Drinking allowed me to let down my guard and behave in a way that, when sober, felt uncomfortable. My alcohol abuse fell into its own strange scarcity loop. I longed not so much for alcohol as for the psychological state where I felt as if anything were possible. From wider experiences to unfiltered human connections. At the height of my drinking, I was working an unstimulating nine-to-five office job. I felt like a bull in a chute, poked and prodded and raring to go with a power plant of bound energy and yearning and no outlet for it. Alcohol would open the chute. My weekend drinking gave me
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