Being nobody, going nowhere : meditations on the Buddhist path

by Ayya Khema

Being involved in whatever thoughts arise, unhappy or happy ones, in constant flux and flow — this is what we learn to drop when we manage to stay on the meditation subject.

A strong mind does not suffer from boredom, frustration, depression, or unhappiness — it has learned to drop what it doesn’t want.

Thinking is suffering, no matter what it is that we think. There is movement in it, and because of that, there is friction. Everything that moves creates friction. The moment we relax and rest the mind, it gains new strength and also happiness because it knows it can go home at any time. The happiness created at the time of meditation carries through to daily living because the mind knows that nothing has to be taken so seriously that it can’t go home again and find peace and quiet.

“The one way for the purification of beings, for the destruction of unsatisfactoriness, for entering the noble path, for realizing freedom from all suffering, is mindfulness.”

Impermanence, unsatisfactoriness, nonself are the three characteristics to be found in all that exists. Unless we identify them within ourselves, we will never know what the Buddha taught. Meditation is the way to find out.

The psychological accumulation of obstructions and blockages has been deposited by our emotional responses. Mind has put them there, so mind can also remove them. In our meditative procedure this means “knowing the feeling, not reacting, then letting go of it.”

calm and insight. They work hand in hand. Unless we know the direction we’re going, it’s highly unlikely that we’ll get to our destination.

A mind that is thinking is never at ease because thinking is a process of movement, and movement has irritation in it.

that arises while trying to stay on the breath needs to be used for insight. Any thought that arises is not a bothersome intruder, nor an indication that one isn’t suitable for meditation, nor that it’s too hot, or too cold, or too uncomfortable, or too late, or too early — none of that. Thought is not an intruder trying to bother us. It’s a teacher to teach us.

We believe it when our mind says, “I’m so frustrated. I’m so bored” or “I have to get that thing” or “I have to go to that place.” We believe it all — but why should we? It’s exactly the same process in meditation. Thoughts arise, stay a moment, and cease again with no rhyme or reason.

It’s no use sitting there and thinking, “I wish I weren’t thinking,” or “I wish I could concentrate,” or “I wish it weren’t so difficult,” or “I wish my right leg wouldn’t hurt so much.” Those are dreams. Those are hopes. We can’t afford to dream and hope if we want to get to the bottom of what ails us.

If we resolve to keep still for a moment, finally to take a look, to no longer run away from the unpleasant and no longer grasp at the pleasant — maybe for just one meditation session — we will have learned an enormous amount about ourselves.

We go around and around and around trying to keep the pleasant, trying to get rid of the unpleasant, a never-ending circle. The only opening leading out of that merry-go-round is to look at the feeling and not to react. If we learn that in meditation, even for one moment, we can repeat it in daily living to great advantage.

This is something we must learn through meditation — that it is impossible to be absolutely right. Most of the time all we are doing is defending a viewpoint, which is based on our own ego. Because we have this ego, the “me” delusion, all our viewpoints, all our opinions are colored by that. They can’t be anything else. It’s impossible. If there is a red tinge on the window, everything on the outside looks red.

Labeling shows us what is going on in the mind. In meditation all labels, all thoughts need to be dropped. In daily living it is the unprofitable, unskillful thoughts that have to go.

Friendliness is a step toward loving-kindness, but it isn’t real loving-kindness yet. It is a quality that is endearing to the heart and endears other people to us. But it has the near-enemy of love embedded in it, namely affection. Although we think of affection as something positive, it has attachment in it. Attachment to our friends and associates, to those who help us, to those who live with us. That attachment creates hate, not toward the people we are attached to, but toward the idea that they might be lost. There is fear, and we can only fear what we hate. Therefore the purity of love is lost. The attachment makes it impure and thus less satisfying. No total fulfillment can be found. This is what happens within the family. That is why there is always unsatisfactoriness in that kind of love.

The loving feeling in the family must be used to cultivate that true feeling of loving-kindness in one’s heart, which is not dependent on conditions, such as “my husband, my wife, my daughter, my son, my uncle, my aunt, my mother, my father.” That is all “my-making and mine-making.” Unless we can transcend that and grow into unconditional love, the family love has not been used for its full purpose. It has been used for ego support and survival instead. Since survival is a lost cause, it doesn’t need our effort.

Every living being is a learning situation for lovingness,

Make a balance sheet: “How often have I felt lovingness toward another person today?” On the other side of the sheet put: “How often have I felt anger, hurt, resentment, rejection, fear, anxiety today, when confronting other people?”

“One’s mind is quickly concentrated” is another one of the eleven benefits of loving-kindness. That’s the reason for starting every meditation session with loving thoughts for yourself. The mind cannot concentrate without the three foundations of generosity, moral conduct, and loving-kindness.

ego only diminishes when we see with ruthless honesty what’s going on inside us. Labeling thoughts is one way of doing that. One finally finds out what kind of rubbish one is thinking and one has fewer grandiose ideas about one’s person and one’s thinking capacity.

all that happens contains friction and irritation and a constant wish for more, or for remaining so, or for becoming different.

One cannot always have joyful occasions, joyful thoughts in one’s own life, but if one has joy with other people, one can surely find something to be happy about.

Determination is useful, but it can easily be based on suppression.

The misery arises from the fact that we want to own, keep, and experience the pleasure again and again.

Because we are beset with desire, we can no longer see that there could be something else much more important. We only see the desire and we only see the possibility of its gratification. We cannot recognize ourselves any more.

The first step is to sit with an uncomfortable sensation. Not wriggling and shifting around, not trying to get out of this discomfort by changing position. There is no wriggling out of suffering.

If we are able to put a fence up against one of our desires, we are going to be able to put up a fence against some more.

We are always hoping that the situation is going to change; that whomever we love is going to love us too; that the people who are dear to us are going to remain with us, or we’re hoping that we’re going to be rich — if that’s what we’re looking for. Maybe we’re hoping to be so intelligent and wise that we will never make a mistake. Always hoping for the wrong things. This hope in our heart can be put to great advantage. It comes about because we know there’s something wrong and we’re not totally depressed by it. We all know there’s something wrong. But the only things wrong are the defilements. That’s all. Nothing else is wrong. What we need to hope for is that we shall be able to do something about them right here and now and not in the future, because the future is imagination.

When we get angry about anything at all, the first step is to remember, “I am the owner of my kamma.” The second step is not to condemn yourself, and the third to change the reaction.

Who can arisen anger curb, Like holding back a chariot: Him a true charioteer I call — Mere rein-holders are other folk. Dhammapada, v. 222

There may be resentment of one’s own lack of material opportunities. Maybe we blame someone for that or resent our lack of opportunity for self-assertion because others get in the way. That too is anger, and it’s usually suppressed. One doesn’t even admit it to oneself, which has major repercussions unless the anger is changed into acceptance and to being at ease with oneself.

Energy arises when one has a clearcut direction. One knows exactly where one is going and keeps at it. But when the mind has no clear concept of what it’s actually trying to accomplish, other than staying alive physically, not much energy is produced. It’s not fascinating or interesting, and the subconscious mind knows already that it’s a lost cause. Nobody can survive. To use one’s strength and direction just for survival is not a fruitful undertaking, and real energy will not arise. On the contrary, one feels bogged down and oppressed by it.

Worry besets most people, and makes the mind tumultuous. It takes one away from the moment, which is the only one in which we can live. Moments spent in worrying are all lost moments. Unless we live in each moment we are missing life. When we think about the past and worry about the future, we aren’t living. We are remembering and projecting. That’s not living. Life cannot be thought about, it has to be experienced.

When we get upset, angry, worried, fearful, envious, jealous, greedy, when all these things happen in our mind, there is no security to be found. We’re not reliable, and of course we know that and have no self-confidence.

We cannot possibly relive yesterday or experience tomorrow now. There is only one thing we can do and that’s be alive now.

All of us are interdependent, but the fear of being left or of not being able to look after ourselves is an entirely different situation. It can become so fearful that we comply with quite unworthy conditions just in order to keep things running as they are, because we feel so insecure. That’s not conducive to peace.

Seeing the fault in oneself has benefit, because one can do something about it. Seeing the fault in others is useless. Usually one just starts disliking the other. Disliking, becoming unfriendly, arguing, or trying to convince are all useless.

We need to be contented with our situation, our associates, our income, our looks, and our knowledge. It doesn’t mean we become complacent. Contentment and complacency are not identical. Complacency says, “I’m all right. I’m fine. I’ve done all I can.” Contentment says, “The way things are provides the conditions for my growth.” Contentment is essential for peace. Discontent creates all the turmoil in the heart and in the world. Discontent makes us do the most absurd things in order to change what we believe to be the cause. We argue, try to change the people we live with or the country we live in, the food or the ideology, or maybe even the religion.