Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help You Find—and Keep—Love

by Amir Levine

Once we choose a partner, there is no question about whether dependency exists or not. It always does. An elegant coexistence that does not include uncomfortable feelings of vulnerability and fear of loss sounds good but is not our biology.

Instead of thinking how you can change yourself in order to please your partner, as so many relationship books advise, think: Can this person provide what I need in order to be happy?

A deactivating strategy is any behavior or thought that is used to squelch intimacy. These strategies suppress our attachment system, the biological mechanism in our brains responsible for our desire to seek closeness with a preferred partner.

Remind yourself that this picture is skewed and that you need intimacy despite your discomfort with it. If you thought they were great to begin with, you have a lot to lose by pushing them away.

Be aware of your tendency to misinterpret behaviors. Negative views of your partner’s behaviors and intentions infuse bad vibes into the relationship.

Make them into your soul mate by choosing them out of the crowd, allowing them to get close (using the strategies we offer in this chapter) and making them a special part of you.