Scattered: How Attention Deficit Disorder Originates and What You Can Do About It

by Gabor Maté

Children swim in their parents’ unconscious like fish in the sea, in the succinct phrase of the Vancouver psychotherapist Andrew Feldmar. To create safety for their children, parents need to devote energy and commitment to processing their own “unfinished business.” In this way they can do much more to further the development of their child than by any behavioral approaches aimed at motivating the child or at making him more compliant. Self-regulation is intimately connected with a process developmental psychology has called individuation, or differentiation. Individuation—becoming a self-motivating, self-accepting person, a true individual—is the ultimate goal of development. As individuation unfolds, children are able to move more and more independently into the world, impelled by their own interests and needs. Less and less do they require that another person see exactly what they see in order to feel validated, or that another person feel exactly what they feel. They may have needs and desire for closeness, warmth and mutual support with another human being, but they do not need to be emotionally fused with the other person—they can function on their own, if need be. If parents are to foster individuation in their children, they must also work on their own maturation. Try as they might, poorly individuated parents cannot successfully foster individuation in their children. They are likely to have unsatisfactory relationships with their partners, especially after childr...