Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help You Find—and Keep—Love

by Amir Levine

Research on attachment repeatedly shows that when your need for intimacy is met and reciprocated by your partner, your satisfaction level will rise.

When couples disagree about the degree of closeness and intimacy desired in a relationship, the issue eventually threatens to dominate all of their dialogue. We call this situation the “anxious-avoidant trap,” because like a trap, you fall into it with no awareness, and like a trap, once you’re caught, it’s hard to break free.

The reason people in an anxious-avoidant relationship find it particularly hard to move toward more security is primarily because they are trapped in a cycle of exacerbating each other’s insecurities.

Are we really fighting about this? You may feel that you’re constantly fighting about things you shouldn’t be fighting about at all. In fact, your fights aren’t about these minor problems but about something else altogether—the amount of intimacy between you.

Conflict is often left unresolved because the resolution itself creates too much intimacy.

However, the resolution itself often brings a couple closer together—this is a scenario that, however unconsciously, the avoidant partner wants to avoid.

Studies have found that security “priming”—reminding people of security-enhancing experiences they’ve had—can help them to create a greater sense of security. When people can recall a past relationship with a secure person or be inspired by a secure role model in their lives, they are often successful at adopting secure ways.

Examples of Secure Principles Be available. Don’t interfere. Act encouragingly. Communicate effectively. Don’t play games. View yourself as responsible for your partner’s well-being. Wear your heart on your sleeve—be courageous and honest in your interactions. Maintain focus on the problem at hand. Don’t make generalizations during conflict. Douse the flame before it becomes a forest fire—attend to your partner’s upsets before they escalate.

There is a major difference between couples who are dealing with non-attachment-related issues and those who are engaged in intimacy struggles.

Yet every instance of their closeness was followed by his distancing, which is typical of anxious-avoidant relationships.

Being near her sister in a familiar, nurturing environment helped with one aspect of her distressed attachment system; talking to her friends on the phone and getting their support was another; eating ice cream and chocolate, yet another. None of these comforts completely relieved her separation distress, and sometimes she lost sight of why she had needed to break up with Craig. Then her friends and family would remind her, sometimes on an hourly basis, why it was necessary.

Remind yourself that your attachment system is distorting your perspective on the relationship. Ask a friend to remind you how things really were. Even if you sometimes miss or idealize your ex, reality will slowly sink in.

Write down all the reasons you wanted to leave. Your objective is to deactivate your attachment system. The best way to do so is to recall the bad moments in the relationship, and the best way to keep them fresh is to write them down. Take a peek at the list when those invasive positive memories creep into mind.

Expressing your needs and expectations to your partner in a direct, nonaccusatory manner is an incredibly powerful tool. Though it’s used naturally by people with a secure attachment style, it is often counterintuitive for people whose attachment style is anxious or avoidant.

If you’re anxious, you have a strong need for closeness and have to be reassured at all times that your partner loves and respects you. If you’re avoidant, you need to be able to maintain some distance, either emotional or physical, from your partner and preserve a large degree of separateness. In order to be happy in a relationship, we need to find a way to communicate our attachment needs clearly without resorting to attacks or defensiveness.

To make sure your needs are met in the relationship, whether it is a brand-new one or one of long standing. By spelling out your needs, you are making it a lot easier for your partner to meet them. They don’t need to guess whether something is bothering you—or what that something is.

Of course, effective communication means that you communicate in a way that is inoffensive and does not put your partner on the spot, but allows them to be open with you without feeling attacked, criticized, or blamed.

Often, insecure people cannot get in touch with what is really bothering them. They get overwhelmed by emotions and lash out.

Therefore, despite your understandable fear of getting hurt, we advise you to avoid protest behavior by taking a leap of faith and adopting effective communication.

As someone with an avoidant attachment style, you are often unaware of your need for distance and separateness—you feel the need to get away but don’t understand why. When you get that feeling, you may assume that you’re beginning to be less attracted to your partner, in which case, what is there to talk about?

If you are avoidant, the first step, therefore, is to acknowledge your need for space—whether emotional or physical—when things get too close, and then learn how to communicate that need.

Don’t blame. Never make your partner feel selfish, incompetent, or inadequate. Effective communication is not about highlighting the other person’s shortcomings, and making accusations will quickly lead you away from the point and into a dueling match.

Five Secure Principles for Resolving Conflict Show basic concern for the other person’s well-being. Maintain focus on the problem at hand. Refrain from generalizing the conflict. Be willing to engage. Effectively communicate feelings and needs.

The next time you decide to skip the Sunday morning cuddle in bed for a chance to catch up on your work—think again. This small act might be enough to immunize your relationship against conflict for the next few days.

A general word of advice: It’s always more effective to assume the best in conflict situations. In fact, expecting the worst—which is typical of people with insecure attachment styles—often acts as a self-fulfilling prophecy.

Insecure Conflict Strategies to Avoid Getting sidetracked from the real problem. Neglecting to effectively communicate your feelings and needs. Reverting to personal attacks and destructiveness. Reacting “tit for tat” to a partner’s negativity with more negativity. Withdrawing. Forgetting to focus on the other’s well-being.

She fears that because she spoke her mind, the relationship may end, so she tries to undo the damage by apologizing for raising the subject in the first place. By doing so Daria is agreeing to a new unspoken pact in the relationship: that her feelings and concerns are not that important.

He maintains focus on the problem, answers in a straightforward way (“I’m really exhausted . . .”), and shows a genuine awareness for his wife’s well-being by validating her concern (“I am very worried about this too”).

And when one person’s need for closeness is met with another person’s need for independence and distance, a lot of unhappiness ensues.

The third hard-to-shed misconception we fell for is that we alone are responsible for our emotional needs; they are not our partner’s responsibility.

In a true partnership, both partners view it as their responsibility to ensure the other’s emotional well-being.

We believe that every person deserves to experience the benefits of a secure bond. When our partner acts as our secure base and emotional anchor, we derive strength and encouragement to go out into the world and make the most of ourselves. They are there to help us become the best person we can be, as we are for them.

Don’t Lose Sight of These Facts: Your attachment needs are legitimate. You shouldn’t feel bad for depending on the person you are closest to—it is part of your genetic makeup. A relationship, from an attachment perspective, should make you feel more self-confident and give you peace of mind. If it doesn’t, this is a wake-up call! And above all, remain true to your authentic self—playing games will only distance you from your ultimate goal of finding true happiness, be it with your current partner or with someone else.