Ender's Shadow (Shadow, #1)

by Orson Scott Card

Let’s pretend that Bean loves me. And when he understood this, he made a decision: It will do no harm to me if she believes all this. And she wants very much to believe it. So why not give it to her? After all, Poke let me stay with the crew even though she didn’t need me, because it would do no harm. It’s the kind of thing Poke would do. So Bean slid off his chair, walked around the table to Sister Carlotta, and put his arms as far around her as they would reach. She gathered him up onto her lap and held him tight, her tears flowing into his hair. He hoped her nose wasn’t running. But he clung to her as long as she clung to him, letting go only when she let go of him. It was what she wanted from him, the only payment that she had ever asked of him.

Bean would eat only as much as his body wanted.

He went back to eating only as much as his body wanted, letting his hunger be his guide, and it kept him sharp and quick. That was the only nutritionist he trusted.

All he had to do was the minimum required to not get sent home early. So who cared if people noticed him or not? It made no difference. Let them worry about their standings. Bean had already won the battle for survival, and after that, no other competition mattered. But even as he had that thought, he knew it wasn’t true. Because he did care. It wasn’t enough just to survive. It never had been. Deeper than his need for food had been his hunger for order, for finding out how things worked, getting a grasp on the world around him.

I feel this completely

He had to know. He had to have the picture of everything in his mind.

Sister Carlotta had told him that a lot of human behavior was really acting out our responses to dangers long past. It hadn’t sounded sensible to Bean at the time, but he didn’t argue, and now he could see that she was right.

“No hay nada que Dios no puede hacer.”

“Though technically my order is relatively unconcerned with mercy to individuals. We are far more pretentious than that. Our business is trying to save the world.” He chuckled. “One person at a time would be too slow, is that it?” “We make our lives of service to the larger causes of humanity. The Savior already died for sin. We work on trying to clean up the consequences of sin on other people.”

“You know more than you’ve told me, and I must have it.” “How marvelous. You have achieved perfect empathy with me, for that is the exact statement I have repeatedly made to you.” “An eye for an eye? How Christian of you.” “Unbelievers always want other people to act like Christians.”

Unlike you, Wiggin, I do give the other guy a chance to learn what he’s doing before I insist on perfection. You screwed up with me today, but I’ll give you a chance to do better tomorrow and the next day.

“And yet you became his friend.” “Well, I didn’t mean to. I just had the bunk across from him in launchy barracks.” “You traded for that bunk.” “Did I? Oh. Eh.” “And you did that before you knew how smart Bean was.” “Dimak told us in the shuttle that Bean had the highest scores of any of us.” “Was that why you wanted to be near him?” Nikolai shrugged. “It was an act of kindness,” said Major Anderson. “Perhaps I’m just an old cynic, but when I see such an inexplicable act I become curious.” “He really does kind of look like my baby pictures. Isn’t that dumb? I saw him and I thought, he looks just like cute little baby Nikolai. Which is what my mother always called me in my baby pictures. I never thought of them as me. I was big Nikolai. That was cute little baby Nikolai. I used to pretend that he was my little brother and we just happened to have the same name. Big Nikolai and Cute Little Baby Nikolai.” “I see that you’re ashamed, but you shouldn’t be. It’s a natural thing for an only child to do.” “I wanted a brother.” “Many who have a brother wish they didn’t.” “But the brother I made up for myself, he and I got along fine.” Nikolai laughed at the absurdity of it. “And you saw Bean and thought of him as the brother you once imagined.” “At first. Now I know who he really is, and it’s better. It’s like . . . sometimes he’s the little brother and I’m looking out for him, and sometimes he’s the big brother and he’s looking out for me.”

“That may be true, Nikolai. But as far as we can tell, he likes you more than he likes anybody else. He just . . . so far, he may not have the same capacity for friendship that you have. I hope that my asking you these questions won’t change your feelings and actions toward Bean. We don’t assign people to be friends, but I hope you’ll remain Bean’s.” “I’m not his friend,” said Nikolai. “Oh?” “I told you. I’m his brother.” Nikolai grinned. “Once you get a brother, you don’t give him up easy.”

What Bean wanted was the steam. The blindness of the fog around him, of the fogged mirrors, everything hidden, so he could be anyone, anywhere, any size. Someday they’ll all see me as I see myself. Larger than any of them. Head and shoulders above the rest, seeing farther, reaching farther, carrying burdens they could only dream of.

I’m one of those guys who freezes up or does completely irrational things when he’s afraid. Who loses control and goes slack-minded and stupid. But I didn’t do that in Rotterdam. If I had, I’d be dead. Or maybe I did do it. Maybe that’s why I didn’t call out to Poke and Achilles when I saw them there alone on the dock.

“God gives us the freedom to do great evil, if we choose. Then he uses his own freedom to create goodness

Cagnes-sur-Mer,

What are the chances that I would vacation a few months earlier in a place mentioned in one of my favorite books!

get. Your kind of murder only works among civilians. And you were too cocky, too stupid, too insane to realize that.”

“I’m sorry I didn’t join your squad, Bean.” “You were right,” said Bean. “I asked you because you were my friend, and I thought I needed a friend, but I should have been a friend, too, and seen what you needed.” “I’ll never let you down again.” Bean threw his arms around Nikolai. Nikolai hugged him back. Bean remembered when he left Earth. Hugging Sister Carlotta. Analyzing. This is what she needs. It costs me nothing. Therefore I’ll give her the hug. I’m not that kid anymore.

He watched Nikolai go out the door and knew, with a sharp pang of regret, that he would never see his friend again.

“Let us eat, and be merry: for this my son was dead, and is alive again; he was lost, and is found.” Then the little one burst into tears and clung to his mother, and kissed his father’s hand. “Welcome home, little brother,” said Nikolai. “I told you they were nice.”

And we all are always longing for this welcome

When I brought Bean home to a loving family I knew what it should look like, because I see it every day.