They Called Us Exceptional: And Other Lies That Raised Us

by Prachi Gupta

The child who was raised to believe that hard work and intellect could overcome any problem took a chilling, clinical approach to solving a deeply emotional one: He believed he was not respected by white America’s elite. His extraordinary success hadn’t eased his pain. Instead, success gave his pain more power over him.

At home, Yush and I had both absorbed a casual sexism that was reinforced by the world outside. But, of course, as a woman, this affected me differently than Yush. The double standards that I eventually felt as constraints, Yush experienced as power.

The truth is, society doesn’t raise people to aspire to be kind or compassionate or happy. It pressures adults to achieve and accomplish. It teaches people that what matters more than their character or how they treat others or how they feel about themselves is how much money they can hoard, who they know, how famous they can get, and how much power they wield over others. Emotions have no basis in this framework. They are a nuisance, a hindrance, a distraction, a weakness.

Yet how do you distinguish between your true self and a persona when you’ve spent your life becoming what others expect you to be?

For years I did not understand how so much suffering was possible in a family who had prioritized success. After Yush died, I realized that this was precisely the source of our suffering: that we never understood ourselves, or one another, beyond our capacity to meet these expectations.

I did not get what I wanted, I am still okay.

Now I feel grateful for that rejection, because rejection forced me to learn to find value in myself, value that I had jockeyed to receive from others. I learned that I am not defined by how others perceive me. I learned that the limits of their acceptance are not a symptom of my failings. I am grateful, because not only did I survive, but I expanded. I grew in infinite directions. I learned that I am not done growing. I am just beginning.