It's Kind of a Funny Story

by Ned Vizzini

have a system with bathrooms. I spend a lot of time in them. They are sanctuaries, public places of peace spaced throughout the world for people like me.

Real

And I always look like I’m about to cry.

Of course I wasn’t abused. If I were, things would be so simple. I’d have a reason for being in shrinks’ offices. I’d have a justification and something that I could work on.

F

Like, for example, my American History class last week, which necessitated me writing a paper on the weapons of the Revolutionary War, which necessitated me traveling to the Metropolitan Museum to check out some of the old guns, which necessitated me getting in the subway, which necessitated me being away from my cell phone and e-mail for 45 minutes, which meant that I didn’t get to respond to a mass mail sent out by my teacher asking who needed extra credit, which meant other kids snapped up the extra credit, which meant I wasn’t going to get a 98 in the class, which meant I wasn’t anywhere close to a 98.6 average (body temperature, that’s what you needed to get), which meant I wasn’t going to get into a Good College, which meant I wasn’t going to have a Good Job, which meant I wasn’t going to have health insurance, which meant I’d have to pay tremendous amounts of money for the shrinks and drugs my brain needed, which meant I wasn’t going to have enough money to pay for a Good Lifestyle, which meant I’d feel ashamed, which meant I’d get depressed, and that was the big one because I knew what that did to me: it made it so I wouldn’t get out of bed, which led to the ultimate thing—homelessness.

Fr

I want there to be a Shift so bad. I want to feel my brain slide back into the slot it was meant to be in, rest there the way it did before the fall of last year, back when I was young, and witty, and my teachers said I had incredible promise, and I had incredible promise, and I spoke up in class because I was excited and smart about the world. I want the Shift so bad.

Real

Kkkk

He introduced me to the table conversation about what Princess Zelda would be like in bed—I said she’d be terrible, because she’d been locked up in dungeons since puberty, but Aaron said that’d make her super hot.

Sublime’s 40oz to Freedom,

Reall

Dr. Barney stared at me, his lips puckered. What was he so serious about? Who hasn’t thought about killing themselves, as a kid? How can you grow up in this world and not think about it?

F

But you know what, it’s time for me to stop putting other people’s emotions ahead of my own. It’s time for me to be true to myself, like the pop stars say. And my true self wants to blast off this rock. I’ll do it tonight. Late tonight. In the morning, specifically. I’ll get up and bike to the Brooklyn Bridge and throw myself off it.

Oh

That would be a good band name, I think.

Real

Here in the real world, all equals are created animal, but some are more animal than others.

Hes onto nothing ong

“Where are you, Craig?”

Lol

North is the real world. You make friends and have a pithy

Sort of an alpha male.

Stay in thrre lomger craig

look at my crotch. I’m springing up. I can’t help it.

dude

Noelle rolls her eyes. I think her breasts roll in synch with them. Girls’ breasts are so amazing.

Craig lock tf in

“You’re out there about your problems,” I say. “You put them on your face.”

B fr

“And in Africa your scarring would be highly prized.”

srsly

“I heard…that you were making your brains for people,” she says. “That’s right! And you know who the first person who said they were brains was?” “Me!”

skidding

Skibidi

“This I have not heard in so long!” He’s grinning so much I think his glasses are going to fall off.

Muq w glasses

So now live for real, Craig. Live. Live. Live. Live. Live.