Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help You Find—and Keep—Love

by Amir Levine

If we had to describe the basic premise of adult attachment in one sentence, it would be: If you want to take the road to independence and happiness, find the right person to depend on and travel down it with that person.

(For a fully validated adult attachment questionnaire, you can log on to Dr. Chris Fraley’s website at: http://www.web-research-design.net/cgi-bin/crq/crq.pl.)

Golden Rules: Determine whether they seek intimacy and closeness. Assess how preoccupied they are with the relationship and how sensitive they are to rejection. Don’t rely on one “symptom,” look for various signs. Assess their reaction to effective communication. Listen and look for what they are not saying or doing.

This is an important lesson for someone with an anxious attachment style: If you just wait a little longer before reacting and jumping to conclusions, you will have an uncanny ability to decipher the world around you and use it to your advantage. But shoot from the hip, and you’re all over the place making misjudgments and hurting yourself.

Thoughts and Feelings That Compel You to Seek Closeness with Your Partner Thinking about your mate, difficulty concentrating on other things. Remembering only their good qualities. Putting them on a pedestal: underestimating your talents and abilities and overestimating theirs. An anxious feeling that goes away only when you are in contact with them. Believing this is your only chance for love, as in: “I’m only compatible with very few people—what are the chances I’ll find another person like them?” “It takes years to meet someone new; I’ll end up alone.” Believing that even though you’re unhappy, you’d better not let go, as in: “If she leaves me, she’ll turn into a great partner—for someone else.” “He can change.” “All couples have problems—we’re not special in that regard.”

Protest Behavior—Letting Your Attachment System Get the Best of You Excessive attempts to reestablish contact: Calling, texting, or e-mailing many times, waiting for a phone call, loitering by your partner’s workplace in hopes of running into them. Withdrawing: Sitting silently “engrossed” in the paper, literally turning your back on your partner, not speaking, talking with other people on the phone and ignoring them. Keeping score: Paying attention to how long it took them to return your phone call and waiting just as long to return theirs; waiting for them to make the first “make-up” move and acting distant until such time. When Ryan decided not to leave a message for Shauna after she screened his calls, he was keeping score (“If she’s not answering my calls, I won’t leave her a message”). Acting hostile: Rolling your eyes when they speak, looking away, getting up and leaving the room while they’re talking (acting hostile can transgress to outright violence at times). Threatening to leave: Making threats—“We’re not getting along, I don’t think I can do this anymore,” “I knew we weren’t really right for each other,” “I’ll be better off without you”—all the while hoping they will stop you from leaving. Manipulations: Acting busy or unapproachable. Ignoring phone calls, saying you have plans when you don’t. Making them feel jealous: Making plans to get together with an ex for lunch, going out with friends to a singles bar, telling your partner about someone who hit on you t...

If You’re Anxious, You Shouldn’t Be Dating Someone Avoidant Because: You: want closeness and intimacy. They: want to maintain some distance, emotional and/or physical. You: are very sensitive to any signs of rejection (vigilant attachment system). They: send mixed signals that often come across as rejecting. You: find it hard to tell them directly what you need and what’s bothering you (effective communication), and use protest behavior instead. They: are bad at reading your verbal and nonverbal cues and don’t think it’s their responsibility to do so. You: need to be reassured and feel loved. They: tend to put you down to create distance as a means to deactivate their attachment system. You: need to know exactly where you stand in the relationship. They: prefer to keep things fuzzy. Even if your relationship is very serious, some question marks still remain.

If You’re Anxious, You Should Be Dating Someone Secure Because: You: want closeness and intimacy. They: are comfortable with closeness and don’t try to push you away. You: are very sensitive to any signs of rejection (vigilant attachment system). They: are very consistent and reliable and won’t send mixed messages that will upset you. If you become distressed, they know how to reassure you. You: find it hard to tell them directly what you need and what’s bothering you (effective communication), and use protest behavior instead. They: see your well-being as a top priority and do their best to read your verbal and nonverbal cues. You: need to be reassured and feel loved. They: feel comfortable telling you how they feel, very early on, in a consistent manner. You: need to know exactly where you stand in the relationship. They: are very stable; they also feel comfortable with commitment.

This stance influences every aspect of their romantic relationships. They are: Great conflict busters—During a fight they don’t feel the need to act defensively or to injure or punish their partner, and so prevent the situation from escalating. Mentally flexible—They are not threatened by criticism. They’re willing to reconsider their ways, and if necessary, revise their beliefs and strategies. Effective communicators—They expect others to be understanding and responsive, so expressing their feelings freely and accurately to their partners comes naturally to them. Not game players—They want closeness and believe others want the same, so why play games? Comfortable with closeness, unconcerned about boundaries—They seek intimacy and aren’t afraid of being “enmeshed.” Because they aren’t overwhelmed by a fear of being slighted (as are the anxious) or the need to deactivate (as are the avoidants), they find it easy to enjoy closeness, whether physical or emotional. Quick to forgive—They assume their partners’ intentions are good and are therefore likely to forgive them when they do something hurtful. Inclined to view sex and emotional intimacy as one—They don’t need to create distance by separating the two (by being close either emotionally or sexually but not both). Treat their partners like royalty—When you’ve become part of their inner circle, they treat you with love and respect. Secure in their power to improve the relationship—They are confident in their positive beliefs...

Tapping Into the Secure Mind-set—Creating a Secure Base for Your Partner As you recall, one of the most important roles we play in our partners’ lives is providing a secure base: creating the conditions that enable our partners to pursue their interests and explore the world in confidence. Brooke Feeney and Roxanne Thrush, of Carnegie Mellon University, in a study published in 2010, found that three specific behaviors underlie this broad term. You too can provide a secure base by adopting the following secure behaviors: Be available: Respond sensitively to their distress, allow them to be dependent on you when they feel the need, check in with them from time to time, and provide comfort when things go wrong. Don’t interfere: Provide behind-the-scenes support for their endeavors. Help in a way that leaves them with the initiative and the feeling of power. Allow them to do their own thing without trying to take over the situation, micromanage, or undermine their confidence and abilities. Encourage: Provide encouragement and be accepting of their learning and personal growth goals. Boost their self-esteem.

As a secure, the opposite is true of you—you believe that there are many potential partners open to intimacy and closeness who would be responsive to your needs. You know you deserve to be loved and valued at all times. You are programmed to expect that. If someone sends out vibes that are not in line with these expectations—if they’re inconsistent or evasive—you automatically lose interest.

On this page is the attachment relationship inventory. Visit http://prhlink.com/9781101475164amain to access a printable table to use for this inventory. Taking the inventory is a task that should be done alone. Make sure to set aside enough quiet time to work on it thoroughly, so you really get a complete and accurate picture of yourself from an attachment perspective.

Five Secure Principles for Resolving Conflict Show basic concern for the other person’s well-being. Maintain focus on the problem at hand. Refrain from generalizing the conflict. Be willing to engage. Effectively communicate feelings and needs.

Insecure Conflict Strategies to Avoid Getting sidetracked from the real problem. Neglecting to effectively communicate your feelings and needs. Reverting to personal attacks and destructiveness. Reacting “tit for tat” to a partner’s negativity with more negativity. Withdrawing. Forgetting to focus on the other’s well-being.

Don’t Lose Sight of These Facts: Your attachment needs are legitimate. You shouldn’t feel bad for depending on the person you are closest to—it is part of your genetic makeup. A relationship, from an attachment perspective, should make you feel more self-confident and give you peace of mind. If it doesn’t, this is a wake-up call! And above all, remain true to your authentic self—playing games will only distance you from your ultimate goal of finding true happiness, be it with your current partner or with someone else.