Just Listen: Discover the Secret to Getting Through to Absolutely Anyone

by Mark Goulston

If there’s a big, glaring problem standing between you and reaching another person, stipulate to it.

Here are the three keys: get in (quickly and efficiently describe the issue), neutralize the problem (by explaining how to handle it or why it isn’t really a problem), and get out (move on to the next topic —do not linger or go into excess detail).

Stipulation takes courage, but the payoff is big. When you use this approach, you’ll turn defects into assets and empower people to view you as a person rather than as a problem.

By baring my weaknesses to my audience, I’d created an empathy that allowed them to understand and appreciate my message.

Show poise by openly expressing the misgivings people have about you, and they’ll be more likely to give you their positive and undivided attention.

These days, we don’t relate—we transact.

Everyone’s into “What will you do for me?” and “What do I need to do in return?”

Transacting is fine if your goal is to exchange information or negotiate contracts, but it has a fatal flaw: it doesn’t open the mind or the heart.

To create such a life-changing event, you need to move beyond transacting to relating. How? By asking questions that let the other person tell you: “This is what I think,” This is who I am,” “This is what I want to achieve,” or “This is how you can play a part in making my life better.”

The key to crafting a transformational question is simple: Ask yourself, “What single question will show this person that I’m interested in his or her ideas, interests, future success, or life?” Then ask it.

“If you could change one thing about the direction of your company, what would it be?” ■ “If there is one thing I can do to help you move more quickly toward your goals, what would it be?” ■ “What’s the one thing you’re proudest of accomplishing?”

Cause people to look up and reflect on what you’ve asked them, and when they look back down at you, the conversation will never be the same again. . . . It’ll be better.

using a technique I call Side by Side. It’s based on the following three facts. ■ Sitting people down and lecturing them rarely works, because it makes them defensive—and when they’re defensive, they hide things from you.

■ Questioning works better than telling.

■ When you allow one revelation to lead to another without getting in the way, you learn even more.

These elements of the Side-by-Side approach—asking questions during a shared moment, and then deepening the conversation with more questions—are as powerful as communication gets: so powerful that they form the core of the Socratic Method.

ask questions designed to gain insight into what the person is doing, thinking, and feeling.

The side-by-side technique is easy to use, but it comes with three cautions. The biggest one is: When you get people to lower their guard, don’t violate their trust. Do not use this technique to troll for negative information, or people will feel like you’re trying to spy on them or trap them rather than trying to learn from them.

Also, don’t argue with the person you’re talking with. If he or she says something you disagree with, resist the urge to explain why you’re right. Instead, deepen the conversation by asking another question.

When you ask people questions, respect their answers. If they offer a good idea, act on it (and let them know that you did). Even if they’re off base, acknowledge their remarks with a comment like, “That’s worth thinking about” or “I hadn’t looked at it that way.”

When you can’t get through face to face, try side by side.

When you ask direct questions, you’re hoping to communicate a sincere interest. The people on the receiving end of your questions, however, can feel challenged, like a schoolchild being put on the spot by a teacher or coach.

The fill-in-the-blanks approach has the opposite effect: it draws a person toward you.

This approach also figuratively and actually disarms people, because when you combine your words with an inviting hand gesture it typically causes people to uncross their arms and open their minds.

Direct questions make people think you’re talking at them. Let them fill in the blanks, and they’ll feel you’re talking with them.

Here’s my favorite version of the Power Thank You. It was inspired by Heidi Wall, filmmaker and co-founder of the Flash Forward Institute, and it has three parts: Part 1: Thank the person for something specific that he or she did for you. (It can also be something the person refrained from doing that would have hurt you.) Part 2: Acknowledge the effort it took for the person to help you by saying something like: “I know you didn’t have to do _______” or “I know you went out of your way to do_______.” Part 3: Tell the person the difference that his or her act personally made to you.

Power Apology consists of what I call the “4 Rs.” They are:

Remorse: Demonstrate to the other person that you know you caused harm and you are truly sorry.

When you’re doing this, allow the other person to vent and don’t become defensive even if the person is over the top.

Restitution: Find some way to make amends, at least partially.

Rehabilitation: Demonstrate through your actions that you’ve learned your lesson.

Requesting forgiveness: Don’t do this immediately, because actions speak louder than words. To truly earn forgiveness, you need to sustain your corrective actions until they become part of who you are.

To get an out-of-control person to act sanely, you need to move the person up gradually through all three levels in order. (Think of it as “rapid evolution.”) Here’s how to do it. Stage 1

1. Say, “Tell me what happened.”

Venting allows the person to begin moving from blindly striking out (the most primitive response) to feeling emotional (a higher response).

2. Say, “I need to make sure that I heard exactly what you said, so I don’t go off in some wrong direction. If I heard you right, what you said is. . . .”

Then repeat exactly what the person said, calmly and with no angry or sarcastic inflection in your voice, and say, “Is that correct?”

3. Wait until the person says “Yes.”

The simple act of saying “Yes” causes the person to move in the direction of agreement rather than hostility.

4. Now say, “And that makes you feel angry/frustrated/ disappointed/upset or what exactly. . . .”

Pick the word you think best describes what the person feels.

Stage 2

1. Say to the person, “And the reason it’s so important to fix this or make this better now is ______________.”

This fill-in-the-blanks technique requires the person to think of an answer,

the urgency of the person’s need. 2. Illuminate the path out.

If someone can’t or won’t listen to you, get him to listen to himself.