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“I believe in love, but I’m a realist. You could love someone with your entire being, but it doesn’t guarantee they’ll love you in return. It’s a gamble, and I don’t like to make bets I might lose.”
It’s his version of control, I realize, never letting himself feel deeply enough to wager getting hurt. Never letting himself feel at all. I, on the other hand, just went all in and lost on a single hand, but I’m already thinking about taking a seat at the table for another round.
“Just so you know,” Rio says into my ear, loud enough to hear over the music. “I’m well aware you’re using me to make him jealous and I’m perfectly okay with that.” I chuckle. “I was hoping you would be.” “Fuck it.” Rio grabs my waist, pulling me into him. “But if he hits me for this, he better at least give me an autograph too.”
“You can go,” he says to Rio, keeping his intense ocean eyes on me. Rio’s hands shoot up in surrender. “She made me do it.” “Oh, I’m well aware.”
“Jealousy turns you on?” “Nah. No need to be jealous when I know what’s mine. I’m the one you’re going home with.”
“Do you have any pickup lines?” I quietly ask Ryan for no one else to hear. He shakes his head. “Nah. I’d rather pin you down than pick you up.”
“Ry.” I stop him at his door. He looks back to me, eyes desperate and begging. “Will you help me?” His head falls back, exhaling a sigh of relief. “Fucking finally.”
It hurt my feelings, if I’m being honest, seeing him run away from our moment to hide in his room. For him, maybe it wasn’t a moment at all. Maybe it was just a weak instant as he finally caved on the mutual lust. Or maybe he took pity on me and did his poor roommate a favor by helping her come. Does he regret it?
Oh my heart. Poor Indy.
“Anyone who gets to call you their friend is beyond lucky and if you’re here trying to convince them of that, well then honey, they aren’t your real friends.” “I just want to impress them.”
I’m holding on to my old life and my old friends with an iron grip, but why? Because it’s what I’ve always known? Because they were part of the picture I painted for myself?
“He made a mistake. One mistake.” “You can’t be defending him.”
Her "friends" suck
In one simple motion and with one single arm, Ryan swoops me up, chest to chest with my legs slung around his hips. Without fight, I wrap my arms around his neck and drop my head to his shoulder. He carries me to the exit, grabbing my coat on the way and covering my body with it. Ryan doesn’t give me time to say goodbye to anyone, but I find myself perfectly okay with that.
“Why aren’t you at practice?” “I called out.” “Why?” “Why do you think, Ind?”
WHY DO YOU THINK JANUARY
My little clean freak.
“Why are you doing this?” “Because I like taking care of people. You, especially.”
With a grin on my lips, a fever running through my veins, and his clothes on my body, I fall asleep looking at the tiny pop of color he stole from our living room.
Stop. I love him.
Finally, once I redress, I open the bathroom door to find him sitting on the floor, his head leaning back on the wall right next to the doorway as if listening to hear if I might need him.
Gently, he begins to brush my hair.
Oh.
Ryan doesn’t make me feel like a burden. He doesn’t make me feel like I’m too much. I’ve offered him absolutely nothing other than exactly who I am, and he’s embraced every part of me, good and bad. I don’t think I fully understood that until today.
“Are you faking it?” “No, Blue. I’m not faking anything.”
“You’re a fucking gift, Ind, and I cannot believe I made you feel anything less than that. I’m so sorry. I truly am.”
His words were laced with desperation and honesty, but he is wrong about one thing. I do have something left to give. I’ve quickly learned that when I’m not putting on an act, when I’m encouraged to be unapologetically myself, the exhaustion from wearing a perfect mask is gone. I have the energy to love someone, and my heart has the space to accept it in return.
And I think I’d like to give the real me to Ryan if he wants it. I think he’d treat my heart with kindness.
“Fertility treatments? Are you serious? How much of it is covered?” “One-hundred percent.”
Sure thats not Ryan?
The doctor begins his spiel, but I accidentally tune him out when I feel Ryan’s hand reach for mine that’s dangling next to his bed. Looking back, I watch him thread our fingers together all while keeping his attention focused on his doctor.
I slip past the couch, but he grabs my wrist to stop me.
He pulls me down towards his lap, and I take a seat across it. His hands drape over me, holding me tight as if he can’t stand the thought of me trying to leave the room again.
“I was there to see you. Believe it or not, I don’t give a shit about your boss, and I couldn’t care less who you are to anyone else. To me, you’re…well, I don’t know what you are, but you’re…important. You as a person, not the player, are important to me.”
“The week of the draft, I went number one overall to Chicago. The next day I flew out here and bought this place in cash, furnished it, and got it ready for my soon to be fiancée and child to come home to.
Omg
“Marissa could barely look me in the eye, but I was too overwhelmed to think much of it until she handed me her daughter, and the second I held that little girl, I knew she wasn’t mine.”
Fuuuuuck
That guy in the waiting room? Yeah, that was her real fucking boyfriend. It was his kid. He was in on the whole thing. Our so-called relationship was all a scheme. They both played me, and she was trying to get knocked up. They were just trying to get eighteen years of child support out of me.”
OMFG
“I wanted it so badly, Blue. That whole scenario was my dream life. I was so ready for it. I thought I was going to be this cool, young dad who got to grab his kid from the stands and carry them around the court. I wanted to come home to them every day and I got fucking played.”
Until you, I want to add. Until you walked into my apartment and flipped my world on its head, unraveling every notion I had convinced myself of. Erasing every belief I once held.
“I don’t want you to think I’m taking advantage of you. God, that’s the last thing I want, Ryan, but I do want to help you. That’s why I pulled myself from my work trip. So, I’ll stay for a few days if that’s okay with you? Make sure you’re back to walking without those crutches, then I’ll find my own place.” “No. Fuck, no. Indy, that’s not what I meant.”
Waaaaaahhhhhhhh
“I might have a little thing for your best friend.” “Ha!” she bursts out a laugh. “Good God, Ry. Want to try that again?” I roll my eyes. “I might possibly be a little bit smitten by the blonde living in my house.”
My house is chaos the second I open the door, folding chairs stacked against the wall, two long foldable tables in the middle of our living room.
I KNEW SHE WAS GOING TO HOST
She eyes me suspiciously but doesn’t catch on to the fact her mom and I are as comfortable as we are because I’ve chatted with her parents more than a few times since I first met them over a video call in this very kitchen.
STOP IT
“You need to stop treating this place like a personal prison and start living again. Tonight is a good start.”
I catch the sad smile fall on her lips. I want to kiss it off her and tell her she’s not allowed to go anywhere. Not when she fits so right here, when she makes it feel like home, but the knock at my door keeps me from doing so.
I love these two
Sitting next to Indy feels good as it always does, but tonight as she chats with my team, there’s a sense of pride flowing through me that they believe she’s mine. She could be. I want her to be. Need her to be the more I watch how effortlessly she goes through life unguarded.
There was a shift last night as she sat in my lap, listening to me spill the worst part of my past that I realized I wanted her as my future.
It’s too right, having her here. This is where she belongs, with me, in this apartment. And if she thinks for a second she’s moving out, she’s out of her goddamn mind.
How much I want him is suffocating. How much I care about him is suffocating. How much love I have for that man after only a few short months is suffocating.
The last thing I want is to be compared to the woman before me. I care about Ryan far too much to let him believe that, so I’ll prove it. I’ll move out. That way, he couldn’t possibly continue to believe I was using him.
Oh man if she only knew
“Happen to see a mouthy blonde tonight? Mile-long legs and a banging brain?” Ryan asks his sister and Zanders.
“Why would I want space, and from you of all people?”
I don’t give a fuck if you don’t need to save money anymore, you’re not leaving.” “That sounds very kidnap-y of you.” “Don’t tempt me.”
“And let me make this perfectly clear, even if you say no, I will throw you over my shoulder and take you with me. But I’m working with a knee injury here and would rather you come on your own free will.”
“Now, please, for the love of God, kiss me.”
“I want you, Ryan. I’ve always wanted you, but I didn’t know I could be so lucky to have you.”
