Surviving the Death of a Sibling: Living Through Grief When an Adult Brother or Sister Dies

by T.J. Wray

Witness what I call dismissive condolences, offered by well-intentioned but sorely misguided friends, acquaintances, family members, and coworkers: “Well, you lived in different states, so

you probably weren't very close.” Or “Thank goodness it wasn't your husband or one of your children.” And “Your brother/sister died? How awful! How are your parents? ” Intellectually, we may understand that people mean well; they're attempting to be helpful and to offer comfort to us in our sorrow. Yet dismissive condolences have the opposite effect.

When an adult sibling dies before his or her parents, the remaining siblings must not only deal with their own grief; they must also help their parents cope with losing a child, precisely when they may be least equipped to help anyone.

The sibling relationship is more complex than nearly any other, a mixture of affection and ambivalence, camaraderie and competition. Aside from your parents, there is simply no one else on earth who knows you better, because, like your parents, your brothers and sisters have been beside you from the very beginning. Unlike your parents, however, your siblings are people you assume will be part of your life for the rest of your life, too. In terms of the span of time, the intimacy, and the shared experience of childhood, no other relationship rivals the connection we have with our adult brothers or sisters. From schoolyard bullies to teenage broken hearts, from careers to marriage to dreams unfulfilled, our siblings have been there through it all, life partners in our journey through time. They are the keepers of secrets, perennial rivals for our parents' affections, and a secure and familiar constant in an often precarious and uncertain world.

Losing a sibling, then, can also mean losing a part of yourself, part of that special connection to the past. How do we learn to live with the broken circle that is now our family?