The Center Cannot Hold: My Journey Through Madness

by Elyn R. Saks

had hanged herself the night before. I was stunned, as much by my friend’s tone as by the news she’d so calmly passed along to me. This patient had killed herself, I thought, over Dr. Hamilton. Why hadn’t staff noticed what was driving her and done something about it? Why hadn’t I done something? Didn’t anyone realize that she could have been me? In my fog of isolation and silence, I began to feel I was receiving commands to do things—such as walk all by myself through the old abandoned tunnels that lay underneath the hospital. The origin of the commands was unclear. In my mind, they were issued by some sort of beings. Not real people with names or faces, but shapeless, powerful beings that controlled me with thoughts (not voices) that had been placed in my head. Walk through the tunnels and repent. Now lie down and don’t move. You must be still. You are evil. The effect of those commands on me during those nights and days was powerful. It never occurred to me that disobedience was an option, although it was never clear what might happen if I disobeyed. I do not make the rules. I just follow them.