Scattered: How Attention Deficit Disorder Originates and What You Can Do About It

by Gabor Maté

Like all natural phenomena and all stages in the child’s life, counterwill has a positive purpose. It first appears in the toddler to help in the task of individuating, of beginning to separate from the parent. In essence, the child erects a wall of no’s. Behind this wall, the child can gradually learn her likes and dislikes, aversions or preferences, without being overwhelmed by the far more powerful force generated by the parent’s will. Counterwill may be likened to the small fence one places around a tender young shoot to protect it from being eaten. The vulnerable little plant here is the child’s will. Without that protective fence, it cannot survive. In adolescence, counterwill serves the same goal, helping the young person loosen his psychological dependence on the family. It comes at a time when the sense of self is having to emerge out of the cocoon of the family. It is a defense mechanism to protect this fragile, threatened sense of self. By keeping out the parent’s expectations and demands, counterwill helps to make room for the growth of the child’s own self-generated motivations and preferences. Figuring out what we want has to begin with having the freedom to not want. “Far from being depraved, counterwill is bequeathed by nature, to serve the ultimate purpose of becoming a separate being,” says Dr. Neufeld. “Counterwill, the dynamic, should not be identified with the child’s self. This is really important. It is not the person that we are getting to know when...