Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help You Find—and Keep—Love

by Amir Levine

one of the main messages of this theory is that in romantic situations, we are programmed to act in a predetermined manner.

Attachment principles teach us that most people are only as needy as their unmet needs. When their emotional needs are met, and the earlier the better, they usually turn their attention outward. This is sometimes referred to in attachment literature as the “dependency paradox”: The more effectively dependent people are on one another, the more independent and daring they become.

Numerous studies show that once we become attached to someone, the two of us form one physiological unit. Our partner regulates our blood pressure, our heart rate, our breathing, and the levels of hormones in our blood. We are no longer separate entities.

The study demonstrates that when two people form an intimate relationship, they regulate each other’s psychological and emotional well-being. Their physical proximity and availability influence the stress response. How can we be expected to maintain a high level of differentiation between ourselves and our partners if our basic biology is influenced by them to such an extent?

A secure base is a prerequisite for a child’s ability to explore, develop, and learn.

As in the strange situation test, when our partners are thoroughly dependable and make us feel safe, and especially if they know how to reassure us during the hard times, we can turn our attention to all the other aspects of life that make our existence meaningful.

If you have an anxious attachment style, you possess a unique ability to sense when your relationship is threatened. Even a slight hint that something may be wrong will activate your attachment system, and once it’s activated, you are unable to calm down until you get a clear indication from your partner that they are truly there for you and that the relationship is safe.

These findings suggest that people with an anxious attachment style are indeed more vigilant to changes in others’ emotional expression and can have a higher degree of accuracy and sensitivity to other people’s cues.

The study showed that people with an anxious attachment style tend to jump to conclusions very quickly, and when they do, they tend to misinterpret people’s emotional state.

Notice that if you feel unsettled in a relationship situation, all that is required is a minimal reassurance from your partner—one text message in Shauna’s case—to get back on track. But if you don’t get that reassurance, your worries about the relationship will quadruple, and it will take a lot more than a simple text to calm your attachment system. This is a very important insight for anyone in a relationship. The more attuned you are to your partner’s needs at the early stages—and they to yours—the less energy you will need to expend attending to them later.

In other words, the brains of people with an anxious attachment style react more strongly to thoughts of loss and at the same time under-recruit regions normally used to down-regulate negative emotions. This means that once your attachment system is activated, you will find it much harder to “turn it off” if you have an anxious attachment style.

found that avoidant individuals actually prefer anxiously attached people. Another study, by Jeffry Simpson of the University of Minnesota, showed that anxious women are more likely to date avoidant men.

Conclusion: Avoidants are in the dating pool more frequently and for longer periods of time.

Conclusion: People with a secure attachment style take a very long time to reappear in the dating pool, if at all.

Conclusion: Avoidants don’t date each other; they are more likely to date people with different attachment styles.

If you are anxious, the reverse of what happens when you meet someone avoidant happens when you meet someone secure. The messages that come across from someone secure are very honest, straightforward, and consistent. Secures are not afraid of intimacy and know they are worthy of love. They don’t have to beat around the bush or play hard to get. Ambiguous messages are out of the mix, as are tension and suspense. As a result, your attachment system remains relatively calm.

Because you are used to equating an activated attachment system with love, you conclude that this can’t be “the one” because no bells are going off. You associate a calm attachment system with boredom and indifference. Because of this fallacy you might let the perfect partner pass you by.

The key to finding a mate who can fulfill those needs is to first fully acknowledge your need for intimacy, availability, and security in a relationship—and to believe that they are legitimate. They aren’t good or bad, they are simply your needs.

Other studies have found that faced with a stressful life event, such as divorce, the birth of a severely disabled child, or military trauma, avoidants’ defenses are quick to break down and they then appear and behave just like people with an anxious attachment style.

once the avoidant person has put time and distance between themself and the partner whom they’ve lost interest in, something strange happens: The feelings of love and admiration return!

Studies demonstrate that individuals with a secure attachment style report higher levels of satisfaction in their relationships than people with other attachment styles.

So not only do people with a secure attachment style fare better in relationships, they also create a buffering effect, somehow managing to raise their insecure partner’s relationship satisfaction and functioning to their own high level. This is a very important finding. It means that if you’re with someone secure, they nurture you into a more secure stance.

Among the factors that were found to increase a child’s chance of being secure were an easy temperament (which makes it easier for parents to be responsive), positive maternal conditions—marital satisfaction, low stress and depression, and social support—and fewer hours with a nonparental caretaker.

On average, about 70 to 75 percent of adults remain consistently in the same attachment category at different points in their lives, while the remaining 25 to 30 percent of the population report a change in their attachment style. Researchers attribute this change to romantic relationships in adulthood that are so powerful that they actually revise our most basic beliefs and attitudes toward connectedness.

You too can provide a secure base by adopting the following secure behaviors: Be available: Respond sensitively to their distress, allow them to be dependent on you when they feel the need, check in with them from time to time, and provide comfort when things go wrong. Don’t interfere: Provide behind-the-scenes support for their endeavors. Help in a way that leaves them with the initiative and the feeling of power. Allow them to do their own thing without trying to take over the situation, micromanage, or undermine their confidence and abilities. Encourage: Provide encouragement and be accepting of their learning and personal growth goals. Boost their self-esteem.

“Forgiveness requires difficult regulatory maneuvers . . . understanding a transgressor’s needs and motives, and making generous attributions and appraisals concerning the transgressor’s traits and hurtful actions. . . . Secure people are likely to offer relatively benign explanations of their partners’ hurtful actions and be inclined to forgive the partner.”

If you’ve experienced loss of an attachment figure, for whatever reason, remember that it wasn’t your set of beliefs that were to blame and it is well worth holding on to them. It is better to find a way to heal the wounds and maintain the hope that there are other people out there who share your need for intimacy and closeness. You can be happy again.

Research on attachment repeatedly shows that when your need for intimacy is met and reciprocated by your partner, your satisfaction level will rise. Incongruent intimacy needs, on the other hand, usually translate into substantially lower satisfaction. When couples disagree about the degree of closeness and intimacy desired in a relationship, the issue eventually threatens to dominate all of their dialogue.

Frequently avoidants feel independent and powerful only to the extent that their partner feels needy and incapable. This is one of the main reasons avoidants hardly ever date one another. They can’t feel strong and independent in relation to someone who shares the same sentiment as they do.

Perhaps one of the most intriguing findings in adult attachment research is that attachment styles are stable but plastic. This means that they tend to stay consistent over time, but they can also change.

Studies have found that security “priming”—reminding people of security-enhancing experiences they’ve had—can help them to create a greater sense of security. When people can recall a past relationship with a secure person or be inspired by a secure role model in their lives, they are often successful at adopting secure ways.

Expressing your needs and expectations to your partner in a direct, nonaccusatory manner is an incredibly powerful tool.

People’s response to effective communication is always very telling. It either allows you to avoid getting involved in a dead-end relationship, as in Lauren and Ethan’s case, or it helps bring the relationship to a deeper level, as in Serge and Tina’s case.

If your partner is responsive and genuinely concerned about your happiness and security, you have a green light to go ahead with the relationship.

Like the concept of effective communication, the principles are also very straightforward: Wear your heart on your sleeve. Effective communication requires being genuine and completely honest about your feelings. Be emotionally brave!

Focus on your needs. The idea is to get your needs across. When expressing your needs, we are always referring to needs that take your partner’s well-being into consideration as well. If your needs end up hurting them, you’re sure to get hurt too; after all, you and your partner are an emotional unit. When expressing your needs, it’s helpful to use verbs such as need, feel, and want,

Be specific. If you speak in general terms, your partner may not understand exactly what you really need, which may lower their chances of getting it right. State precisely what is bothering you:

Don’t blame. Never make your partner feel selfish, incompetent, or inadequate.

Be assertive and nonapologetic. Your relationship needs are valid—period.

It’s important to remember that even with effective communication, some problems won’t be solved immediately. What’s vital is your partner’s response—whether they are concerned about your well-being, has your best interests in mind, and is willing to work on things.

Five Secure Principles for Resolving Conflict Show basic concern for the other person’s well-being. Maintain focus on the problem at hand. Refrain from generalizing the conflict. Be willing to engage. Effectively communicate feelings and needs.

By forgoing closeness with our partners, we are also missing our oxytocin boost—making us less agreeable to the world around us and more vulnerable to conflict.

Fearful that their partner is likely to be inattentive to their needs, they feel they need to really leave their mark in order to be heard. Their response, though often dramatic, is usually ineffective.

found that both anxious people and avoidant people use fewer positive conflict-resolution tactics, express more aggression, and tend more toward withdrawal and escalation of conflict than secure people.

Unfortunately, neither can see beyond their own hurt to comprehend the larger picture or what is going on with the other person.

In fact, one study found that 73 percent of over three hundred university student participants were willing to sacrifice the majority of their goals in life for a romantic relationship.

It’s tempting to forget that, in fact, people have very different capacities for intimacy.

What we learned from watching the film is just how hard it is to let go of concepts we’ve believed in our entire lives—no matter how unhelpful they’ve been. But jettisoning these ideas is a necessary step; holding on to them can be highly destructive.