That Bird Has My Wings: The Autobiography of an Innocent Man on Death Row

by Jarvis Jay Masters

The truth of the matter is that I have never changed. Rather, I have simply discovered who I’ve always been: the young child who knew that his life mattered, that he could make a difference in the world, and that he was born to fly.

One day I was standing on a stool in the kitchen helping Mamie wash and dry dishes. I asked her if I could call her “Mama” instead of Mamie, since other kids called their parents “Mama” and “Daddy.” At first, Mamie didn’t say anything. It was like she hadn’t heard me. Before I could ask the question again, she started to cry. “What’s wrong, Mamie?” I asked sadly. “Did I say somethin’ bad?” With the suds on her hands keeping her from wiping her eyes, she kept on washing the dishes. Then she mumbled, “Boy, the Lord knows that Mamie loves you. And if you want to, child, you can call your Mamie ‘Mama’ too.”

Because the Prockses loved me without asking me to love them back, they gave me who I was; they gave me myself.

What troubled me most was being able to see things that Mr. Higgins couldn’t. I knew it was his job to trust foster parents. I knew he was concerned for my well-being and wanted the very best for me. But I needed him to see more than I could see, to be more aware of things unknown to me. I needed him to protect me, to be my social worker.

I could feel Pablo struggling with whether he could go on loving his mother. And as I sat handcuffed next to him I knew I no longer wanted to look for mine—I had already found her in Pablo’s.

my mother had been gang-raped and beaten, dumped in an alley, shot seven times, and left for dead.

In winning a new life, I was losing everything that connected me to my identity.

The backbone of the bodhisattva vow is to make the benefit of others my highest priority.

I discovered that it takes a lot more energy to hate than it does to love—and that every bit of love I could conjure up meant that I didn’t have to feel hatred.

Pitbull still stood in the corner, shadowboxing with the devil. This was real prison.

Oh, affirmation to life, steady me: keep me balanced and poised. Cushion me. Lessen my load. Seat me upright in lotus posture, seeing only emptiness, not despair, I pray. Teach me your benefits, deep and simple. Benefit this injustice with a change of every heart. Affirm all reasons for being. Let every circumstance, in every depth—pain and joy both—bring to practice you, me, all beings. Let us affirm lifetimes to steady every breath, making peace—and peacemaking—the companion to every heart.

But here on the first tier the windows were all painted over so you couldn’t see outside. That meant I was no longer able to reach beyond this place with my eyes. I didn’t know if the skies were blue or cloudy. I had to search for the time of day. These painted windows boarded me up inside.

still remember—kids on their own at nine, ten, or eleven years old, guided only by their inherent knowledge that in a child’s innocence the truth bravely shines.

It is my profound wish that we will all be able to finally accept our wrongs and losses, move into gratefulness for what we have and have had, and embrace the compassion for others and ourselves that opens us to the freedom of forgiveness.