Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help You Find—and Keep—Love

by Amir Levine

adults show patterns of attachment to their romantic partners similar to the patterns of attachment of children with their parents.

Today, however, we know that attachment styles in adulthood are influenced by a variety of factors, one of which is the way our parents cared for us, but other factors also come into play, including our life experiences.

the need to be near someone special is so important that the brain has a biological mechanism specifically responsible for creating and regulating our connection with our attachment figures (parents, children, and romantic partners). This mechanism, called the attachment system, consists of emotions and behaviors that ensure that we remain safe and protected by staying close to our loved ones.

That sinking feeling in the pit of your stomach and the accompanying hysteria you’d feel would be your attachment system at work. Your frantic calls to the airport would be your protest behavior.

People whom she would have spent days agonizing over in the past—analyzing what they were thinking, whether they would call or whether they were serious about her—fell by the wayside effortlessly. Instead Tamara’s thoughts were focused on assessing whether the new people she met had the capacity to be close and loving in the way that she wanted them to be.

Attachment principles teach us that most people are only as needy as their unmet needs.

Numerous studies show that once we become attached to someone, the two of us form one physiological unit. Our partner regulates our blood pressure, our heart rate, our breathing, and the levels of hormones in our blood.

when two people form an intimate relationship, they regulate each other’s psychological and emotional well-being.

If, on the other hand, you are not satisfied with your marriage, contact with your partner will actually raise your blood pressure, which will remain elevated as long as you are in physical proximity!

may this type of love never find me

If you are both uncomfortable with intimacy and very concerned about your partner’s availability, you have a rare combination of attachment anxiety and avoidance. Only a small percentage of the population falls into this category and if you are one of them, you can benefit from information on both the anxious and avoidant attachment styles.

Is open to starting a new relationship even when circumstances aren’t ideal (e.g., when work/studies take up much time).

expressing your needs and true feelings can be a useful litmus test of the other person’s capacity to meet your needs.

What goes unsaid or undone by your partner can be just as informative as what they are doing and saying. Trust your gut feeling.

This is a good opportunity to look beyond what is said to what is not said: If you don’t get a clear understanding of why this person hasn’t met “the one” even though he’s dated a

great number of women, you should try to read between the lines.

If you just wait a little longer before reacting and jumping to conclusions, you will have an uncanny ability to decipher the world around you and use it to your advantage. But shoot from the hip, and you’re all over the place making misjudgments and hurting yourself.

If only she had met a good guy sooner—one who didn’t continually activate her attachment system—she would have spared herself from the unnecessary scrutiny of her “masochistic borderline personality traits.”

Fortunately for Ryan, Shauna has a secure attachment style and was able, without much effort, to effectively respond to him, reestablish contact, and calm his attachment system.

These behaviors and strategies can also continue long after your partner is gone. This is part of what heartache is all about—the longing for someone who is no longer available to us when our biological and emotional makeup is programmed to try to win them back. Even if your rational mind knows you shouldn’t be with this person, your attachment system doesn’t always comply.

David’s subtle indicators of uncertainty and unavailability made her feel insecure.

He (or she) calls, but takes his time about it; he’s interested in you, but lets you understand that he’s still playing the field. You are left guessing. Every time you get mixed messages, your attachment system is activated and you become preoccupied with the relationship.

You start to equate the anxiety, the preoccupation, the obsession, and those ever-so-short bursts of joy with love. What you’re really doing is equating an activated attachment system with passion.

If you’ve been at it for a while, you become programmed to get attracted to those very individuals who are least likely to make you happy.

True love, in the evolutionary sense, means peace of mind.

As a result, your attachment system remains relatively calm. Because you are used to equating an activated attachment system with love, you conclude that this can’t be “the one” because no bells are going off. You associate a calm attachment system with boredom and indifference. Because of this fallacy you might let the perfect partner pass you by.

Don’t let emotional unavailability turn you on.

If Janet had let her authentic self shine through and used effective communication to voice her feelings and needs, she would have ended the sad ordeal much earlier, knowing she had given it her best shot but that Brian was simply incapable of providing what she needed.

By using the abundance philosophy, you maintain your ability to evaluate potential partners more objectively. What you are actually doing is desensitizing your attachment system and tricking it into being easier on you. Your system will no longer get so easily activated by one person because it will be busy evaluating the availability of a lot of different people, and you won’t be as likely to obsess about anyone in particular. You can quickly rule out people if they make you feel insecure or inadequate, because you haven’t built all your hopes on them. Why would you waste time with someone who is unkind to you when you have several other potential partners lined up who treat you like royalty?

“This person is just not right for me, but the next one might be.”

Once you’ve recognized someone you’ve met as secure, remember not to make impulsive decisions about whether they are right for you. Remind yourself that you might feel bored at first—after all, there is less drama when your attachment system isn’t activated. Give it some time. Chances are, if you are anxious, you will automatically interpret calmness in the relationship as a lack of attraction. A habit of years is not easy to shed. But if you hold out a little longer, you may start to appreciate a calm attachment system and all the advantages it has to offer.

This fixation with a past partner affects budding new relationships, because it acts as a deactivating strategy, blocking you from getting close to someone else. Even though you’ll probably never get back together with your phantom ex, just the knowledge that they’re out there is enough to make any new partner seem insignificant by comparison.

What you don’t realize is that this surge of negativity could in fact be a deactivating strategy, unconsciously triggered to turn off your attachment needs.

Don’t act on your impulse. When you’re excited about someone but then suddenly have a gut feeling that they are not right for you, stop and think. Is this actually a deactivating strategy? Are all those small imperfections you’re starting to notice really your attachment system’s way of making you step back? Remind yourself that this picture is skewed and that you need intimacy despite your discomfort with it. If you thought they were great to begin with, you have a lot to lose by pushing them away.