Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help You Find—and Keep—Love

by Amir Levine

Embracing the notion of the “perfect” partner is one of the most powerful tools an avoidant can use to keep someone else at bay.

deactivating strategy, blocking you from getting close to someone else.

deactivating strategy, unconsciously triggered to turn off your attachment needs.

It means that if you’re with someone secure, they nurture you into a more secure stance.

they are programmed to expect their partners to be loving and responsive and don’t worry much about losing their partners’ love. They feel extremely comfortable with intimacy and closeness and have an uncanny ability to communicate their needs and respond to their partners’ needs.

Secures

keep an even emotional keel in the face of threat—comes

a specific pattern of the dopamine receptor DRD2 allele is associated with the anxious attachment style,

Tanya assumes that if her partner treats her disrespectfully, it’s indicative of his inability to be responsive in a relationship, and not of her own worth.

Never taking blame for a date’s offensive behavior. When a partner acts inconsiderately or hurtfully, secures acknowledge that it says a lot about the other person rather than about themselves.

If you’re secure but start to feel agitated, worried, or jealous (anxious traits), or if you find yourself thinking twice before expressing your feelings, or are becoming less trusting of or starting to play games with your partner (avoidant traits), it is a huge warning sign and very likely that you’re with the wrong person

It is better to find a way to heal the wounds and maintain the hope that there are other people out there who share your need for intimacy and closeness. You can be happy again.