Story Of My Life

by Jay McInerney

He doesn’t have a snappy comeback for that one. Most guys can’t really go the distance.

Men don’t want women unless they’ve been wanted by other men, they’re not interested if you’re not desirable to their friends. But then they expect you to have resisted all the interest until they came along.

Jesus, men can be so silly when they think they’re being macho and tough. Sometimes I think there must be some kind of secret ritual like circumcision where all boys have three-quarters of their brain removed at adolescence, or else they just have to promise that they’ll act and talk like they’ve been lobotomized, grunt in monosyllables like cavemen, and limit their emotions to the range between A and B. Still, they’re the only other sex we’ve got. And they can make you feel so good sometimes you want to scream like the housewife who’s just won the big prize on Wheel of Fortune and generally forgive them for being men.

haven’t met too many guys who say no thanks, honey, I’d rather watch the game when you suggest a blow job. But still, I never heard anything like the chorus of weird satisfied sounds coming from Dean while I’m going down on him. It makes me feel really good, like a nurse or maybe an angel, doing my good deed for the day. I mean, this boy is appreciative and that really inspires me.

I mean sometimes I think we’re all just masturbating each other any way you look at it. If we’re not jerking each other around, we’re jerking each other off. But still, do we have to be so blatant about it? I mean, really.

He’s wearing his extraspecial shit-eating grin, the one that he gets after a blow job.

so I climb on top of him, slip it inside me. I hate to admit this but it feels good. This isn’t for you, I go, this is just for me. I’m still mad. I’m just horny.

What’s the third great lie? I go. The first one is the check’s in the mail. Then, I promise I won’t come in your mouth. What’s the third?

If I had to list my least favorite things, jewelry on men would be right up there at the top.

The third lie is, I love you.