On Grief and Grieving: Finding the Meaning of Grief Through the Five Stages of Loss

by Elisabeth Kübler-Ross

The saving grace of loss is that the hardships are an opportunity for growth.

Trying to control the uncontrollable ultimately becomes a living hell, and grief has a way of amplifying everything and making people slaves to their own behavior.

Beth not only has the loss of her mother to grieve, but she also needs to separately and simultaneously mourn the fantasy. Loss is so complex and complicated that at times we need to break it down into parts: the loss of Mother, Grandmother, friend, and the life that was left unlived.

The fantasy left behind is part of that loss too and deserves its own grief.

deal with them ourselves. But at what cost do we camouflage our grief? When we shelve our pain, it doesn’t go away. Rather, it festers in a myriad of ways. We need to understand that strength and grief fit together. We must be strong to handle grief, and in the end, grief brings out strengths we never knew we had.

When the pain and sadness hit, you can do what Wanda was attempting to do. Just sit with it. If you feel sad, let yourself feel that sadness. Do the same with anger and disappointment. If you need to cry all day long, do it. The only thing to avoid is repressing the hurt or artificially trying to bring it on when it isn’t raw enough to express. What we are trying to achieve here is to feel the pain and then feel the release that follows it.

Our beliefs in the afterlife play a role in how we grieve, the impact being left to each individual.

Grief is the internal part of loss, how we feel. The internal work of grief is a process, a journey. It does not end on a certain day or date. It is as individual as each of us.

We don’t realize how many anniversaries there are in life until after a loss.

As much as your body may need your attention, it’s natural to feel the pointlessness of taking care of yourself.

Your old state of health will usually return on its own, but in time. People may want you to make a sudden dramatic healing back to your old physical state of well-being, but do what feels right to you. Remind yourself to eat a bit better or do a little more. But don’t give in to everyone’s opinion that you have to jump right back in and have a makeover. This is your time to rest and get back in touch with yourself and see how you feel—now.

Go slowly. Do not take on more than you can handle.

Whether you are the type to eat less or more, exercise less or more, or move one step back from working a lot or diving in, you must take enough time to help your body repair. It’s a good idea to go to bed earlier, sleep a little later. If you’re out of balance, take little steps. Try to eat a little better, exercise a little, and be good to yourself, and don’t be surprised if you get sick more often than usual. Your body’s defenses have been weakened and your resistance is lowered.

Take the time to take care of yourself.

So most of us dive in and do all that needs to be done.

Take time to feel your feelings and to experience them. Let your friends help, and do not turn down offers of support. And take a moment to be real. When someone asks how you are, don’t automatically say, “Fine.” Instead, you could say, “I’m having a tough time, so thank you for checking on me.” Or “I need help but I don’t know what to ask for.”

The emotions of going through someone’s things will be enormous, possibly overwhelming.

How can you celebrate togetherness when there is none? When you have lost someone special, your world loses its celebratory qualities. Holidays only magnify the loss. The sadness feels sadder and the loneliness goes deeper. The need for support may be the greatest during the holidays.

Making time for your loss and acknowledging it is often easier than resisting it.

There is no right or wrong way to handle the holidays in grief. You have to decide what is right for you and do it. You have every right to change your mind, even a few times.

Just let people know.

Everyone around may wish you happy holidays without any idea that you are grieving, since the holidays continue despite your deep sadness. You continue on with your loved one’s loud absence.

Don’t do more than you want, and don’t do anything that does not serve your soul and your loss.

But grief is a sad, soft spot we must fall into for our healing to begin. If you are in a defensive mode because of money, no matter what the circumstances, it is hard to find that soft spot.

They were raised with the harsh reality that they needed only two ingredients for a complete life: birth and death. They did their best to have as complete a life as possible in the years they were given.

Gwen will never find a defining act that will place Johnny in her past. He will never be behind her as if he moved out of the house. He will always be a part of her past and will live in her heart, which makes the concept of closure unrealistic.

You don’t ever bring the grief over a loved one to a close.

Children are old enough to grieve if they are old enough to love; they are the “forgotten grievers.”

come. We spend a great deal of time teaching our children about life, and when someone is dying, we have a profound opportunity to teach them how to care for loved ones in their last days. We can also teach them to build a healthy belief system around death and loss. We can show them ways to honor the memory of loved ones who have died, rather than leave them with unsolved mysteries.

As Tina spoke the words out loud, it finally dawned on her that she could not have caused the death of her grandmother by making her laugh. The child inside of her was integrated into the adult at that moment.

A child who experiences a death of a loved one loses her innocence quickly. She learns that life doesn’t hold guarantees, and that makes her feel like she can’t count on anything.

If you are left feeling unsafe in your own world, we encourage you to take advantage of any help offered. You must deal with the trauma itself before you can deal with the grief.

All of this forces the survivor back into the memories, back into the grief, back into the mourning.

Trauma invites us to learn about our strength, endurance, and hope after it visits.

was losing my husband piece by piece.

We need to make peace with the idea that when the body permanently stops eating, it is telling you that it is time to go.

Whatever you did, take comfort that you did it out of love and hope, trying to do the right thing when there was no clear right thing to do.

You chose a direction in a medical world with too many mixed messages to understand what is and what is not the right decision.

The suddenness thrusts us into a new, abnormal world. How can you grasp that your loved one was here for breakfast and dead by lunchtime? You can’t.

You don’t grieve, because you can’t yet. You are in free fall, with your grief deeply buried under your shock, trauma, and pain. It will stay there for you gradually to unearth it over several years.

For some the more sudden the death, the longer it will take to grieve the loss. The period of denial is substantially lengthened, with no chance to say good-bye and to adjust to a life without your nearest and dearest. When there is no warning, you are suddenly faced with a huge loss and a need to make funeral arrangements.

“There had to be a part of my world that didn’t die.”

Grief is not just a series of events, stages, or timelines. Our society places enormous pressure on us to get over loss, to get through the grief.

Each grief has its own imprint, as distinctive and as unique as the person we lost. The pain of loss is so intense, so heartbreaking, because in loving we deeply connect with another human being, and grief is the reflection of the connection that has been lost.

Healing grief is often an overwhelming and lonely experience.

To never feel that I uniquely mattered was a lesson that would help me recognize how much people meant to each other and how every loss, large and small, matters.

runway, not allowed to die and leave this earth, but not allowed to go back to the gate and fully live.