Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help You Find—and Keep—Love

by Amir Levine

people with a secure attachment style are more likely than others to forgive their partner for wrongdoing.

“Forgiveness requires difficult regulatory maneuvers . . . understanding a transgressor’s needs and motives, and making generous attributions and appraisals concerning the transgressor’s traits and hurtful actions. . . . Secure people are likely to offer relatively benign explanations of their partners’ hurtful actions and be inclined to forgive the partner.”

THE FIVE PRINCIPLES OF EFFECTIVE COMMUNICATION Like the concept of effective communication, the principles are also very straightforward: Wear your heart on your sleeve. Effective communication requires being genuine and completely honest about your feelings. Be emotionally brave! Focus on your needs. The idea is to get your needs across. When expressing your needs, we are always referring to needs that take your partner’s well-being into consideration as well. If they end up hurting him or her, you’re sure to get hurt too; after all, you and your partner are an emotional unit. When expressing your needs, it’s helpful to use verbs such as need, feel, and want, which focus on what you are trying to accomplish and not on your partner’s shortcomings: “I need to feel confident in the relationship. When you chat up the waitress, I feel like I’m on thin ice.” “I feel devalued when you contradict me in front of your friends. I need to feel that you respect my opinions.” “I want to know I can trust you. When you go to bars with your friends, I worry a lot that you’ll cheat on me.” Be specific. If you speak in general terms, your partner may not understand exactly what you really need, which may lower his or her chances of getting it right. State precisely what is bothering you: When you don’t stay the night . . . When you don’t check up on me every day . . . When you said you loved me and then took it back . . . Don’t blame. Never make your partner feel selfish, incompetent, or in...

Five Principles of Effective Communication