Scattered: How Attention Deficit Disorder Originates and What You Can Do About It

by Gabor Maté

The demand for attention, like all the child’s demands, is a compensation for an unconscious emotional hunger. The parent may rightly deny some demand of the child’s for attention, or any other demand, such as for the candy bar at the supermarket, but there is no reason that the child should be expected to understand that decision or to like it. The emotionally wounded child is struck by every refusal as by a rejection, even though no such rejection is intended by the parent. If the parent allows his reaction to the child’s reaction to become cold and punishing, the child’s anxiety will have turned into a self-fulfilling prophecy. In many situations it is fit and proper for the parent not to give in to the child’s demands. The main thing is to refuse without blaming or humiliating the child for the attention seeking or for the demanding behavior. If we anticipate the child’s reactions, understand their source and do not shame the child for them, the child will eventually learn to tolerate refusal. When we endure children’s anger or frustration with compassion, they will often move on to the sadness of not having what they wish for, of having to give up what they think they need just then. At such moments, a parent can move in and witness that sadness with an empathy that will make the child feel understood and supported, despite the refusal.