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I don’t know what I’m doing. All I know is that apartment is filled with him, and it’s suffocating. How much I want him is suffocating. How much I care about him is suffocating. How much love I have for that man after only a few short months is suffocating.
“There’s the runaway.” “Hi.” Eyes soften. “Hi, Blue.” Zanders squeals from the couch like a teenager. “I was giving you some space,” I explain before I’m asked. “Why would I want space, and from you of all people?” “Last night—” “Last night, you didn’t let me finish what I was trying to say.”
“No one has ever come into my life without just looking for what they can gain from me,” he repeats his words from last night, as if I could forget them. “Until you.” Backing up, my shoulders hit the wall where Ryan brackets his hands above my head, caging me in, and ensuring I hear his words. “Until you walked your colorful, messy, and extremely tempting ass into my apartment. I’ve never once felt taken advantage of by you. In fact, if you remember, I was the one who didn’t want you paying rent. I don’t give a fuck if you don’t need to save money anymore, you’re not leaving.”
A quick bubble of a laugh escapes me. The sound causes a beautifully soft smile to tug at the corner of his lip, concaving his dimples. “So, are we done with the whole bullshit conversation about you moving out?” Ocean eyes drop to my mouth. “But I spend a lot of your money.” “Someone needs to.” “And I’m messy. You don’t like messy.” “I like your mess.” “And I’m needy. I have no idea how to be alone.” “Good. I don’t want you to be alone. I want you to be with me.” His eyes fall to my throat, watching it work its way through a swallow. “Come home with me, Blue.” Apparently, half a second
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His chest moves in relief as if seeing me in his house and on his bed has brought him peace. “Right where you belong.” His gaze scans the length of me. “Thank you.” “For what?” “For everything. For tonight. I think I’ve always wanted to have the team over, to have people over, but it scared me. To let people into my life has scared me.” Leisurely, he begins to unbutton his shirt, standing over me. “But you, having you here, I want everyone to see how lucky I am to have you in my home.”
My brows pinch together. How did I not catch this before? How did I not realize he needs to be told how wanted he is? When someone else pretends to love you, pretends to want you, of course you need reassurance. Tugging his chin, I force eye contact. “I want you, Ryan. I’ve always wanted you, but I didn’t know I could be so lucky to have you.” That stunning smile is back. “Then kiss me, Blue.” So, I do, soft and leisurely, nails raking over his neck. He cups my face, fingers threaded into my hair as we take our time more than we ever have before. For the first time, there’s not a question
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In some ways, this is a first. I’ve never been seen the way Ryan sees me. I’ve never been appreciated the way his eyes worship me. I’ve never been encouraged to be myself the way Ryan praises me to be.
“You have no idea, Indy.” Another worshiping kiss on my covered stomach. “The power you have over me.”
“All I can think about is seeing you smile and trying to be the reason you are.”
“Trying to water those goddamn flowers just enough so I can watch your face light up when you get home.”
God, his mouth. Dirty talk does it for me regardless, but coming from Ryan, the man who only speaks when the words are needing to be heard, it hits differently.
“I fucking love kissing you.”
I love this kind of control. He’s a strong man, but weak for me.
there’s no denying I will be careful with Ryan Shay’s heart for as long as he lets me have it.
But after tonight, there’s no going back. I’m all in. I tried so hard to deny it. I had fully convinced myself there wasn’t a woman in the world that would change me, distract me, remind me of everything I once wanted. But in walked Indy Ivers, my living, breathing distraction, and I’m too weak a man to pretend as if she’s not single-handedly repairing all the broken pieces.
I thought I had loved someone once, but if this is what it’s supposed to feel like, now I know my heart was never fully invested before. I loved the idea of the life I thought I was going to have, but with Indy, even if we spend the rest of our days just the two of us in this apartment, I’d die a happy man with an abundantly fulfilled life.
“Indy.” I pull back to look at her, my brows pinched and eyes pleading. “I know you wanted this to be easy, but I can’t do casual with you. I’m in way too fucking deep to pretend you’re not it for me.” “I don’t want casual.” She quickly shakes her head. “I never have, not with you. I’m sorry I let you believe that. You’ve been like a flas...
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“But you’re not confused anymore?” “No. Because it’s become clear as day that you’re meant for me.”
And as she whispers words to remind me of how much I mean to her, how she’ll choose me at every given opportunity, how much she wants me, it’s then that I know I’ll never be the same.
At some point, I should probably tell her that my love language is whichever one she wants it to be so she can stop guessing. I’ll make sure that girl feels loved however she needs.
“You’re incredible,” I murmur against her lips. “It’s nothing.” “It’s everything.” “Do you like it?” Do I like it? I love it. I especially loved how many times she used the word we when outlining the plan. “Like isn’t a strong enough word, Blue. This means everything to me, truly. Thank you.”
She’s, as always, an interesting mix of idealism and logic, leaning towards the romantic side. The soft side. The loving side where she lets herself feel everything and care for everyone. I’m sure it was hard for her to find much feeling behind numbers.
“Are you going to your game tonight?”
“I am. Are you?” “Do you want me there?” “I want you there.” I want you everywhere. “Then I’ll be there.”
I’ve spent the last handful of months curating my life in order to convince my boss that I’m a good leader. But today, he wasn’t on my mind when I made the decision to show up, and for the first time in a long time, I’m beginning to feel like my old college self. The one who led his team to two national championships. The guy who trusted people without second-guessing their motives. I miss the old me, but my body feels light with hope that I’m on the way back to him.
I might not be out there, but holy hell this feeling is almost as euphoric as if I were the one making the plays myself. The next dead ball, Leon looks over like an excited little kid who just made his first bucket. It’s charming and sweet, and I’m proud as hell of him. My coach walks by with a pat on my shoulder. “Nice work, Shay.”
“I didn’t know where I should go. Annie told me to come down with her, but she and the kids went home already, and now I feel like I’m intruding,” Indy quickly explains as I swallow up the space between us. “You’re in the exact right place.”
Slipping my foot between hers, I nudge her feet apart to find a new addition to her shoes. Right there, inside of the left ankle is an embroidered basketball with my number and a heart stitched into the center of it. “When did that get there?” I ask, loving the way my name and number look all over her. “This afternoon. I thought it was about time.” My stare breaks from her feet to find her smiling proudly, wearing my favorite emotion of hers—joy. “It was about damn time.”
Leaning down, I take her mouth again. I don’t think I’ll ever get used to having the privilege of kissing this girl. I hadn’t kissed a woman for so long that being touched by her, wanted by her is almost too much. What in the world did I do to deserve her wanting me?
I brush his hand off her, keeping my voice calm and even. “Don’t fucking touch her.” Instinctively, I shift my body, putting myself between them. Metaphorically and physically, I want to be between them. He will have to get through me to get to her and that won’t ever fucking happen.
The daggers shooting from my eyes fall to the prick behind her. Touch her and I’ll kill you. Say something that makes her upset and I’ll ruin your life. Look at her inappropriately and I will beat the living shit out of you.
I’m a possessive man when it comes to her, there’s no denying that, and even though I’m controlling in my own life, I’d never control her or her decisions.
No part of me is calm, cool, or collected. I’m entirely out of control. In a sense, I’ve been out of control ever since that girl waltzed into my apartment, but this time, the powerlessness doesn’t feel freeing. I’m spiraling as we drive away. Whatever is going on between us is so new. We haven’t had the opportunity to fully discuss it, and at the time it felt weird to throw a label on something so organic. But now I wish we had. That way she could tell him, but more importantly, she could tell me where we stand.
Indy is sensitive. Initially, it turned me off, but it’s what eventually made me fall so hard for her, her openness to feel. Of course, that conversation would affect her. She wouldn’t be her if it didn’t.
I need to tell her how much I want her. I need to tell her I can give her the life she’s always wanted if she would let me. I need to tell her anything that will make her forget about that fucking conversation with the guy who’s done nothing but make her feel like she’s not enough, yet too much all at the same time.
It no longer matters if I’m in a room full of people. If Ryan isn’t around, I’m lonely. And right now, not only is he not around, but he’s also not talking to me much either.
I would also tell him that I was completely emotionless while sitting on that curb, but I was overwhelmed when he called me. I wasn’t sad per se, but for the first time since things ended, I had the chance to mourn that relationship. The answers I’d been given gave me the opportunity to officially close that chapter in my life. In that moment I grieved for the sad girl from months ago who needed those answers so badly, even though the woman I am now doesn’t care about his why’s. The tears didn’t mean I wanted that life back.
“He hasn’t told me that yet.” “No?” Oh shit. Maybe I shouldn’t have admitted that to Caroline. Here she thinks that Ryan and I are happily in love and living together. Things have moved backwards for us. Living together, pretending to love each other, then developing real feelings.
“You know, Indy. Ryan doesn’t strike me as the type of man to be loud. He might not say it, might not scream it from the rooftops, but I could bet good money that he says it without words every single day.” Cold coffee waiting for me in the fridge. Fresh flowers, though sometimes dead because he tried too hard to keep them alive, sitting on the kitchen island for me at home after every road trip. Making sure I have food I can eat. Even giving me time to process my conversation with Alex. “Sometimes the quietest love is the loudest,” she continues.
As much as I’m a hopeless romantic, I no longer need the over-the-top declarations. I don’t even need to be told. I simply want to feel it, be consumed by it. And Ryan has consumed me since the day I moved in.
She’s deaf.
Ryan’s stunning smile beams, the two of them sharing a moment. I don’t know how much he’s communicated with a deaf person. I didn’t even know he was learning the language, but this moment is special for him, I can see it. The pride in his eyes, the joy radiating off him, successfully speaking to another with his hands.
With my hands bracketed on the sink, I lose it. Tears stream down my face from the overwhelming knowledge that I’ve gone twenty-seven years without being loved the way Ryan Shay loves me. And now I have the privilege to be loved so selflessly, so attentively. No one in my life has made an effort to communicate with my dad in his language. Not my life-long friends and not my boyfriend of six years. And in comes this man who I’ve only known for a few months, turning my life upside down and proving what it means to be loved. He doesn’t need to say it and I don’t have to hear it. I already
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Maybe words of affirmation are his love language. Maybe it’s quality time. I’m not sure, but I’m going to become fluent in them all until Ryan understands just how much I love him. How much I want him for his heart and not for his name. Though, one day, I wouldn’t mind taking that too.
Even if she doesn’t want me, even if she decides to go back to the life she had before me, I wouldn’t be able to live with myself without telling her how important she is. Both to me and to the world. Indy, the romantic. She deserves the gesture. She deserves to be loved loudly. She deserves to be loved in any way she wants. And if I can be conceited for a moment, she deserves to be loved by me. I will put her first. I will give her the life she’s always dreamed of. I will make sure she knows how special she is, that she doesn’t need to put on the show for everyone else. I like her chaotic
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I should’ve stopped her from speaking to him. I should’ve reminded her that it took her absence from his life for him to understand what a gift he had, while it was her presence in mine that opened my eyes to everything I’ve ever wanted.
She’s breathtaking.
That polite grin of hers morphs into a full-on beaming smile and I have no idea where we stand or what the fuck that could mean, but I sure as shit know Alex didn’t get that smile. She keeps her focus on me, a slight flush crawling up her cheeks. “Hi,” she silently mouths while no one else pays us attention. “You’re beautiful,” I say right back.
As the words roll off their tongues, speaking of better or worse, sickness and health, and richer or poorer, Indy looks at me. Her attention is locked on me. I’d love to know what she’s thinking because my formally unromantic heart is making up all sorts of scenarios in which she didn’t entertain a second of that conversation with her ex and sees only me as the person she could say those words to.
She and I, we aren’t as different as I once believed us to be. We both put on a facade for the rest of the world, knowing what people want to hear and see, but at home, we’re ourselves, and I love that I have that piece of her.
