The Center Cannot Hold: My Journey Through Madness

by Elyn R. Saks

course, I had, and I knew it. Got to keep control, I thought. Get a grip. Keep a grip. In spite of my occasional lapse, these three dear friends made me happy, when for so long, nothing much had. They filled a place in my heart that needed filling; it was just like Kenny and Margie and Pat all over again—a small group of friends, laughing together, studying together, sharing a life that was focused on (indeed, held together by) our books, and our deadlines, and an emphasis on intellectual rigor. If I could make friends like these, I thought, then I could find a way to save myself. Despite sometimes being too sick to work, I was making progress on my degree. Some days, it was so slow and difficult that it felt like I was carving rocks, and there were times I lost faith that I’d ever be happy with my work, or produce enough of it to finish in an acceptable manner. But the daily routine kept forcing me to concentrate my mind and push the evil presences to the side.