Notes to Myself: My Struggle to Become a Person

by Hugh Prather

Coming into the world already knowing that its happier to be happy, children recognize well and resist with surprising persistence such insane lessons as it’s necessary to be rushed (Instead of simply moving quickly), it’s necessary to be discouraged at night (instead of simply being tired), it’s necessary to be irritated at mistakes (instead of simply correcting them), it’s necessary to be discontent with conditions (instead of taking steps toward a change).

Maturity is wanting nothing but what we see with the purity of our heart.

I’m convinced that this anxiety running through my life is the tension between what I “should be” and what I am. My anxiety doesn’t come from thinking about the future but from wanting to control it. It seems to begin whenever I smuggle into my mind an expectation about how I or others should be. It is the tension between my desire to control the world and the recognition that I can’t.

I can have a self or I can have consistent behavior. I cannot have both.

The key to having “more than enough time” is to relax. Time is change, therefore I have more time per clock-hour when I am flexible. Rigid control means less time because less change. I can lengthen my life by staying out of doctrines and ruts.

“It will be interesting to see what happens” is a more realistic attitude toward future consequences than worry.

My career will form behind me. All I can do is let this day come to me in peace. All I can do is take the step before me now, and not fear repeating an effort or making a new one.

“Next time I will …” “From now on I will …” —What makes me think I am wiser today than I will be tomorrow?

Boredom or discontent is useful to me when I acknowledge it and see clearly my assumption that there’s something else I would rather be doing. In this way boredom can act as an invitation to freedom by opening me to new options and thoughts. For example, if I can’t change the activity, can I look at it more honestly?

When I have listened to my mistakes I have grown.

The key to motivation is to look at how far I have come rather than how far I have to go.

Just when I think I have learned the way to live, life changes and I am left the same as I began. The more things change the more I am the same. It appears that my life is a constant irony of maturity and regression, but my sense of progress is based on the illusion that things out there are going to remain the same and that, at last, I have gained a little control. But there will never be means to ends, only means. And I am means. I am what I started with, and when it is all over I will be all that is left of me.

My trouble is I analyze life instead of live it.

Dishonest people believe in words rather than love,

The number of things just outside the perimeter of my financial reach remains constant no matter how much my financial condition improves. With each increase in my income a new perimeter forms and I experience the same relative sense of lack. I believe that I know the specific amount needed that would allow me to have or do these few things I can’t quite afford, and if my income would increase by that much I would then be happy. Yet when the increase comes, I find that I am still discontent because from my new financial position I can now see a whole new set of things I don’t have. The problem will be solved when I accept that happiness is a present attitude, not a future condition.

An emotion can be changed, but only to a different emotion. I am always feeling something.

Don’t fight a fact, deal with it. Don’t discard your self, be more of it.

Forgiveness is the willingness to begin. Guilt is the love of staying stuck.

It is 9:58 and it is now. Tomorrow at 3:00 it will be now. On my deathbed it will still be now. Since it will always be now, learning to respond to now is the only thing there is to learn.

“Fault” means failure to meet a standard. Whose? Mine.

Sometimes I say “I agree” because I want to avoid an encounter; sometimes I just want to get the other person to shut up. I usually say “I disagree” when I want to exhibit myself.

I don’t exist to like, but I do exist to love. Contrary to liking, love demands nothing in return.

My friendship with Laurel seems to typify a dynamic that many of my newly forming friendships go through. At first we saw only each other’s virtues. Now we are seeing only each other’s faults. If we make it through this latter stage, maybe we will see each other and truly be friends.

Interests change. Friendship based on mutual interests is doomed. Real friendship is an unshakable faith in what was once truly seen, no matter how recently or long ago.

Dislike is a function of need. I want something from you that you don’t provide and so I dislike that condition and call you bad. The squirrel who lives behind our cabin becomes furious whenever I empty the garbage. I don’t need his approval and his anger amuses me. But if he were my pet and I needed his cooperation then this same anger would irritate me. I don’t dislike a stone unless it’s in my path, or a cloud unless it rains on me. If I feel in need of something from you then I hear your words only as yes, no, maybe, or irritatingly off the subject. I cannot appreciate you as you are and cannot begin to see the world as you see it.

Most conversations seem to be carried out on two levels, the verbal and the emotional. The verbal level contains those things that are socially acceptable to say, but it is used as a means of satisfying emotional needs. Yesterday a friend related something that someone had done to her. I told her why I thought the person had acted the way he had and she became very upset and started arguing with me. Now, the reason is clear. I had been listening to her words and had paid no attention to her feelings. Her words had described how terribly this other person had treated her, but her emotions had been saying, “Please understand how I felt. Please accept my feeling the way I did.” The last thing she wanted to hear from me was an explanation of the other person’s behavior.

I talk because I feel, and I talk to you because I want you ...

I get angry at Gayle when she asks me to do something if I sense that in refusing to do what she asks I will demonstrate that I am not the way I like to think of myself.

Self-doubt forsakes power, self-betrayal forsakes the soul.

The heart loves, but moods have no loyalty. Moods should be heard but never danced to.

If we do not exist as real people, if we are not deeply ourselves, then our relationship cannot be real.

You say you just want to be my friend. I know that you mean you want to relate to my mind but not to my body.

feelings tend to follow interpretation and are as varied as thoughts. Whereas a quiet mind takes form as a quiet body.