The Center Cannot Hold: My Journey Through Madness

by Elyn R. Saks

From time to time, I considered asking the flight attendant whether she would mind if I jumped out the emergency door. Other than that, it was an uneventful flight.

This is a classic bind for psychiatric patients. They’re struggling with thoughts of wanting to hurt themselves or others, and at the same time, they desperately need the help of those they’re threatening to harm. The conundrum: Say what’s on your mind and there’ll be consequences; struggle to keep the delusions to yourself, and it’s likely you won’t get the help you need.

One day, I simply refused to take the Valium. Staff held me down and gave me a shot. I later read in my chart that Valium is not effective when given by injection. It just doesn’t work that way. Even without knowing that, I wondered whose needs were really being met on this unit.