I didn’t know what ailed Papa or how to parse what part of him came from what. No one story neatly resolved or fully explained the tension I felt. The biggest thing I learned from reading these books and from watching you go back to him was that Papa would never change for you or for me. He could only change for himself. And I did not know if he could ever do that, because I did not know if he could ever love himself enough to want better for himself. And that thought made me very sad.
