Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help You Find—and Keep—Love

by Amir Levine

Avoidants, it appears, are quick to think negatively about their partners, seeing them as needy and overly dependent—a major element in their view of relationships—but ignore their own needs and fears about relationships. They seemingly despise others for being needy and are themselves immune to those needs. But is that really the case?

In the second part of these studies, researchers distracted the avoidants by giving them another task to perform—like solving a puzzle or responding to another cue—while the word recognition task was going on. In these situations, the avoidants reacted to words related to their own attachment worries (“separation,” “loss,” “death”) just as quickly as other people did. Distracted by another task, their ability to repress lessened and their true attachment feelings and concerns were able to surface. The experiments show that although you may be avoidant, your attachment “machinery” is still in place—making you just as vu...

Other studies have found that faced with a stressful life event, such as divorce, the birth of a severely disabled child, or military trauma, avoidants’ defenses are quick to break down and they then appear and behave just like people with an anxious attachment style.

If you’re avoidant, you connect with romantic partners but always maintain some mental distance and an escape route.

A deactivating strategy is any behavior or thought that is used to squelch intimacy. These strategies suppress our attachment system, the biological mechanism in our brains responsible for our desire to seek closeness with a preferred partner.

Studies show that belief in self-reliance is very closely linked with a low degree of comfort with intimacy and closeness. Although avoidant individuals were found to have a great deal of confidence about not needing anyone else, their belief came with a price tag: They scored lowest on every measure of closeness in personal relationships. They were less willing to engage in self-disclosure, less comfortable with intimacy, and also less likely to seek help from others.

One of the consequences of devaluing your romantic relationship is that you often wake up long after the relationship has gone stale, having forgotten all those negative things that annoyed you about your partner, wondering what went wrong and reminiscing longingly about your long-lost love. We call it the phantom-ex phenomenon.

once the avoidant person has put time and distance between themself and the partner whom they’ve lost interest in, something strange happens: The feelings of love and admiration return! Once at a safe distance, the threat of intimacy is gone and you no longer feel the need to suppress your true feelings. You

Sometimes you do try to resume the relationship, starting a vicious cycle of getting closer and withdrawing.

This fixation with a past partner affects budding new relationships, because it acts as a deactivating strategy, blocking you from getting close to someone else.

EIGHT THINGS YOU CAN START DOING TODAY TO STOP PUSHING LOVE AWAY Learn to identify deactivating strategies.

De-emphasize self-reliance and focus on mutual support. When your partner feels they have a secure base to fall back on (and doesn’t feel the need to work hard to get close), and when you don’t feel the need to distance yourself, you’ll both be better able to look outward and do your own thing. You’ll become more independent and your partner will be less needy.

Find a secure partner.

Someone with an anxious attachment style, however, will exacerbate your avoidance—often in a perpetual vicious cycle.

Be aware of your tendency to misinterpret behaviors. Negative views of your partner’s behaviors and intentions infuse bad vibes into the relationship. Change this pattern! Recognize this tendency, notice when it happens, and look for a more plausible perspective. Remind yourself that this is your partner, you chose to be together, and that maybe you’re better off trusting that they do have your best interests at heart.

Make a relationship gratitude list.

Remind yourself on a daily basis that you tend to think negatively of your partner or date. It is simply part of your makeup if you have an avoidant attachment style. Your objective should ...

List at least one way your partner contributed, even in a minor way, to your well-being, and why you’re grateful they’re in your life.

Nix the phantom ex. When you find yourself idealizing that one special ex-partner, stop and acknowledge that they are not (and never were) a viable option.

Forget about “the one.”

Adopt the distraction strategy.

Focusing on other things—taking a hike, going sailing, or preparing a meal together—will allow you to let your guard down and make it easier to access your loving feelings. Use this little trick to promote closeness in your time together. • • •

Time and again, research shows that the best predictor of happiness in a relationship is a secure attachment style.

individuals with a secure attachment style report higher levels of satisfaction in their relationships than people with other attachment styles.

In a separate experiment, researchers got observers to rate couples’ functioning during a joint interaction. It’s no surprise that secure couples—those in which both partners were secure—functioned better than insecure couples—those in which both partners were either anxious or avoidant. But what was more interesting was that there was no observed difference between secure couples and “mixed” couples—those with only one secure partner. They both showed less conflict and were rated as better functioning than were the “insecure” dyads.

So not only do people with a secure attachment style fare better in relationships, they also create a buffering effect, somehow managing to raise their insecure partner’s relationship satisfaction and functioning to their own high level. This is a very important finding. It means that if you’re with someone secure, they nurture you into a more secure stance.

It was then that she realized what a wonderfully supportive husband Stan was. If he had attacked her out of the blue, she’d have struck back and World War III would have broken out. She wouldn’t have stayed collected enough to see what was really going on, to understand that it wasn’t about her but about him. Stan’s ability to handle the situation in the way he did required a real emotional gift. “I have to remember how good it feels to be on the receiving end of that and offer some in return someday,” she thought to herself.

People with a secure attachment style, like Stan, are characterized by something very real but not outwardly visible—they are programmed to expect their partners to be loving and responsive and don’t worry much about losing their partners’ love. They feel extremely comfortable with intimacy and closeness and have an uncanny ability to communicate their needs and respond to their partners’ needs.

They are: Great conflict busters—During

don’t feel the need to act defensively or to injure or punish their partner, and so prevent the situation from escalating.

Mentally flexible—They are not threatened...

Effective communicators—They

Not game players—They

Comfortable with closeness, unconcerned about boundaries—They

Because they aren’t overwhelmed by a fear of being slighted (as are the anxious) or the need to deactivate (as are the avoidants), they find it easy to enjoy closeness, whether physical or emotional.

Quick to forgive—They assume their partners’ intentions are good and are therefore likely to forgive them ...

Inclined to view sex and emotional intima...

Treat their partners like royalty—When you’ve become part of their inner circle, they treat you with love and respect.

Secure in their power to improve the relationship—They

Responsible for their partners’ well-being—They expect others to be responsive and loving toward them and so are responsive to others’ needs.

Many people who live with insecure partners cannot even begin to imagine how fundamentally different life with a secure person can

the secure party engulfs their partner in an emotionally protective shield that makes facing the outside world an easier task.

John Bowlby believed that attachment styles are a function of life experience—especially of our interaction with our parents during infancy. A person will develop a secure attachment style if her parents are sensitive and responsive to her needs.

In 2000, Leslie Atkinson, who conducts child development research at Ryerson University in Toronto, in collaboration with several other colleagues, conducted a meta-analysis that was based on forty-one prior studies. In total, the study analyzed over two thousand parent-child pairs to evaluate the connection between parent sensitivity and child attachment style. The results showed a weak but significant link between the two—children of mothers who were sensitive to their needs were more likely to have a secure attachment style, but the weak link means that, aside from methodological issues, there could be many other variables that come into play to determine a child’s attachment style. Among the factors that were found to increase a child’s chance of being secure were an easy temperament (which makes it easier for parents to be responsive), positive maternal conditions—marital satisfaction, low stress and depression, and social support—and fewer hours with a nonparental caretaker.

Omri Gillath, from the University of Kansas, and his colleagues from the University of California, Davis, discovered that a specific pattern of the dopamine receptor DRD2 allele is associated with the anxious attachment style, whereas a variant of the serotonin 5-HT1A receptor was linked to avoidance. These two genes are known to play a role in many brain functions, including emotions, reward, attention, and importantly, also in social behavior and pair bonding. The authors conclude that “attachment insecurities are partially explained by particular genes, although there is still a great deal of individual difference variance that remains to be explained by other genes or social experiences.” In other words, genes may play an important role in determining our attachment style.

it seems that an entire mosaic of factors comes together to create this attachment pattern: our early connection with our parents, our genes, and also something else—our romantic experiences as adults. On average, about 70 to 75 percent of adults remain consistently in the same attachment category at different points in their lives, while the remaining 25 to 30 percent of the population report a change in their attachment style.

Researchers attribute this change to romantic relationships in adulthood that are so powerful that they actually revise our most basic beliefs and attitudes toward connectedness. And yes, that change can happen in both directions—secure people can become less secure and people who were originally insecure can become increasingly secure.

one of the most important roles we play in our partners’ lives is providing a secure base: creating the conditions that enable our partners to pursue their interests and explore the world in confidence.

Be available: Respond sensitively to their distress, allow them to be dependent on you when they feel the need, check in with them from time to time, and provide comfort when things go wrong.

Don’t interfere: Provide behind-the-scenes support for their endeavors. Help in a way that leaves them with the initiative and the feeling of power. Allow them to do their own thing without trying to take over the situation, micromanage, or undermine their confidence and abilities.