Depression: Looking up from the Stubborn Darkness

by Edward T. Welch

Depressive speech is poetic. Prose does not capture the experience, so it is either poetry or silence.

Depressed people are eloquent, even when they feel empty at their emotional core, devoid of personhood.

Depression . . . involves a complete absence: absence of affect, absence of feeling, absence of response, absence of interest. The pain you feel in the course of a major clinical depression is an attempt on nature’s part . . . to fill up the empty space. But for all intents and purposes, the deeply depressed are just the walking, waking dead.5

But it is not just pain. It feels like meaningless pain.

The thought that they might remain in this horrible state is too much to consider.

Self-reliance seems impossible. Infantile dependence is the only way to survive. Being alone is terrifying. Abandonment is a constant fear. “I fear everyone and everything.”

Anxiety was always present, and for no good reason it just got worse. I wanted to be out of the house, but I was scared to be alone.

But depression has a logic of its own. Once it settles in, it can’t distinguish between a loving embrace, the death of a close friend, and the news that a neighbor’s grass is growing.

The only thing you know is that you are guilty, shameful, and worthless. It is not that you have made mistakes in your life or sinned or reaped futility. It is that you are a mistake; you are sin; you are futility.

If forced to make distinctions, you might say that there are times that are worse than others, but who is able to measure different degrees of hell?

But you try to forget those times because the contrast between then and now is almost unbearable. You prefer numbness.

If depressed persons assume that their problem is fundamentally medical, asking them to look at their relationships or their basic beliefs about God will seem as useful as prescribing physical exercise for baldness. Exercise is always helpful, but it won’t grow hair.

You can be assured of this: God really does speak in our suffering, and we have good reason to believe that the words he says are good and powerful enough to lighten our pain.

Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. (James 1:2–4)

God is over all things, and nothing happens apart from his knowledge and will. By the time suffering or depression comes to our doorstep, God did it. To believe anything else is to opt for a universe that is random and out of control, without a guiding hand bringing all things to a purposeful and awe-inspiring conclusion.

For now, though, just orient yourself to seeing depression through the lens of suffering; remember that suffering can come from a number of different causes; and keep in mind that depression is always spiritual, in that it always directs our attention to the most important matters of human life.

In so doing, he opens a small window that provides glimpses of God’s character. As Joseph understood it, God could be a cause of hardship, but in such a way that even the hardship evidenced his goodness.

This is good news: you don’t have to know the exact cause of suffering in order to find hope and comfort.

Somehow, turning to God and trusting him with the mysteries of suffering is the answer to the problem of suffering.

Whom will I trust? Whom will I worship?

The more extreme the suffering, the more intense is the sense of aloneness.

Jesus Christ did not come to take away our pain and suffering, but to share in it.”2

As a sufferer, you should recognize Jesus’ sufferings; he certainly recognizes yours.

Jesus suffered; therefore, he knows our suffering.

Somehow, temporary suffering and love can go together.

You can sit in silence or cry to the Lord. You can cry on your bed or cry to the Lord. These are the two choices.

The cross of Christ expresses God’s delight in all who believe, and if you believe that Jesus is the risen Lord, he delights in and loves you.

Furthermore, the cross of Christ reveals that God’s purposes for your life are good.

As long as you struggle with depression, you will have to be particularly alert to it. Your goal isn’t to overcome it; your goal is to engage it with a growing knowledge of Jesus Christ.

Don’t forget that depression casts its shadow on everything, even faith.

Begin your day with “Yes, Lord, I believe,” however weak your faith may be.

In fact, to really be led by the psalm, we must realize that sin is our deepest problem, even deeper than our depression.

Sometimes you have to force-feed yourself. You aren’t hungry. You don’t want to eat. But you know you must. Now is a time to force-feed. Your spiritual health depends on it.

Put it this way: at the cross, Christ has taken your story of misery upon himself and he has given you his story of resurrection and hope.

When you put your faith in Jesus, everything changes.

“live as children of light”

These circumstances must also connect with an internal system of beliefs or an interpretive lens that will then plunge you down into depression.

Even chemical imbalances usually need help if they are to become depression, especially a depression accompanied by hopelessness and self-accusations.

When we go into the courtroom of the King of kings, we are in awe of him more than we are aware of ourselves.

Part of the depressive syndrome is that you are immensely loyal to your interpretation of yourself and your world. If God says you are forgiven in Christ, you create new rules that mandate contrition, penance, and self-loathing. If God says he loves you, you insist it is impossible. There it is: your system is higher than God’s.

Depression unveils our hearts.

Depression can feel like the severe pain of someone dying of cancer, but it can also be like the pain of surgery, which indicates that we are getting better. If both pains could be physically measured, they might be identical in their intensity, at least to a researcher. But the pain from surgery will seem less severe to the sufferer than the pain of cancer. The pain from surgery is making you better; the other is a sign that you are worse.

Depression, too, is an occasion for re-evaluating and changing.

If your trust is invested in anything other than Jesus, fear will eventually reign.

And when fear’s reign continues, it invites depression to rule with it.

This is THE problem of the human heart—misplaced trust.

All other loves must be subordinate to your love for Christ.

They did what God told them to do today, and they trusted him for tomorrow.

Will you turn to the true God, who shows compassion to those who have been victimized, or will you trust yourself?

“This is how my heavenly Father will treat each of you unless you forgive your brother from your heart.”