On Grief and Grieving: Finding the Meaning of Grief Through the Five Stages of Loss

by Elisabeth Kübler-Ross

essence, they were struggling with their crushed belief system that if they did the right things, they would have a good result.

The answer is that healthy living can prevent some conditions from developing or being exacerbated.

Think of a lifeless forest in which a small plant pushes its head upward, out of the ruin. In our grief process, we are moving into life from death, without denying the devastation that came before.

Sometimes people’s desire to deliver you from your isolation may have more to do with their own fear and discomfort than with a concern for yours.

If you are old enough to love, you are old enough to grieve. Grief just looks different in children,

grief in children feels different than it does in adults. Kids don’t have the words or permission to voice their grief, while adults have trouble expressing the emotions.

Nature has a way of healing the soul.

Loss is hard enough without burdening yourself with a secret. If you can’t be completely honest with the general public, find at least one or two people who can witness your grief honestly and openly.

A secret ultimately doesn’t change the person you knew. Every facet of a diamond is real, but each is a different view, so don’t let all that you held dear about your loved one be negated by some other part of them. What you knew was real.

As hard as it may be to understand, the withholding of a secret is usually not about you. It is about your loved one’s keeping a part of themself just for the sake of their own identity or maybe not feeling good about a part of their own life.

Actions have consequences, but as counselors we do not believe that loss comes from punishment. In the light of loss, all our transgressions may feel illuminated and we may feel punished, but an all-loving God would not bestow such pain on us. Death may follow life, but punishment is not God’s consequence for loving and caring.

Some people believe that if they become spiritual enough, they will be able to cure their diseases. That, however, is bargaining, not spirituality! Spirituality is not a cure for disease.

We live in a world of duality. God created day with night, light with shadow, and life with death.

The Grand Canyon was not punished by windstorms over hundreds of years. In fact, it was created by them.

If someone had tried to shield the Grand Canyon from the windstorm, we would never have seen the beauty of its carvings.

When our loved one dies, that state of control can continue into the funeral. After all, there are calls and decisions to be made as to the type of ceremony, including where and when.

“There was so much to do and control,” she said, “but now I see that it was just busyness. Ultimately, it was out of my hands, and the things I worried about made no difference in the end. But I had to be doing something.”

However, when things begin to settle down, we are still left with the need to control, even when we don’t recognize it.

Control gives the illusion of safety and helps us think we are holding everything together, but an illusion is all it is.

When Karen’s friends tried to control her grief, she learned the hard way that grief travels with you, wherever you go.

Let your intuition guide you, since control can be like salt: a dab of it can make something a little better, but too much can spoil it completely.

People often change reality to fantasy after death. Some of this is cultural.