy. These strategies suppress our attachment system, the biological mechanism in our brains responsible for our desire to seek closeness with a preferred partner.

researchers showed that avoidants have the need for closeness in a relationship but make a concerted effort to repress

You convince yourself that you have a true longing for someone from your past or that the right person is just around the corner and you can easily undermine yourself in love. Embracing the notion of the “perfect” partner is one of the most powerful tools an avoidant can use to keep someone else at bay.

De-emphasize self-reliance and focus on mutual support. When your partner feels they have a secure base to fall back on (and doesn’t feel the need to work hard to get close), and when you don’t feel the need to distance yourself, you’ll both be better able to look outward and do your own thing.

Be aware of your tendency to misinterpret behaviors. Negative views of your partner’s behaviors and intentions infuse bad vibes into the relationship. Change this pattern! Recognize this tendency, notice when it happens, and look for a more plausible perspective. Remind yourself that this is your partner, you chose to be together, and that maybe you’re better off trusting that they do have your best interests at heart.

Great conflict busters—During a fight they don’t feel the need to act defensively or to injure or punish their partner, and so prevent the situation from escalating.

Mentally flexible—They are not threatened by criticism. They’re willing to reconsider their ways, and if necessary, revise their beliefs and strategies.

Effective communicators—They expect others to be understanding and responsive, so expressing their feelings freely and accurately to t...

Comfortable with closeness, unconcerned about boundaries—They seek intimacy and aren’t afraid of being “enmeshed.” Because they aren’t overwhelmed by a fear of being slighted (as are the anxious) or the need to deactivate (as are the avoidants), they find it easy to enjoy closeness, whether physical or emotional.

Quick to forgive—They assume their partners’ intentions are good and are therefore likely to forgive them when they do something hurtful.

Inclined to view sex and emotional intimacy as one—They don’t need to create distance by separating the two (by being close either e...

Secure in their power to improve the relationship—They are confident in their positive beliefs about themselves and others, which makes this assumption logical.

Responsible for their partners’ well-being—They expect others to be responsive and loving toward them and so are responsive to others’ needs.

Omri Gillath, from the University of Kansas, and his colleagues from the University of California, Davis, discovered that a specific pattern of the dopamine receptor DRD2 allele is associated with the anxious attachment style, whereas a variant of the serotonin 5-HT1A receptor was linked to avoidance. These two genes are known to play a role in many brain functions, including emotions, reward, attention, and importantly, also in social behavior and pair bonding. The authors conclude that “attachment insecurities are partially explained by particular genes, although there is still a great deal of individual difference variance that remains to be explained by other genes or social experiences.”

So where does the secure attachment come from? As more studies become available, there is increasing evidence that a secure attachment style doesn’t originate from a single source.

Be available: Respond sensitively to their distress, allow them to be dependent on you when they feel the need, check in with them from time to time, and provide comfort when things go wrong.

Don’t interfere: Provide behind-the-scenes support for their endeavors. Help in a way that leaves them with the initiative and the feeling of power. Allow them to do their own thing without trying to take over the situation, micromanage, or undermine their confidence and abilities.

Encourage: Provide encouragement and be accepting of their learning and personal growth goal...

But not all secure people are homebodies or goofy. You are not settling by going secure! Secures come in all shapes and forms. Many are good-looking and sexy. Whether plain or gorgeous, we’ve learned to appreciate them all for what they really are—the “supermates” of evolution—and we hope that you will too.

Attachment research shows that people tend to become more secure when they are in a relationship with someone secure. But there is also hope for a couple’s future when neither partner is secure. Studies have found that security “priming”—reminding people of security-enhancing experiences they’ve had—can help them to create a greater sense of security.

Effective communication works on the understanding that we all have very specific needs in relationships, many of which are determined by your attachment style.

Secure people also believe that they are worthy of love and affection, and expect their partners to be responsive and caring. With these beliefs, it’s easy to see why they don’t let negative thoughts take over, how they can stay calm and collected and assume the other person will react positively. In fact, this attitude can be infectious.

You perceive the relationship as something fragile and unstable that can collapse at any moment. These thoughts and assumptions make it hard for you to express your needs effectively. When you finally talk to your partner, you often do it in a way that is explosive, accusatory, critical, or threatening. Rather than giving you the reassurance you’re seeking, your partner may withdraw.

Men who dated anxious partners reported self-disclosing less often and rated their general level of communication as lower than others.

Therefore, despite your understandable fear of getting hurt, we advise you to avoid protest behavior by taking a leap of faith and adopting effective communication.

If you are avoidant, the first step, therefore, is to acknowledge your need for space—whether emotional or physical—when things get too close, and then learn how to communicate that need.

Wear your heart on your sleeve. Effective communication requires being genuine and completely honest about your feelings. Be emotionally brave!

Be specific. If you speak in general terms, your partner may not understand exactly what you really need, which may lower their chances of getting it right. State precisely what is bothering you:

Don’t blame. Never make your partner feel selfish, incompetent, or inadequate. Effective communication is not about highlighting the other person’s shortcomings, and making accusations will quickly lead you away from the point and into a dueling match.

What specific action/s by my partner would make me feel more secure and loved?