It's Kind of a Funny Story

by Ned Vizzini

I’m jealous. But then again, I’m beyond jealous.

it’s not the pot—which blend into the dark brown to make two big saucer eyes, holes in me. Wisps of hair above my upper lip. This is Craig. And I always look like I’m about to cry.

I’m more than two thirds adult and I’m pretty disrespectful,

He’s a trip in his own way,

I sleep, I sleep like I should, like a hunter who just brought home a kill…

made. If the dog can live, I can eat. I hold it. I make a fist. I tense my muscles.

I know I’ll be warm; I’ll have the warmth in me of a body having just been through a trauma.

telling him that I thought I was getting a contact high when really I was just feeling like I had stepped into a new groove. At

with that crazy sleeping-at-someone-else’s-house energy.

It was like I was dating, except I didn’t get to make out with any of the girls—and I was also bi because I met up with guys.

So random

But things come full circle, baby,

I look at myself in the bathroom light. Yes, I’m okay. I’m okay because I have a plan and a solution: I’m going to kill myself.

What what what??? Too sudden

It’s time for me to be true to myself, like the pop stars say. And my true self wants to blast off this rock.

With Dr. Minerva I talk about my Tentacles and Anchors. Here’s something for you, Doctor: my parents are now part of the Tentacles, and my friends too. My Tentacles have Tentacles, and I’m never going to cut them off. But my Anchor, that’s easy: it’s killing myself. That’s what gets me through the day. Knowing that I could do it. That I’m strong enough to do it and I can get it done.

I go into my room and pull out clothes to sleep in, stash another pile to die in.

I don’t like to spend money. Every time I spend it, I feel as if I’m being raped. I

I’m still a nobody. When am I going to not be a nobody?

I’m about to get revealed as a fake, I’ve already been revealed as a fake but I don’t know it yet; I know I’m a fake and pretend not to. All

Mom won’t let me take the bike to school so I’ve never ridden over a bridge—this’ll be the first time. I don’t think I’ll wear my helmet.

Ironic

realize, and I haven’t even had sex—I’m going to die a virgin. Does that mean I go to heaven? No, according to the Bible, suicide is a sin and I go straight to hell, what a gyp.

It’s such a silly little thing, the heart.

Screw it. I want my heart. I want my heart but my brain is acting up.

Great. I’m common even in suicide.

1-800-SUICIDE! Of course! I should’ve known. This is America. Everyone has a 1-800 number.

I look at what she’s typing on the screen. Under “reason for admission,” she puts SUICIDAL IDEATION. That would be a good band name, I think.