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The summer months, like the holidays, tend to be times for self-indulgence rather than self-discipline. Deciding to change when the external environment is most supportive—on New Year’s Day or after a birthday—can be helpful. These are auspicious times to reevaluate your life and take action to enhance it.
Go public Don’t make the mistake of keeping your commitment secret. Going public with your intended change increases anxiety, since you may feel embarrassed if you fail. Public commitments are more powerful than private pledges.
the cons of changing are more important than the pros for people in the precontemplation stage. The opposite is true for people in the action stage in eleven out of twelve problems.
Real, effective action begins with commitment. Once the commitment to change is made, it is time to move; in the action stage the focus is on the processes of control, countering, and reward, with a continuing emphasis on the importance of helping relationships.
There is no more beneficial substitute for problem behaviors than exercise.
Whenever your response is more assertive than a situation warrants, it will probably be experienced as aggression, and it will generate counteraggression rather than compliance. If you are unsure whether your action is assertive or aggressive, complete the following mental checklist: Did I express my rights? Did I respect his or her rights? Was I specific about a behavior change?
Avoidance is not a sign of weakness or poor self-control; in fact, effective self-control includes the ability to prevent a problem from starting.
Don’t take guilt trips Scolding, nagging, preaching, and embarrassing are not forms of support. Write in your contract that helpers should not use these “methods,” even if they are well intentioned, because they increase distress and eventually backfire on the helper.
Keep it positive Many family members are mute supporters for seven consecutive days of progress, but become vocal critics the one day you slip. Tell them at the start that reinforcement is superior to punishment in behavior change, and ask them to monitor the ratio of their positive to negative comments; we recommend at least three compliments for every criticism.
Seek support for life If you are short on significant others, or if family and/or friends cannot give you the support you need, find a local support group. People who are struggling with the same problems can reinforce you, guide you through the rough spots, and remind you of the benefits of changing.
Two factors are fundamental to successful maintenance: sustained, long-term effort, and a revised lifestyle.
Overconfidence can also beget daily temptation, to which you intentionally and unnecessarily subject yourself regularly. Overconfident alcoholics keep a bottle of booze in their desk drawer, to “remind” themselves. Ex-smokers stash a pack or two at home to “test willpower.” Dieters buy high-calorie goodies “just in case company drops in.” Intentionally exposing yourself to substances or situations you are trying to avoid is not a sign of strength, a measure of willpower, or a positive reminder. Sooner or later temptation wins and you lose.
Giving credit to others is admirable to a degree, but it has its dangers. By not accepting responsibility and credit for liberating yourself, you undermine your self-confidence, your self-esteem, and your commitment. If you think others are responsible for your success, how can you maintain it yourself?
In maintaining weight loss, overeating may not be the first danger sign. Instead, the early warning signs may involve a lessening of commitment to the new lifestyle. Maybe you and your family return to sitting in front of the TV, and suddenly it becomes “too late” or “too hard” to exercise.
How, then, can you maintain your commitment? First, jot down the difficulties you encountered in your early change efforts. Review the list you made from months ago of the negative aspects of your problem behavior. Keep both lists in a safe place, look at them periodically, and refer to them at the first sign of slipping. During the maintenance stage, they can act as psychic booster shots.
Controlling your environment never signifies weakness but, rather, intelligence, health, and foresight.
What you think and say to yourself has profound effects on your behavior; negative thinking can pose serious problems. Your attitudes toward a problem remain as important in the maintenance stage as your ability to deal with that problem, the quality of your life without it, and the consequences of possible relapse.
Self-efficacy* refers to how you rate your ability to perform specific tasks related to your problem. Related to self-esteem and self-confidence, self-efficacy can be an aid to evaluating how you see yourself. As you change, your confidence will grow, and your self-efficacy level will rise.
Most people slip along the way—go off their diets, fail to be assertive with a boss or lover, or take a drink. How do you keep these momentary slips from turning into major relapses?
Slips are usually the result of overwhelming stress or insufficient coping skills.
People around you are often extremely supportive while you are in the action stage. Soon they take your change for granted. One person who recently kicked his habit complained to me: “I wish they would keep up the congratulations for as long as they kept giving me grief about my drug use. How soon they forget!”
it is more important than ever to have an understanding person nearby during maintenance, especially when you are experiencing a crisis that could lead to a relapse.
Put your helper on call Make a “crisis card” to put in your wallet or pocketbook. On this card write a list of the negative aspects of your problem, as well as a set of instructions to follow when you are seriously tempted to slip.
Therapists who teach “drink refusal skills” like to suggest alternative behaviors. A helper can encourage the self-changer to ask for a club soda, a second helping of salad, or a piece of gum. Helpers can assist you in practicing assertion skills by having you insist that they stop tempting you. Above all, they can discourage you from making temporary excuses—“Not tonight,” “I have a cold,” “I’m on medication.” These
many people report that helping others is a key to helping themselves maintain change. The psychiatrist Karl Menninger liked to say, “Love cures people—both the ones who give it and the ones who receive it.”
short-term ecstasies—eating, drinking, or taking drugs—create long-term agonies.
It’s rare to overcome a problem on your first attempt. Clinical research indicates that only about 20 percent of the population permanently conquers long-standing problems on the first try. This means that the vast majority of self-changers relapse.
Few self-changers realize how much change costs, and consequently fail to budget enough time, energy, or money. You may recognize that it took years to establish your problem behavior, but believe unrealistically that you can reverse this deeply embedded pattern in a few weeks. In reality, it takes an average of about six months of concerted action before you may be ready to move into maintenance.
What is needed is a commitment over time to an action plan that exploits all that the processes have to offer. The lack of such a commitment leads to insufficient effort, an attempt to move into maintenance too soon and eventually and predictably, relapse.
Misusing willpower When people attempt to change and fail, they frequently conclude that they have not used enough willpower. We have already discussed how excessive reliance on willpower at the expense of other change processes can lead to failure and frustration.
If one swallow does not make a summer, one slip does not make a fall. In changing your problem behavior, you are likely to slip at times and lapse into old ways. A lapse does not mean that you have failed, or that a complete relapse is inevitable; you may still win the battle the next time around.
Researchers consistently find that distress (including anger, anxiety, depression, loneliness, and other emotional problems) is involved in 60 to 70 percent of relapses in alcohol, drug, smoking, and eating problems.
Marital problems and work conflicts are two primary reasons for seeking help, and surely these do not make a person “crazy.”
Recurring problems All changers require helping relationships. If your emotional distress has been prolonged or severe, you may profit from enlisting a professional helper.
A new self-image Short-term change may be transitory, or it may result from temporary but unsustained action, developmental events, or just plain luck. However, if a significant revision in your attitude and self-image takes place during the maintenance stage, there is a good chance you will approach termination.
Freedom and determinism have all too long been paired as polar opposites. Personal freedom requires a deterministic world which is predictable and controllable. One of the most terrifying problems is to experience our lives as being unpredictable and uncontrollable.
Foolish freedom is reactive—reacting just to keep from being controlled or reacting to immediate consequences. Responsible freedom is interactive—interacting with feedback and information about how changing our behavior can be beneficial to ourselves and to others. You don’t have to resist if someone is trying to change you for good reasons. You can interact with the person and his or her reasons. If that person influences you to change for good, so much the better for both of you.
